Artificial ignorance gives me a new wife

& why do we think the Lizzie Borden story is fun?

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Eric Zorn is a former opinion columnist for the Chicago Tribune. Find a longer bio and contact information here. This issue exceeds in size the maximum length for a standard email. To read the entire issue in your browser, click on the headline link above. Paid subscribers receive each Picayune Plus in their email inbox each Tuesday, are part of our civil and productive commenting community and enjoy the sublime satisfaction of supporting this enterprise.

Tuesdays at 11:30 a.m. I talk with WGN-AM 720 host John Williams about what’s making news and likely to be grist for the PS mill. The WGN listen-live link is here.

This was a shock to my wife, but she had to find out eventually

Johanna was playing around with ChatGPT Sunday morning to see what the artificial intelligence program knew about her — she’s well known in the audio documentary field as the co-creator and former executive director of the Third Coast International Audio Festival — but ChatGPT didn’t even seem to know she existed. It drew a blank. So she tried asking the program“Who is Eric Zorn’s wife?” Here’s what came back:

Cheryl Scott and I have been very discreet about this, to the point of never having met or communicated with one another.

It’s been reassuring that this particular form of artificial intelligence is, for the time being, so ignorant — Google reveals no romantic links between Scott and anyone with either of my names. And it’s been funny. We have a new family joke about how sorry I am Johanna found out this way about my other wife and how tough it’s going to be for our adult children to learn to call Cheryl “Mom.”

Notes and comments from readers — lightly edited — along with my responses

Police chases

Joe S. — The issue of police pursuit policies— “The Community Commission for Public Safety and Accountability and the chairman of the Chicago City Council’s Police Committee is urging police to relax restrictions on vehicle chases” — is a nettlesome one. In June, 2020, Chicago police couldn't stop a guy who literally ran circles around them at the gas station on the northeast corner of Irving Park and Pulaski Roads on the Northwest Side. It was straight-up keystone cops -- the Benny Hill music would've been appropriate.

Here's where it gets not-so funny: He stole a car at the gas station and the cops eventually chased him east on Irving Park Road. During this chase, there was a massive collision at Irving Park Road and Ashland Avenue, and a woman driving home from work was killed when her vehicle was struck by a police vehicle.. You can watch the video of his escape here -- it is absolutely infuriating.

I realize that letting someone just get away if they have a few steps (or a few carlengths) on a cop is counterintuitive, but there are potentially dire consequences to high-speed chases through a crowded city.

Zorn — That was a terribly sad and outrageous story, but I do find myself wondering what the overall, long-term effects of shrugging and letting evildoers scamper or drive off is on society. I tried to find out what happened to Marcel Oliver, the fleeing suspect who was charged with murder, but no one by that name is in the Illinois Department of Corrections database.

Bob. R — Police cars should be equipped with quick-release drones that police in the pursuit car would be able to lock onto fleeing vehicles. The drone could stay with the cars, give exact GPS coordinates, and never endanger any innocent people. This doesn’t seem technologically challenging. 

Big school, tiny enrollment

Edward F. — It’s unconscionable that Frederick Douglass Academy, a public high school in the Austin neighborhood, operates with just 33 students — down from 561 16 years ago — and 21 staff members. The estimated annual cost per pupil is $68,000, nearly four times the district average of $18,287. How can we justify this when school funding in Chicago is so tight?

Zorn — I’m no expert in this area, but there is a moratorium on public school closings until January, 2025, and the argument is that closing even costly neighborhood public schools creates a vicious downward cycle that deeply harms neighborhoods. Block Club Chicago has a good look at the situation, which to my mind generates an argument against privatizing and chartering public education.

Gridiron notions

The heaviest volume of comments and correspondence this week was related to “All I want for Christmas is a field-goal distance estimator” and other suggestions and complaints about football rules.

Michael M. — I've always been bothered by the way referees enforce the rule against 12 players on the field when the ball is snapped. They will throw the flag when the 12th player is running toward the sideline to get out of bounds when the ball is snapped, when the spirit of this rule is to make sure that it’s 11 playing 11 on each play.

This has created a sneaky way for offenses to get a free play because smart quarterbacks will call for a quick snap as a player is sprinting to get off the field and may be caught with one foot still in their field. Refs should throw the flag only in those cases when 12 players actually participate in the play.

Jeff C. — Referees should stop flagging rule infractions that occur away from the action and don’t affect the outcome of the play.

Zorn — I agree in principle with the no-harm, no-foul idea. And you do see it in football when a defender commits an obvious act of pass interference but the referee deems that the receiver could not have caught the pass in any event. And if all the other rules were strictly enforced — such as the rule against holding — then I could hold with a purists’ argument that a rule is a rule. But when an otherwise harmless rule violation takes place far from the action, refs should use their judgment and keep the laundry in their pocket.

Peter Z — In the NFL, pass interference results in the ball being placed where the pass would have been caught had the defender not interfered with the receiver. But those penalties can be huge — 50 yards or more in some cases — and real game changers. It should be a five-yard penalty for incidental contact and 15 yards (like in the college game) for a mugging.

Zorn — Pass interference is already a highly subjective call in many cases so maybe there could be a two-tiered infraction, as there is for the rule protecting a punter. Flagrant pass interference for obvious, deliberate efforts to prevent a receiver from making a catch — desperate grabbing or holding — and routine pass interference for infractions committed while simply trying to break up the pass. The former would move the ball to the spot of the foul, but the latter would be merely a 15-yard penalty.

Edward F. — In criticizing the extra point try after a touchdown in football you wrote “In no other sport that I know does scoring points in one fashion entitle a player or a team the opportunity to score an additional point or points in a different fashion." But there are extra points in rugby.

Zorn — Well, I don’t know rugby — clearly — so my statement was technically accurate. But I appreciate the clarification. Speaking of rugby …

John. M. —As an Englishman and longtime resident of Chicago I, like many of my fellow countrymen, consider American football a bastardized form of rugby played by sissies.

I believe that the protective armor worn by players is a primary source of the head injuries. While other sports, rugby and soccer among them, suffer from head injuries, they are far fewer than in football.

Some football teams are hiring rugby coaches to teach tackling. Tackling without use of the arms is outlawed in rugby, as is tackling around the head or neck.

A good first start would be banning the use of helmets in football. Young men believe they are invulnerable and this inevitably leads to rash use of their bodies, particularly their heads, in tackles. Helmets do not protect against brain injury - the physics of momentum does the damage as the brain hits the inside of the skull during a collision.

Zorn — Sissies? Montez Sweat might have something to say about that.

Getting rid of helmets is certainly a counterintuitive notion, but it’s not new. (See “The Case for Banning Helmets and Why It Could Make American Football Safer,” a 2011 Bleacher Report essay and some research shows that helmetless practices would reduce concussions. But rugby has more concussions per player than football, so I’m dubious.

SI’s Sportsperson of the year should be a local!

John G. — I am disappointed that you didn’t nominate David Braun, Northwestern's inspirational and astonishingly successful first-year football coach, as Sports Illustrated’s Sportsperson of the Year, particularly in light of how he overcame the hazing scandal and led the team to a winning record and a bowl game.

Zorn — Braun, the accidental coach who became the Big 10’s coach of the year, would have been a way better selection than SI’s honoree — the overhyped, overrated Deion Sanders, who coached the University of Colorado to a 4-8 record. But let’s get real. The news that Major League Baseball superstar Shohei Ohtani just signed a 10-year, $700 million deal with the Los Angeles Dodgers, the most lucrative player contract in the history of sports, makes him the obvious choice.

Substack and hate speech

Marty G. — I'm wondering how you feel about Substack platforming hate speech? Does it give you any second thoughts about continuing your relationship with their service?

Zorn — Not really. Substack is not a social media platform where readers are likely to encounter material they find objectionable. It’s more like a tool that writers can use to connect to willing readers, so I don’t consider the Picayune Sentinel or any of the other fine publications on this platform to be tainted by what appears on other publications. Also, I don’t know that there’s a better option.

Unsatisfied customer

Kathy R. — Please unsubscribe me. 

Since you asked nicely, I will. But anyone else who wants to cancel should simply follow the unsubscribe link at the bottom of the newsletter. I’m really grateful for all of you who have re-upped or who continue to read, and now that I’m done with Songs of Good Cheer (more on that Thursday) I’ll be able to tend to some of your customer service issues.

Many paying subscribers are coming up on their automatic renewal dates because two years ago this month I launched the paid subscription/support program for the Picayune Sentinel. I have very little control over how the subscription interface works, but in the interest of extra transparency, I want to give you a heads-up (and urge those of you who have changed credit cards in the last year and are willing to continue supporting this publication to update your information. If you wish to change your level of support, go to “How do I change my subscription plan on Substack?”

A subscription to the Picayune Sentinel is an excellent holiday gift! Thoughtful, personal, just the right size and color. And gift subscriptions do not automatically renew.

Note that the cost is still what it was two years ago — the lowest that Substack allows me to charge.

Tragedy plus time = comedy, evidently

I’m not including this image in the visual tweets contest this week in part because of the spelling mistake — it’s Borden, not Bordon — and in part because, even more than 130 years after the gruesome hatchet murders of Andrew and Abby Borden, it strikes me as in questionable taste to be making jokes about it.

But I post it here because I find it odd in retrospect that my junior high chorus sang the peppy, comic song “Lizzie Borden” in concert as though the murders — blamed by some on Andrew’s daughter and Abby’s stepdaughter, Lizzie, who was acquitted at trial — were a jolly romp.

Oh, you can't chop your momma up in Massachusetts
And then blame all the damage on the mice 
No, you can't chop your momma up in Massachusetts
That kind of thing just isn't very nice

Here’s a video of the popular Chad Mitchell Trio version that went to No. 44 on the Billboard charts 10 years after the song was written in 1952. Note the audience laughter as one of the band members describes the crime in the introduction:

A recent episode of the “You’re Wrong About” podcast goes over the lingering controversy over Lizzie’s culpability.

I’m posting the above image also because I want to point out, again, that it’s almost never accurate to say that your Facebook account has been “hacked” when, in fact, it has merely been spoofed.

Spoofers don’t have and don’t need your account password to copy your name and a few photos of you to create a copycat page and begin messaging your friends in a way that may suggest to them that you’ve opened a new account or that you’ve somehow unfriended one another. It baffles me that Facebook’s tech doesn’t instantly recognize and flag impostor accounts and then block the IP addresses of those who create the imitations.

It’s a creepy but mild form of identity theft that can’t be solved by changing your password and in no way suggests that nefarious gear-heads have “hacked” into your data. The best way to prevent it from happening is to hide from public view the list of your friends.

Ya gotta see these tweets!

Here are some funny visual images I've come across recently on social media. Enjoy, then evaluate:

Vote for your favorite. I’ll share the winner in Thursday’s main edition.

Usage note: To me, “tweet” has become a generic term for a short post on social media.

There’s still time to vote in the conventional Tweet of the Week poll!

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