Why I can't bear to watch MSNBC these days

& Jimmy Carter reused Ziploc bags. That wasn't weird, was it?

1-16 2024 (issue No. 176)

This week:

• Last week’s winning quip

• I’m part of MSNBC’s viewership problem

• I want a new kind of snow shovel and I can’t find one anywhere!

• News and Views — Hot takes, fully baked

• That’s so Brandon! — Updates on the misadventures of Chicago’s maladroit mayor

• Land of Linkin’ — Where I tell readers where to go

• Squaring up the news — Where Charlie Meyerson tells readers where to go

• Saving the planet and saving money, one baggie at a time — Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter weren’t the only ones reusing Ziploc bags

• Trump will not be the first U.S. president to want to acquire Greenland

• What’s on “The Mincing Rascals” podcast this week

• O, say, which banner can you see representing Illinois?

• Quotables — A collection of compelling, sometimes appalling passages I’ve encountered lately

• Quips — The winning visual jokes and this week’s contest finalists

• Good Sports — The Michigan fans’ dilemma, a suggestion that DePaul men’s basketball self-relegate out of the Big East and more

• Tune of the Week — The MonaLisa Twins cover Don McLean’s “Vincent”

Last week’s winning quip

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there is a very good chance that they will see you later. — Unknown

Here are this week’s nominees and the winner of the Tuesday visual-jokes poll. Here is the direct link to the new poll.

I’m sorry, MSNBC, but I’m part of your problem

The lefty cable talk network MSNBC has seen a 57% decline in prime-time ratings since the November election. This week, the network announced that its top-rated host Rachel Maddow will go from one show a week to five in the 8 p.m. CST hour for the first 100 days of the second Trump administration, and that its network president Rashida Jones had resigned.

Since 2022, Maddow has been spending most of her time on side projects — podcasts, books and documentaries, and her temporary return to full-time anchoring seems like a smart, if somewhat desperate, move.

I’m among those who have contributed to the dropoff in viewership, though most of my MSNBC consumption has always been through audio podcasts, as I find little value in sitting in front of TV watching people talk. It’s not the hosts. It’s not the production values. It’s not the relentless liberal slant (though I would like more balance in the panelists so some of my views can be tested).

It’s me. I’m discouraged and depressed by national political news, and find that getting spun up by the latest MAGA outrage and the latest failure of Democrats to blunt Trumpian initiatives simply exhausts me.

For example, I know that defense secretary nominee Pete Hegseth is spectacularly unqualified for the job, and news reports and social media video clips showed me that he was well and fully roasted by Democratic U.S. senators during his confirmation hearing Tuesday.

But I also know that it will make no difference whatsoever. There’s no suspense, no tension and so no point in marshaling arguments.

I mean, to see what we’re up against, take a look at “‘Why do liberals think Trump supporters are stupid?” a long, link-supported list addressed to MAGA enthusiasts Some samples:

• When you saw a man who had owned a fraudulent university, intent on scamming poor people, you thought "Fine." (USA Today)

• When you heard him proudly brag about his own history of sexual abuse, you said, "No problem." (ABC News)

• You have watched the parade of neo-Nazis and white supremacists with whom he curries favor while refusing to condemn outright Nazis, and you have said, "Thumbs up!" (The Atlantic)

• You have watched him remove expertise from all layers of government in favor of people who make money off of eliminating protections in the industries they're supposed to be regulating, and you have said, "What a genius!" (Politico)

• You have witnessed all the thousand and one other manifestations of corruption and low moral character and outright animalistic rudeness and contempt for you, the working American voter, and you still show up grinning and wearing your MAGA hats and threatening to beat up anybody who says otherwise. (American Progress)

But Trump’s enthusiastic enablers don’t concern me nearly as much as the moderates and left-leaning registered voters who also witnessed these offenses against decency and in dismayingly large numbers said, “Eh, what difference does it make? I ain’t voting.”

I’m still paying attention to the news, don’t get me wrong. I’m still alarmed and seething, stunned that a majority of voters wanted a return to the rule of the (insert all the pejorative adjectives in the thesaurus here) Trump.

Not marinating nightly in impotent despair and gloom has become a form of self-care. When I feel the possibility of a meaningful change in our political climate and MSNBC can offer hope again, I’ll be back.

Take this snow and push it!

Most of the snowfall we’ve been getting in Chicago during recent winters can be cleared with one or two passes of a bladed snow pusher — no backbreaking shoveling required. You skooch the snow along until it starts to spill out the sides of the blade, then you turn the blade and deposit the snow to one side.

But every street snowplow has an angled blade that continually moves the snow off to the side. So why aren’t angled manual snow pushers common? The Ivation Dual Angle Snow Pusher and somewhat similar, unwieldy products were all I could find in an extensive online search for a simple angled home snow pusher.

Ivation Dual Angle Snow Pusher

Are there bigger problems in the world than my inability to find such an obviously useful tool? I suppose so. But who’s with me on this? Better yet, who knows where I can get the sort of shovel I want?

News & Views

News: Teachers union head Stacy Davis Gates sparks outrage by comparing schools CEO Pedro Martinez to a student with learning disabilities.

View: Davis Gates is lousy at public relations. She reportedly told a union House of Delegates meeting last week that “Pedro is the terrible student in the classroom that can’t get suspended because he should have an IEP and maxed out his days.”

IEP stands for individualized education program, a plan that describes the educational needs of a student with learning disabilities and lays out strategies, accommodations and other services to help the student thrive.

Using the term in the context of an insult was appalling — tasteless, offensive and insulting; a playground-bully taunt that wounded both parents of students with IEPs and the students themselves.

Further, saying the “can’t get suspended” was not accurate according to WBEZ’s coverage:

One special education teacher, who was at the meeting but did not want to be identified, told WBEZ it displayed an alarming lack of understanding about special education. Students with disabilities disproportionately are suspended and subject to exclusionary discipline. CPS special education students can be suspended for no more than 10 days without a hearing.

Davis Gates reportedly apologized later for her remarks to those at the meeting, then, as controversy began to brew, she posted to social media:

That is a paraphrase of my misspeaking, something I immediately apologized for (I'm someone who takes accountability) in a larger conversation about Pedro's position in the district. I and my union, along with our union siblings, are dedicated to raising the standards for students w IEPs and w disabilities. I hope our outrage can also be for our district’s treatment of students w/ disabilities at CPS. The resources and supports that our young ppl go w/o and the HUNDREDS of current positions that the CEO is leaving open instead of servicing children's needs.

“Misspeaking” was an odd and elusive choice of words, but Davis Gates managed a mea culpa more in line with the apology offered by the character Archie Leach (John Cleese)* in “A Fish Called Wanda” when she appeared Monday on WTTW-Ch. 11’s “Chicago Tonight”:

I am extraordinarily embarrassed. It does not reflect my values or my body of work. I am deeply sorry for it, and I am going to be in the process of speaking to the advocates, families, students and our members about how to repair the harm.

This matters because if Davis Gates is going to lead her union in a strike if the CTU and CPS can’t come to terms, success may well depend on public support not only for teachers but also for her as the face of the union. She’s already brushed off the concerns of city taxpayers who wonder where the money is supposed to come from to meet the union demands in the years to come. Gratuitously angering parents whose children face educational challenges won’t help.

*Hat tip to reader Marc Blumer for calling my attention to this clip

News: Illinois House Speaker Chris Welch is declining to advance any legislation in the General Assembly that can’t pass with only Democratic votes.

View: Fine, but I don’t ever want to hear Welch or the members of his party who go along with this idea preen about democracy. Welch let die a recent proposal to regulate the sales of certain hemp products that would have passed with strong bipartisan support because it would have needed some Republican support to pass. Independent of the merits of the proposal, that kind of highly partisan leadership disgusts many voters.

The Tribune Editorial Board was not pleased:

The Welch rule — we should give it a name, right? — needlessly opens the door to all kinds of chicanery. For example, it allows an industry bent on stopping needed reform, like the hemp sellers, to concentrate heavy donations on relatively few Democratic members who in turn keep legislation bottled up.

News: Starbucks to say 'am-scray’ to nonpaying customers

View: About time! Those who camp out at coffee shops for hours on end without even buying a cup take up table space that’s often at a premium. I’m sympathetic to those with bathroom emergencies and so am less enthusiastic about the chain’s new policy, announced Monday, to deny restroom access to noncustomers. And I would hope store employees would enforce the crackdown on loiterers only when space is at a premium or when those sponging off the free WiFi disturb other customers or employees:

(Since 2018 when the open-door policy went into effect), employees and customers have struggled with unruly and even dangerous behavior in stores. In 2022, Starbucks closed 16 stores around the country — including six in Los Angeles and six in its hometown of Seattle — for repeated safety issues, including drug use and other disruptive behaviors that threatened staff. (Associated Press)

News: Secretary of Defense nominee Pete Hegseth wants U.S. military bases to restore names of Confederate generals.

View: It’s no surprise to me that a Trump-loving former Fox News host would wish to bring back tributes to the racist traitors who led the bloody, pro-slavery rebellion against the United States. Fortunately the idea of, for example, changing North Carolina’s Fort Liberty back to Fort Bragg in honor of the incompetent Confederate Gen. Braxton Bragg would have to pass Congress, and that seems unlikely.

News: “Illinois lawmakers have introduced a bill that would decriminalize prostitution and create a sex worker’s bill of rights.”

View: Regulating a thriving underground economy and bringing it into the light seems like a way to prevent abuses and exploitation of sex workers and customers. So I’m inclined toward cautious support of an idea that has the support of the American Civil Liberties Union, Human Rights Watch, Amnesty International, the World Health Organization and other respected groups, and that has been implemented in various places around the world, not just Las Vegas.

The Week’s 2021 balanced summary titled “The pros and cons of legal prostitution” is a good place to start researching what could be a contentious issue in the months ahead.

News: TikTok may be banned at the end of the month

View: I tend to agree with John Oliver’s take, which is that the national security threat of a social media app owned by a Chinese company that features short videos is hardly much greater than the threat posed by other social media apps. But I fail to see what’s so special about TikTok that an American-owned company couldn’t easily and quickly duplicate — call it TokTik, or whatever.

Sure, the transition would take a while and users would have to reconstruct their follower base, but all the bleating and garment rending about TikTok seems vastly overblown. The Associated Press article “TikTok could be banned this month. Here’s what users can do to prepare” contains useful background.

That’s So Brandon!

Updates on the misadventures of Chicago’s mayor

The Tribune’s Rick Pearson had an enlightening story earlier this week, “Illinois House speaker to Mayor Brandon Johnson: Get ready to hear ‘no’ a lot in Springfield.”

Mayor Brandon Johnson’s continued insistence on looking to Springfield as a magical pot of gold for additional city revenue is being greeted with a stern warning from one powerful voice — Democratic House Speaker Emanuel “Chris” Welch. …

“I’m looking forward to hearing from the mayor and his team, identifying what their priorities are for ’25. We haven’t heard that yet, but I anticipate we will,” (Welch said). …

Like (Gov. JB) Pritzker, Welch said he has had few conversations with Johnson, who frequently labels himself a “collaborator.” …

Welch recalled Johnson’s visit to Springfield last year in which the mayor had vowed to make a push for $1.1 billion for the city’s public schools. But once Johnson set foot in the Illinois State Capitol that issue evaporated and the mayor sought and received only minor, largely inconsequential, financial help.

Johnson’s chaotic tenure as mayor and his growing unpopularity also hamper efforts to gain support among the few legislative allies he has.

I can’t even with recall elections

Mayor Brandon Johnson’s incompetence has given life to state Rep. LaShawn Ford’s perennial efforts to pass a state law that would allow for Chicago voters to recall their mayor. Chicago is one of 4 of the 15 largest U.S. cities that don’t allow for mayoral recall, but House Bill 1084, filed on Jan. 2, would put the question on the ballot if a recall petition is signed by a number of voters “equal in number to at least 15% of the total votes cast for mayor in the preceding election.”

A simple majority in the recall election would remove the mayor from office and install the vice mayor until such time a special election can be held.

I love democracy, but I’m not a fan of recall elections. They put elected officials on highly political footing at all times, afraid to make bold but potentially momentarily unpopular decisions that may turn out well in the long run. They further blur the already blurred line between politicking and governing and may even discourage voting in general elections by lowering the stakes.

In 2011, Jamelle Bouie, now an opinion columnist at The New York Times, wrote in opposition to recall elections:

They can undermine the independence of elected officials — who begin to fear reprisal for their choices — become an excuse to refight election battles (with the advantage of a smaller electorate, because fewer voters will come out for a non-Election Day vote), or lead to abuses by well-heeled special-interest groups. … At a certain point, we simply have to accept the results of democracy, even when they run against our favor. … Recall's good intentions can't make up for the fact that it's a lousy way to keep politicians accountable.

Ford’s legislation has been referred to the Rules Committee, which suggests it deserves the “It’s just a bill” label that veteran statehouse blogger Rich Miller slaps on attention-grabbing initiatives that the public should not take too seriously.

Meanwhile, Tribune investigative reporter Gregory Royal Pratt posted to social media what he called the “eyepoppingly low” fundraising totals for hizzoner in the last three months of 2024. UPDATE BELOW:

It’s true we’re not in a heavy fundraising period, but, in contrast, the D-2 report from (Lori) Lightfoot for Chicago at a similar point in her mayoral term showed total receipts of $16,646.

Johnson is “leading the city and not partaking in payola,” wrote one commenter under Pratt’s post. “This should be celebrated.”

UPDATE: Shia Kapos at Politico reports:

(Johnson’s) team is filing an amendment, Christian Perry, Johnson’s political director, says the mayor raised about $200,000 (Hello, that’s more like it.) during the fourth quarter and has $1.1 million in the bank.

That kind of clerical error is pretty shabby.

Speaking of money matters, there’s also this: “Ratings Agency Downgrades Chicago’s Credit, Pointing to ‘Structural Budgetary Imbalance.”

In response, Johnson said the downgrade “does not accurately reflect our fundamental economic strength and the steps we’ve taken to address legacy issues.”

Land of Linkin’

• Tough news: “Chicago Reader Announces Restructuring and Layoffs.” “Unfortunately, a combination of financial losses, operational challenges, and external pressures has brought the Reader to an imminent risk of closure.” You can donate here.

• While so many podcasts these days are about true crime or headed up by celebrities or would-be pundits like me jabbering away, podcast passion projects still exist. Today I'm sharing one that lives up to some of the medium's earliest ideals — “Why Make?” a series about art and creativity from my brother-in-law, woodworker Erik Wolken. Here's an episode to get you started, with furniture maker and sculptor Ellie Richards. She was inspired by the Ghanaian practice of fantasy coffins — large, hollow, sculptural forms that can be just about anything from a jet plane to a tomato — that try to capture a person's passions as they pass on.

• Speaking of podcasts, you can have special counsel Jack Smith’s report read to you by listening to the most recent two episodes of “Jack.”

• From reader “Skeptic” comes the recommendation of the Charlie Anderson Cooking YouTube channel. He writes that Anderson “has helped me raise my pizza game. To me the main attraction is the crust. Toppings are there to enhance a good crust.”

• Tribune: “Tails, duct tape and Chevy Camaros: Inside the FBI investigation of the ‘furries’ chlorine attack” of 2014.

• Chicago will host its first Winterwalk on Feb. 9 at 10 a.m. in Humboldt Park. The two-mile fundraiser provides support for local organizations serving the homeless. “Humboldt Park holds special significance for this event, as it was recently home to the city's largest encampments,” says the news release. Money raised “will automatically translate to providing meals, shelter, community outreach and social services.”

• “Donald Trump Threatens Comcast In Rant Over Seth Meyers' Late Night Show.” Of course he does.

• The “Unpopular Opinion?” in Tuesday’s Picayune Plus — “Those with felony convictions should be barred from holding elected office” — is proving narrowly popular.

• Vulture (paywall) lays out the #metoo allegations against writer Neil Gaiman.

• “Where Is Delta-8 THC Legal and Where Is It Banned?” The National Cannabis Industry Association has the answers that are relevant to the ongoing wrangle in the General Assembly that’s pitting Mayor Brandon Johnson against Gov. JB Pritzker.

• Fortune: “Walgreens CEO says anti-shoplifting strategy backfired: ‘When you lock things up…you don’t sell as many of them.’”

• A reminder to RSVP if you’d like to attend the free, Jan. 29 launch party at the Harold Washington Library for “Division Street Revisited,” a podcast hosted by Mary Schmich “that follows up on the stories of ‘uncelebrated’ Chicagoans in Studs Terkel’s groundbreaking 1967 book, ‘Division Street: America’.”

• Silly season never ends anymore. “Should Illinois counties be able to secede and join Indiana? Indiana speaker says yes,“ reports the Indianapolis Star.

• On bended knee: “Google gives $1 million to Trump inauguration.”

• Condolences to the loved ones of Evanston-based artist Leo Segedin, who died last week at 97. The Tribune obituary and the Sun-Times obituary chronicled his remarkable life, and his website offers looks at hundreds of his paintings, including this one:

Leo Segedin, 2019

Squaring up the news

This is a bonus supplement to the Land of Linkin’ from veteran radio, internet and newspaper journalist Charlie Meyerson. Each week, he offers a selection of intriguing links from his daily email news briefing Chicago Public Square:

■ Social rebellion. An influential group of business executives, celebrities and tech visionaries—including Friend of Chicago Public Square Cory Doctorow—is launching a new project, “Free Our Feeds,” to build a billionaire-proof social media ecosystem.

■ A rickety claim. A Tribune investigation (gift link; you’re welcome) has uncovered a financial problem for Cubs co-owner and Republican National Committee finance chairman Todd Ricketts: For years, he’s been paying property taxes based on the value of the much older and smaller Wilmette house that he tore down to make way for a much bigger one in 2010.

■ Missed it by that much: In a long-awaited report, special counsel Jack Smith says the Justice Department could have convicted Donald Trump of trying to overturn the 2020 election—if only Trump hadn’t won in 2024; and he concludes a conviction is still possible.

■ Politico’s Adam Wren writes, “If you read just one paragraph from the report, make it this one.”

■ Balls & Strikes editor Jay Willis offers sarcastic reassurance: “I, for one, find Sam Alito’s explanation of his phone call with Donald Trump very reasonable and not at all weird.”

■ Columnist Jamison Foser: “The Washington Post just endorsed 19 Trump nominees. Here are the five worst.”

■ Slate’s Mark Joseph Stern: Congressional Democrats are “falling over themselves” to endorse “a horrifying Trojan horse.”

■ The Daily Show’s Desi Lydic deconstructs the interpersonal dynamics in the pews as Trump attended the funeral for former President Jimmy Carter.

■ The Lever: “Big Oil hindered the fight against L.A.’s wildfires.”

■ Jeff Tiedrich: “No, idiots, Los Angeles isn’t on fire because of ‘diversity.’”

■ Columnist Ben Meiselas: “Trump spit in our faces as we evacuated.”

■ Popular Information: “A major bank cheated its customers out of $2 billion, according to a new federal lawsuit.”

■ Walgreens is closing five Chicago stores.

■ Two Chicago-area Kohl’s locations are among 27 slated for closing across the country.

■ The Onion: “Target Losing Market Share As More Americans Opt To Forgo All Earthly Possessions.”

■ Citing declining health, Chicago broadcaster Bruce DuMont is calling it quits for his “Beyond the Beltway” show after this Sunday night. Your Square columnist last joined the show for an unpleasant time in October 2020.

■ This Daily Northwestern story is about your Square columnist’s wife: “Judge’s retirement brings new twist to Ryan Field lawsuit.”

You can (and should) subscribe to Chicago Public Square free here.

Saving the planet and saving money, one baggie at a time

At Jimmy Carter’s funeral last Thursday, Jason Carter, the late president’s grandson, said this in his eulogy about Carter and his late wife, Rosalynn: “Demonstrating their Depression-era roots, they had a little rack next to the sink where they would hang Ziploc bags to dry.”

I have no Depression-era roots — my parents were kids in the 1930s — but when a perfectly good, mostly clean zip-close plastic storage bag turns up in our kitchen, heck yeah I rinse out the crumbs and put in the dish drainer for reuse. It keeps a bit of plastic out of the waste stream and cuts down somewhat on our annual baggie bill.

Will this fact be peculiar and distinctive enough to be mentioned in my eulogies? Or is it a common practice even among those raised in this disposable era of plenty?

You tell me, generally speaking …

Click survey:

Trump will not be the first U.S. President to want to acquire Greenland

Thanks to reader David Leitschuh for calling my attention to this Washington Post report:

(The idea for the U.S. to acquire Greenland) was first floated in the 1860s, when a report commissioned by the State Department under President Andrew Johnson concluded that the icebound island's abundance of fish and mineral resources could make it a valuable investment.

And in 1946, President Harry Truman's administration went even further, offering to purchase Greenland from Denmark in exchange for $100 million in gold. … By 1946, "practically every member" of the planning and strategy committee of the Joint Chiefs of Staff agreed that the United States should try to buy Greenland, John Hickerson, a State Department official, wrote in a memo. … In the 1970s, Vice President Nelson Rockefeller reportedly suggested buying Greenland for its mineral resources.

Minced Words

Cate Plys, Brandon Pope, Marj Halperin and I joined host John Williams on this week’s episode of “The Mincing Rascals” podcast. Topics discussed included discussed the proposal by Illinois Secretary of State Alexi Giannoulias to raise the age for state-mandated driver’s tests from 79 to 87 and the now-temporarily withdrawn proposal to lower the city’s default speed limit to 25 mph from 30 mph (see my take here).

Red lights— Things the panelists suggest you not watch or read:

• Cate — “Wicked” (film version)

• Brandon — “Emilia Pérez” (film)

• Marj — “Nickel Boys” (film version)

• Eric — “Long Island Compromise” (novel by Taffy Brodesser-Akner)

• John — “Squid Games” (second season)

Subscribe to us wherever you get your podcasts. Or bookmark this page. If you’re not a podcast listener, you can hear an edited version of the show at 8 p.m. most Saturday evenings on WGN-AM 720.

O, say, which banner can you see representing Illinois?

From the Illinois Flag Commission:

After reviewing more than 4,800 entries for the Illinois state flag redesign contest, the Illinois Flag Commission is excited to kick off the public voting period that will run through Feb. 14.

After the public voting period has ended, the votes will be counted and the results will be sent to the Illinois General Assembly. Your input during this period will help guide the General Assembly’s final decision on the future of our state’s flag later this year.

Results not binding, in other words.

Go here to select one of the 13 finalists, which include the current state flag and, my choice, above, the 1968 sesquicentennial flag. The simplicity and the bold splash of red appeal to me, but don’t let me influence you!

Chicago Magazine’s Edward McClelland ranked my choice 11th — “Looks too much like the symbol of the Illinois Department of Transportation,” he wrote.

I don’t object strongly to his top two:

McClelland’s No. 1 choice is also the pick of Chicago Public Square publisher Charlie Meyerson.

While you’re voting, weigh in to name Chicago’s snowplows

Finalists in Chicago’s third annual “You Name a Snowplow” poll include:

• How ya like me plow?

• Scoop, there it is

• Snow Way Jose

• No More Mr. Ice Guy

Consider all 50 finalists and vote here

Quotables

A collection of compelling, sometimes appalling passages I’ve encountered lately

(Donald Trump) is broken, an enormous sucking black hole of ego, a void of such intensity that he will attempt to rename random geographical locations to better reflect our unquestioned national glory. — Neil Steinberg

(Trump) is a carnival barker. He'll say whatever he needs to say to get you inside his tent. If you get in there and the two-headed dog he promised you isn't there, he's got you inside. — Susan Mulcahy

I’ve known Barack Obama since 1995. Haven’t seen him since 2008 when he sold me out after sending an emissary to me to discuss a political deal. I was just thinking about his presidency. His leadership was as limp as his handshake. Thank God for Donald Trump. #MAGA — Rod Blagojevich

Race baiting and insulting a governor whose help you need is a master class on incompetency and does nothing to help Chicago Public Schools children who are woefully lacking in the ability to read and write to acceptable standards. Do better. — Illinois Comptroller Susana Mendoza, addressing this tweet from Chicago Teachers Union Vice President Jackson Potter

The Contrarian will not offer Trump the benefit of the doubt. We will not normalize him. We will not engage in false equivalence. We will not excuse enablers in the media, government or business. We will not infantilize his supporters nor treat them as victims; we will confront them with the consequences of their presidential pick. Trump is no ordinary politician and will be no ordinary president so the response must be extraordinary. His insane pronouncements … cannot be ignored or treated as hyperbole. They reveal a warped mind and dangerous agenda that would take America down the road of other authoritarian states such as Viktor Orbán’s Hungary. — Former Washington Post columnist Jennifer Rubin on her new online venture.

We're going to increase the debt by $5 trillion. That's what's going to happen, right here by Republicans … because you never have any ounce of self respect. You go out and campaign saying you're going to balance the budget (but) … $330 billion — congratulations! — you've added to the debt since you were given the majority again on November 5th. It's embarrassing, it's shameful. … I'm absolutely sickened by a party that campaigns on fiscal responsibility and has the temerity to go forward to the American people and say you think this is fiscally responsible. — Republican Congressman Chip Roy of Texas to his fellow Republicans

(Donald) Trump (is) all bluster, very little substance. He talks a tough game, but then when pressed on it, he's an armchair tough guy. I hate to say it, but this is a guy who said that John McCain is not a war hero, yet he sought his own 5 military deferments. — Pete Hegseth, March 2016

Quips

In Tuesday’s paid-subscriber editions, I present my favorite tweets that rely on visual humor. Subscribers vote for their favorite, and I post the winner here every Thursday:

The new nominees for Quip of the Week:

1. The enemy of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy is Kevin Bacon. — @DaddyJew

2. I've deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo. — AbbyHasIssues

3. Take it from me: Probably the most important thing you can do in a crisis, above all else, is start pointing fingers. — @ClueHeywood

4. My current wife says she doesn’t like my use of adjectives. — @tobestewart

5. Welcome to Twitter. Apparently, everyone here is a fire expert. — @damn_elle

6. Unburdened by conscience, he is free. And yet the Hamburglar is a prisoner of his own desire. — @viktorwinetrout.bsky.social

7. Me: It’s time for me to be better with my finances. Them: You could stop buying things. Me: Not like that! — @KatieDeal99

8. I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show him that the law applies to everyone. — @PoodleSnarf

9. I’m still writing “2024” on all my manifestos. — @JohnLyonTweets

10. As an adult, I have made peace with the idea that my parents must have had sex, but as an only child, I am comforted by the fact that it was just the one time. — @uncleduke1969.bsky.social

Vote here and check the current results in the poll.

For instructions and guidelines regarding the poll, click here.

Why the new name for this feature? See “I’m rebranding ‘Tweet of the Week’ in a gesture of contempt for Elon Musk.”

Good Sports

Friends from my hometown of Ann Arbor and my fellow Michigan alums are divided about which bitter rival to root for in Monday’s national collegiate football championship game between the Dreaded Ohio State Buckeyes and the Despised Notre Dame Fighting Irish.

Arguing for Notre Dame in this pick-your-poison debate are those who remind us that the rivalry game with Ohio State dates back to 1897 (they didn’t start playing annually until 1918), and the ill will between the schools has roots in the border war of the 1830s between Ohio and Michigan. Buckeye fans hatred of the Wolverines goes so deep that on certain signs they eschew the letter M, and they are known to refer to Michigan as simply “TTUN,” short for “the team up north.”

When Ohio State does well, it ends up hurting Michigan’s recruiting efforts.

Michigan has played Notre Dame only 44 times since 1887, hasn’t played them since 2019 and won’t play them again until 2033. Compare than to 120 gridiron clashes with Ohio State.

Arguing for Ohio State are those who, like me, feel that the more success OSU has when not playing Michigan, the sweeter it is when we beat them (as we have done the last four years). And it’s a lovely thought that Buckeye fans will not be able to fully enjoy a national championship knowing that their team lost to Michigan this year and that Michigan fans will bask in the reflected glory of having beaten the national champs.

Plus we have loyalty to the Big Ten — particularly the original 10 members of the conference. And there are no college football fans anywhere more insufferable than Notre Dame fans (with the possible exception of Michigan fans, who can say?).

Now: Can we all get behind the Lions in the NFL playoffs?

Local sports lament

Rich Cohen in Chicago Magazine: “Unlovable Losers — Chicago’s sports teams find themselves at a nadir, a place that feels all too familiar for local fans.”

The sporting life of this city nowadays is a traveling circus, a cavalcade of clowns that shuts down for the season in one arena only to reopen in another. … The sports ecosystem today is as bad as we’ve ever known it. The Cubs haven’t won a playoff game since 2017. The Sky, three years removed from a WNBA title, have taken up new residence near the bottom of the standings. The Fire had the second-worst record in major-league soccer, while the Red Stars were thumped in the first round of the playoffs. Except for a few delirious seasons here and there, Chicago fans’ fate of late remains the same as ever: to symbolize futility

It’s time for DePaul University’s men’s basketball team to change conferences again

DePaul lost to Marquette 85-83 in overtime Tuesday night at the Wintrust Arena, dropping their record in the Big East conference to 0-7. This follows last season’s 0-20 record in the conference. Indeed, the Blue Demons haven’t won a conference game since a March 8, 2023, victory over Seton Hall in the postseason tournament, and they haven’t won a regular-season conference game since Jan. 18, 2023, upset of Xavier.

DePaul was independent until 1991, then joined the Great Midwest conference for four years, after which the team competed in Conference USA. Since joining the Big East, DePaul has had a winning record only once (9-7 in 2006-2007). Their Big East record since 2005 is now 66-272 (a .195 winning percentage). Though Tuesday’s losing effort was heroic, it’s time for DePaul to self-relegate back to a less competitive conference.

Tune of the Week

One of the reasons I’m not giving up on Facebook is that it occasionally serves up wonderful music. This 2022 cover of Don McLean’s “Vincent” by the MonaLisa Twins is an example:

The MonaLisa Twins are Austrian-born Mona and Lisa Wagner, 30. They specialize in exquisitely wrought covers — see their YouTube channel — but also perform original material.

McLean released “Vincent,” often known as “Starry, Starry Night,” in 1971 as a tribute to the painter Vincent Van Gogh. In an interview with The Telegraph he explained:

In the autumn of 1970 I had a job singing in the school system, playing my guitar in classrooms. I was sitting on the veranda one morning, reading a biography of Van Gogh, and suddenly I knew I had to write a song arguing that he wasn't crazy. He had an illness and so did his brother Theo. This makes it different, in my mind, to the garden variety of 'crazy' – because he was rejected by a woman [as was commonly thought]. So I sat down with a print of Starry Night and wrote the lyrics out on a paper bag.

Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now
For they could not love you
But still, your love was true
And when no hope was left in sight on that starry, starry night
You took your life, as lovers often do
But I could have told you, Vincent
This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you

I’ve been opening up Tune of the Week nominations in an effort to bring some newer sounds to the mix. I’m asking readers to use the comments area for paid subscribers or to email me to leave nominations (post-2000 releases, please!) along with YouTube links and at least a few sentences explaining why the nominated song is meaningful or delightful to you. The following nomination is from

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Eric Zorn is a former opinion columnist for the Chicago Tribune. Find a longer bio and contact information here. This issue exceeds in size the maximum length for a standard email. To read the entire issue in your browser, click on the headline link above. Paid subscribers receive each Picayune Plus in their email inbox each Tuesday, are part of our civil and productive commenting community and enjoy the sublime satisfaction of supporting this enterprise. Browse and search back issues here.

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