Dr. Pepper, heal thyself!

Silly halftime contest should go back to its former rules and ban the chest pass

To read this issue in your browser, click on the headline above.

Eric Zorn is a former opinion columnist for the Chicago Tribune. Find a longer bio and contact information here. This issue exceeds in size the maximum length for a standard email. To read the entire issue in your browser, click on the headline link above. Paid subscribers receive each Picayune Plus in their email inbox each Tuesday, are part of our civil and productive commenting community and enjoy the sublime satisfaction of supporting this enterprise.

Tuesdays at 11:30 a.m. I talk with WGN-AM 720 host John Williams about what’s making news and likely to be grist for the PS mill. The WGN listen-live link is here.

Hard pass on this stupid contest

I like the idea of a halftime prize game in which two civilians square off in a skills competition. So seeing which person can pass a football five yards into a target is a fine idea. But nearly every contestant in the “Dr. Pepper Tuition Giveaway” in the middle of major college conference championship games shoots the football at the hole in the giant soft-drink can from the chest, as though it were a basketball.

And while doing so quickly and accurately is a skill, it’s not one that actual football players use very often in games. Sure, there is the occasional shovel pass — a short flip from the quarterback to a running back — but the overwhelming majority of throws are one-handed overhand tosses. Contestants used to throw the ball as quarterbacks throw it when the challenge was best out of 10, as this clip from 2008 shows:

The soft-drink marketing geniuses then decided speed was more of the essence, so now contestants frantically push the ball at the target in a contest as weirdly detached from actual football skills as, say, drop kicking the pigskin over a volleyball net.

In all the harum-scarum there was a counting error in one of the contests last weekend that resulted in a controversy that exploded all over social media.

If the company doesn’t require one-hand, overhand throws next year, I’m going to continue not drinking Dr. Pepper.

Notes and comments from readers — lightly edited — along with my responses

The item in which I objected to Mayor Brandon Johnson’s transition proposal to further restrict right turns on red lights in order to enhance pedestrian and bicyclist safety drew a lot of response, much of it noting that bicycle riders are, in general, flagrant scofflaws who never stop at stop signs or lights unless traffic necessitates it. Here are two interesting other responses:

Pete P. — You wrote, "I don’t favor restrictions or bans on activities that are more than 99% safe and have distinct advantages ... I’d much rather municipalities dramatically increase the penalties for collisions caused by those turning right when the light is red."

This is exactly how gun-owners feel about restricting and banning their 99.9% safe activities rather than dramatic penalties for few unsafe ones.

Deni — On most issues that come up I think you are usually thoughtful and seek out information, but you usually fail on any occasion that involves traffic safety. You just claim that right turn on red is safe without any actual data to point to. You did the same thing with electric scooters, painting them as dangerous things leading to a lot of head injuries with absolutely no evidence. You did it with calling lowering speed limits in Chicago to safer speeds "insane."

You claim that 99.9% ( a number you surely pulled out of your ass) of right turns on red are done with no problem and point to time/energy savings that are minimal at best. Do a little digging and you can find studies that show after right turn on red was largely legalized in the 1970s that it causes a 60% increase in pedestrian deaths and a 100% increase in bicyclist deaths, and injuries even higher than those numbers. And in our city and all over America pedestrian and bicycle deaths are on the rise. Right turn on red also means crosswalks are often blocked by cars waiting to turn, which is especially hard on elderly and disabled people.

You have such a windshield view of the world, which is that your perceived convenience as a car driver is more important than public safety measures. Car drivers rail against speed cameras, red light cameras, no right turn on red, all things that have provable safety benefits and save lives. But God forbid if it takes you 30 seconds longer to get somewhere.

And if someone is killed or injured on a right turn on red just .1% of the time that is still a lot of people when you consider how many of those are made a day. You can say a very low percentage of people are killed by car crashes every day but that is still a very big number of people. Cars kill more people than anything else in America, but try to do anything about that and you get criticized by snarky commentators who don't take 5 minutes to educate themselves on the subject.

Do some more research on these issues and not just mindlessly throw in a click poll to have all the drivers on here agree with you. See:

• It’s Time for Cities to Rethink Right Turns on Red (Streetsblog)

• Three Turning Restrictions Cities Need To Put On Drivers (Streetsblog)

• It’s time to ban ‘right-on-red’

Zorn — A click poll is certainly an unscientific gauge of public opinion, but I would hardly call this overwhelming expression of sentiment to leave well enough alone “mindless.”

Though the percentage increases may seem large, the numbers are small. As the National Highway Traffic Association report referred to in one of the links above reported:

Approximately 84 fatal crashes occurred per year during the 1982-1992 time period involving a right-turning vehicle at an intersection where RTOR is permitted. During this same time period there were 485,104 (traffic) fatalities. Thus, less than 0.2 percent of all fatalities involved a right-turning vehicle maneuver at an intersection where RTOR is permitted. (The study), however, does not discern whether the traffic signal was red. Therefore, the actual number of fatal RTOR crashes is somewhere between zero and 84 and may be closer to zero than 84.

Right turns on red were seen in the 1970s as an important component of energy conservation, and my guess — admittedly a guess — is that over the years the time savings for individual drivers is significant.

My further guess is that my estimate that right turns on red are executed safely 99.9% of the time is a wild underestimate. Cars sharing the road with other cars, pedestrians and bicyclists inevitably results in crashes that cause injury and death, and traffic laws have to balance overall convenience and efficiency with safety.

I did write that lowering the speed limit on Chicago side streets is an insane proposal not because it wouldn’t enhance safety — it would! So would lowering the speed limit on interstate highway to 40 miles per hour and dropping it to 15 on main arterials. But it would be deeply unpopular, vastly increasing commuting times and the costs of transporting goods.

The question the public must answer is what laws best strike this balance.

Max R. — Your item on proposed rule changes for football was interesting. Interesting proposals for football. I have my own. What is the most boring play in football? Easily, the extra point; essentially a formality. I would require teams to go for what is now the two point conversion, essentially scoring another touchdown. But with a wrinkle. You can start from your own two yard line, six yard line, or ten yard line. You get one point if you succeed from the two, two points if you succeed from the six, and three if you succeed from the ten. A whole new menu of strategy options. And if you are nine points down in the last minute, you still have a chance.

Zorn — I like it, though I’ve never quite understood the philosophy of the extra point. In no other sport that I know does scoring points in one fashion entitle a player or a team the opportunity to score an additional point or points in a different fashion. Not that it hasn’t led to some dramatic and heartbreaking finishes.

My most unpopular idea for reforming football rules would disallow punting once a team has crossed the 50 yard line. Either kick a field goal or go for it on 4th down

David G. — In “Any special plans for Zagmuk this year?” You wrote that it is the return of sunlight that is the “reason for the season,” despite the claims of Christians that it’s Jesus. If Christmas were to vanish along with all those annoying songs, it would not make any difference at all to my faith. I would still be called upon to love God and my neighbor regardless of the time of the year. That having been said, Marduk and Saturnalia are long gone. The current celebration we call Christmas (aka "The time to spend more money than you have on gifts for people you don't even like") does in fact have Christian roots. Santa is a stand-in for St. Nicholas and gift giving reminds us of the gifts brought to Jesus by the Magi and so forth. But, we have preserved the form while hollowing out the content. That's the evil genius of marketing.

You can certainly see it for yourself in all those Christmas movies in which the idea of Jesus being born to save us from our sins as mentioned in Matthew's gospel never rates a single line in the script. I don't begrudge people who just enjoy the season but let's be open about the fact that this represents a turning away from Christianity in this nation.

Zorn — Annoying songs? Hey now! I very much encourage readers to come on out to “Songs of Good Cheer” this week — Thursday through Sunday — at the Old Town School of Folk Music to hear and sing along with a variety of familiar and unfamiliar songs of the season, none of which will be annoying in the least. Mary Schmich and I front a stellar band of musicians as you, David, will remember and can attest! Ticket info is here.

K.M — I am fine with the Jesus folks celebrating Christmas as a religious holiday. I am not fine with them insisting that the rest of us do so. And I particularly dislike the assertion that Jesus is "The Reason for the Season." Well, he is one reason for the season. Some of us have other reasons for celebrating the winter solstice, or whatever celebration they enjoy / participate in. And the notion that someone else can declare my reasons ineligible is insulting.

And if it took the Catholic Church 350 years to declare that December 25 was the day, well, what took them so long? Presumably, it was not a bolt of lightning out of a clear blue sky that took 350 years to arrive? I suspect the Pope had other reasons to pick the date. And because the calendar has been shifted around since then, December 25 doesn't land on the same day as it did then. Did December 25 jump 11 days when the Gregorian calendar kicked in? I don’t think so.

Christmas is Christmas because we agree it exists. The meaning and importance of it is determined by each of us.

Steven K. — Saturnalia? Sacaea? Christmas? I think we can now see these “celebrations” for what they really always were: blasphemous salvos in the War on Zagmuk.

John H. — Will you please explain this entry in the Tweet of the Week contest:

OK wow… unfollowing now. Was a big fan of their music but I was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island. — @YuckyTom

Whose music does this refer to?

Zorn — It’s a literary allusion to the Sirens. From Study.com:

Sirens are one of numerous mythical creatures in Homer's epic poem, The Odyssey. On his journey home after the Trojan War, the hero Odysseus and his men are tasked with steering their ship through the straits between Italy and Sicily, home of the dangerous mythical winged creatures the Sirens, who inhabit one of the coastal islands. The Sirens... are winged monster women who are part bird and part human. The Sirens' goal is to lure sailors off course and to their deaths. Their Siren song can hypnotize sailors, causing them to crash their boats into rocks and land.

L.M — I just paid for my $50 Picayune Sentinel annual renewal. Thanks for keeping it going. I’m curious how much of Substack fees actually go to creators. Do you mind sharing, or is that none of my business?

Zorn — Sure! Substack takes 10% off the top for administrative and other fees, which I think is fair given that the platform has responsive tech support, a writer-friendly interface and handles a lot of the fussy stuff, including maintaining the mailing list

Al B. — I need to update my credit card info. for another year’s subscription. How do I do that?

Zorn — This link should help. Many paying subscribers are coming up on their automatic renewal dates because two years ago this month I launched the the paid subscription/support program for the Picayune Sentinel. I have very little control over how the subscription interface works, but in the interest of extra transparency, I want to give you a heads-up (and urge those of you who have changed credit cards in the last year and are willing to continue supporting this publication to update your information. If you wish to change your level of support, go to “How do I change my subscription plan on Substack?”

A subscription to the Picayune Sentinel is an excellent holiday gift! Thoughtful, personal, just the right size and color. And gift subscriptions do not automatically renew. Note that the cost is still what it was two years ago — the lowest that Substack allows me to charge.

Cate P. — The most recent Tune of the Week was incredible. How do I get Cassandra Violet to marry into my family and show up for a holiday?

Craig K. — Two years ago this month you wrote with great enthusiasm about your new “hands free” Zeba shoes, the ones you just step into and never have to tie. Any follow up?

Zorn — I still wear them all the time, every day. In the first six months or so one of the shoes showed unusual wear on the inside that was more of a cosmetic issue than anything else. When I wrote to the company to ask what to do about it, they mailed me a replacement pair at no charge. I subsequently bought a blue pair that look more like casual sneakers to supplement the dressier black pair I’d been wearing, and both have proven very durable.

I wear other, lighter shoes for running and playing basketball, but I can’t imagine going back to New Balance.

As for never having to tie them, well, technically. Somehow they do come untied every few weeks. But somehow I manage.

I have heard from others that similar shoes from Kizik also give satisfaction.

Steve H. — You wrote that your wife and some of your friends believe that Picayune Sentinel readers would not be interested in your recent Twitter spat with former Tribune columnist John Kass so you merely gave us a link to the precipitating tweet.

Well, they are wrong about this reader! But as a non-Twitterer I was once again relegated to seeing just one tweet of each thread. I did get some useful background in reading your 2022 essay, “The truth about John Kass’ dispute with the Tribune and the Tribune Guild,” but would like to know more.

Zorn — You and quite a few others! I will summarize the situation briefly. A reporter from Block Club Chicago posted a general query about the history of placing household crap in the street after a snowstorm to reserve a parking space that you have either shoveled out or happened to occupy when the flakes started falling. Chicagoans call this controversial practice “dibs,” and I tweeted a reply that my archival research told me that Kass was the first writer to use that term in that context. I added that this was not me sticking up for a pal because (as most people know) Kass and I don’t agree on much and were never friends.

Kass tweeted “Tell Zorn to piss off.” So I replied with a thread in which I once again dared him to stop just throwing shit and answer the particulars in my essay — which is by far the best-read post on my auxiliary website. He responded “Keep barking, little doggie,” and followed up with an indirect reference to me on his site, calling me a “bully” and “an obnoxious little dog that demands attention, then licks itself in public because it can.”

What a peculiar insult game this diminutive fellow has! This particular spat seems to be over, but any time Kass dares to insinuate that the Tribune forced him out or that he is somehow an ideological martyr, I will resurface my link to the truth about what happened at the end of his career there and invite his response.

Will Kwame Raoul stand up to the Tribune?

I get letters every week from current and former Tribune subscribers who are dismayed and disappointed by the newspaper’s shady subscription-pricing practices. But instead of writing to me, Chicago Public Square proprietor Charlie Meyerson has taken the matter to the offices of Illinois Attorney General Kwame Raoul:

To: Citizen’s Advocate Consumer Protection Division / Consumer Fraud Bureau / Illinois Attorney General’s Office

12th Floor / 100 W. Randolph St. Chicago IL 60601

Re: Tribune Publishing / File No. 2023-CONSC-00178671

I’m sorry, but my complaint to the attorney general’s office has not been settled to my satisfaction. You and “Katina” (no last name?) at Tribune Publishing have altogether missed the point.

Yes, my account has been adjusted—but only because I took the extraordinary measure of calling and complaining about the company’s predatory and deceptive practices. And the company’s response indicates it intends to continue advertising subscription bargains like this ...

... and then, as Katina blithely explains, to raise rates and shorten “paid through dates” at will.

I wrote not to complain on my own behalf but to request your office take broad action to remedy the company’s policies, which prey upon those who fail to heed the obscure “terms and conditions” and unpredictable price changes in its misleading promotional offers.

Please re-read my original complaint and see the many similar complaints from others on Facebook and on my fellow Tribune alumnus Eric Zorn’s website and then, I hope, your office will take broad action to end this company’s abuses of, no doubt, tens of thousands of consumers.

Please escalate this matter to one of your managers, who—I hope—will see that this complaint isn’t about me. It’s about sleazy business practices that sure as hell feel like fraud.

Here’s Meyerson’s post on Facebook in October:

I bought a full year's Chicago Tribune subscription in February for $155. I was billed $233 yesterday. I called to complain and was told that "rates have changed."

I explained that a year is a year and that, if rates have changed, February is the time to change my rate.

The agent agreed to refund the $233, but said I'd be billed again in December.

I asked for a supervisor (because that's what one does, right?), and she agreed to cancel all charges through February.

Trib subscribers: Don't take this shit.

Yes, I know, I’m an obnoxious little dog about this, too, but I stand more than ready to publish excuses/explanations from the Trib brass should they ever respond to these criticisms.

Ya gotta see these tweets!

Here are some funny visual images I've come across recently on social media. Enjoy, then evaluate:

Vote for your favorite. I’ll share the winner in Thursday’s main edition.

Usage note: To me, “tweet” has become a generic term for a short post on social media.

There’s still time to vote in the conventional Tweet of the Week poll!

Thank you for supporting the Picayune Sentinel. To help this publication grow, please consider spreading the word to friends, family, associates, neighbors and agreeable strangers.

.