The madness continues! Take your mind off the real news with both of our jokes tournaments
Beautiful thoughts, amusingly expressed
To read this issue in your browser, click on the headline above.
Tuesdays at 11:30 a.m. I talk with WGN-AM 720 host John Williams about what’s making news and likely to be grist for the PS mill. The WGN listen-live link is here.
Quip Madness: The visual jokes, round one, part one
Below are five brackets pitting the winners of the weekly poll from the past year against one another. Select your favorite in each bracket. There will be five more brackets next Tuesday, and the winners will advance to the next round:
Bracket 1
Bracket 2
Bracket 3
Bracket 4
Bracket 5
Next Tuesday will be the second round. Become a paid subscriber to be sure to get it in your mailbox!
Just below is the round of 32 in the written quips tournament.
Notes and comments from readers — lightly edited — along with my responses
Buyout and departures at the Sun-Times
Cate Plys —So Chicago Public Media needs to close a $12 million annual operating deficit at the Sun-Times. CPM execs have spent their entire professional lives watching newspapers cut staff and ruin their product. Admittedly, newspapers (and news radio) lose readers and listeners anyway due to TV/cable/streaming and to social media, but destroying the product is the surest way to drive away the audience that has stuck around. Yet, CPM thinks the way to save money at the Sun-Times is to shed some of its most experienced people, including recognizable and admired personalities such as sports columnist Rick Morrissey. It's clearly not a winning business strategy. .
Marc Martinez —No company can survive selling a product that customers are not willing to pay for. If customers are not willing to pay a price that exceeds the cost of production, then the company will not survive. The WBEZ-FM/Sun-Times merger was an admirable attempt to preserve and rebuild the radio and newspaper operations for the future, but CPM has not yet found the formula for success. I hope that they do, and I agree with Cate that shedding the staff that produces the content is the path to extinction. But the problem is the lack of value placed on the product by the public. And it’s clear that philanthropy is not sufficient to replace the historical revenue from advertising.
Zorn — My wife used to run a not-for-profit and is fond of repeating advice once imparted to her, “You can’t shrink to greatness.” That rings very true. And I agree that the cost-cutting and staff trimming at the Sun-Times (following a similar era at the Tribune) are likely to create a downward spiral in which a diminished product results in a diminished audience which results in diminished revenues which in turn will result in further cost cutting and staff trimming which will further diminish the product. And so on.
I’d wag my finger at CPM, but I don’t have a better idea. Ongoing major philanthropy is going to be necessary to sustain major newspapers outside the very top tier.
Sun-Times advice columnist Ismael Pérez announced last week that he’s accepting a buyout offer and leaving the Sun-Times. Sportswriter writer Annie Costabile announced her departure Monday.
I want to clarify that not all the journalists on my (very preliminary) list of those who are part of this year’s exodus took advantage of the buyout. Some were not eligible for the buyout and at least one — investigative ace Tim Novak — simply retired at the end of January but remains active in a part-time contract role, working and mentoring in the newsroom.
Columnist Neil Steinberg announced that he is staying at the paper. Other than that, here’s the latest from the newsroom union, which expects to hear about layoff plans as early at today (Tuesday):
Airline baggage fees
John Houck —Regarding your item on Southwest Airlines deciding to start charging for checked bags: What offends me is how nearly all airlines often announce at the gate just before boarding that there won’t be enough room in the overhead bins for everyone to store a suitcase, so they will check your carry-on bag for free. I feel like a total sucker for paying to check my suitcase.
The airlines should make the first checked bag free, charge $25 for a second checked bag (even when checked at the gate), and $50 for use of the overhead bin.
All it will take is one airline to make this change and all of them will follow suit.
Marc Martinez — I object to those who put their carry-on bags in overhead bins that are not close to their seats.
Zorn — Ideally every seat would have assigned overhead bin space large enough for a typical carry-on. That would require a significant redesign of the aircraft interior, of course. Charging for overhead bin space — it is a convenience, after all, in that it allows for quicker exits from the airport and eliminates the lost-luggage problem — would be annoying, but feel more fair.
I regularly take advantage of the free-check offer at the gate. Then I wait until the last possible minute to board, thus reducing the time I must spend in a cramped seat.
Compensation for the wrongfully incarcerated
Joanie Wimmer — Your response to the news item about two men being awarded $60 million each for being wrongfully imprisoned for 15 years was “Too much!” But if authorities framed you for a murder you did not commit, violated your constitutional rights and had you imprisoned for 15 years, what amount of money do you feel would be fair compensation for you? We live 77 years on the average, so 15 years is about one fifth of your life. There is no formula for damages for mental suffering or physical suffering. The jury hears testimony as to those elements of damages and makes a determination as to the amount of money which will fairly compensate the plaintiff for the injury. The solution, I would suggest, is better screening of police officer applicants and better training of police.
Rick Weiland —I guess one question might be how much money would you accept to voluntarily spend 15 years in prison. If anybody would take this up, my guess is the number would be more like a million bucks a year. This jury award of $8 million per year is excessive.
Eric Zorn —Settlements and jury awards when someone actually dies from police and prosecutorial misconduct are seldom close to $60 million. Which I suppose supports the idea that life in prison is worse than the death penalty. If the awards were simply magic money that we gave to the victims of justice gone wrong, then the eye-popping amounts might be justified. But it's money that comes out of public coffers and drains resources that could make life better for many people.
I don’t know of any studies that show a correlation between the size of civil awards/settlements and subsequent improvements in the administration of justice. But since, as Joanie implies, freedom is priceless, it seems to me that the monetary awards ought to be fixed at a certain amount per year of wrongful imprisonment, an amount high enough to motivate change and allow the victim to live comfortably, but not so high that it creates an entire victim class of blameless citizens.
An attack on the Illinois Policy Institute
Little Bear — You linked to Austin Berg’s first Substack post, “This $830 million debt plan is Brandon Johnson’s parking meter deal.” But the mayor’s borrowing plan is nothing like the parking meter deal.
The city is borrowing pay for needed infrastructure improvements, not just to cover a short-term debt caused by a global recession. Mayor Richard M. Daley sold a potentially lucrative source of recurring income for pennies on the dollars it was worth. Comparing what he did to what Mayor Johnson’s is doing is disingenuous. The whole framing is BS.
Berg is vice president of marketing for the Illinois Policy Institute, and the IPI carries water for billionaires who want to cut services and lower their taxes. Seriously! Look who funds them in this passage from a ProPublica’s report:
Tax records show that a handful of conservative, wealthy benefactors were key to the growth of the Illinois Policy Institute and its partner organizations.
Among them:
The Rauner Family Foundation, created and led by Bruce Rauner, then the leader of a private equity firm. The Rauner foundation donated $625,000 to the Illinois Policy Institute between 2009 and 2013.
A family foundation headed by Richard Uihlein, the leader of a packaging company who lives in Lake Forest. The Uihlein foundation has given $8.6 million to the institute since 2009 and another $2.4 million to the Liberty Justice Center and Think Freely Media.
The Mercer Family Foundation, which has contributed $1.1 million since 2009. The family has been a major financial backer of President Donald Trump and, until a recent falling out, the far-right Breitbart website.
Donors Trust, which distributes money to conservative groups around the country, including those led and funded by the industrialist Koch brothers. Donors Trust gave the institute and Think Freely Media $1.4 million from 2009 to 2015.
These are among Donald Trump’s biggest supporters.
The IPI doesn’t operate in good faith. They lie, stretch the truth, and push a narrative of lower cost for their oligarchic masters.
Bob E. — I disagree with Little Bear. The parking meter deal and the borrowing plan are very similar. Both generate significant short-term operating cash, both are structured to put off the reckoning until well down the road, when the politicians who made the deals are long gone from public office, and so both screw the taxpayers.
Both are bad public policy: Ill-conceived, poorly executed and financially innumerate.
Zorn — Plenty of responsible centrists and Democrats are aghast at the practice of fobbing off so much debt onto the future, particularly the way the mayor is going about it. And though I disagree with the IPI on a number of issues and have debated Berg in print and on “The Mincing Rascals” podcast where we are both panelists, I consider him very intelligent and well motivated (he declined my offer to jump into this conversation).
I’ve been in countless discussions about the news with Berg, and have never known him to misrepresent facts. It’s certainly fair to subject someone’s arguments and opinions to additional scrutiny when you know the biases or those who fund them, but dismissing their arguments out of hand is lazy and unpersuasive.
Mad about the madness
Rick Weiland —I find it annoying when two really funny quips are pitted against one another in your Quip Madness bracket tournament, and then, in another pairing, two really limp quips are paired.
Zorn — This is a known issue. The first time I put together my Madness poll two years ago, I seeded the entrants by their strength of victory the week they won, so that the most overwhelming winners didn’t meet until later rounds. That was more work than it was worth for all 64 entries, but I intend to seed the Tweet Sixteen brackets based on strength of victory in the round of 32 (today!) to see how that goes.
ColoNews
Mike P. — Here is new initialism that should be in the current conversation: When it comes to transgender mice and pet-eating Haitians and so on, let’s refer to “RGI” for Rectally-Generated Information.
Zorn — Seems apt, as so much of what Trump proclaims seems to be pulled straight out of his ass. But in the interest of simplicity, since AI stands for artificial intelligence, how about “RI” for rectal intelligence? Both definitions ought to have the word intelligence in quotes, of course. Let’s make it happen!
Unpopular opinions?
Don’t play ball!
This is one of mine: The baseball season is too damn long, a view underscored by the fact that today’s season opening — a meeting between the Cubs and the Dodgers in Tokyo that began at 5:10 a.m. this morning (Tuesday). That’s more than a week earlier than traditional opening day games, and two days earlier than the previous earliest opener, the March 20, 2024 game between the Dodgers and the Padres in Seoul, South Korea.
And the season won’t wrap up until very late October or early November when a World Series champion is crowned. That’s more than seven months, not counting spring training, which seems to draw more media attention than the pre-season rituals in other sports.
But it’s not just the span of the calendar, it’s the number of games — 162 plus the postseason. There are so many that, until late summer, at least, no one game feels like it matters much. The best teams lose 4 out of every 10 games, so there aren’t really even any upsets.
MLB will never cut back on the number of games. Doing so would screw up the statistics that are so important to real fans (who were none too happy 64 years ago when the season grew to 162 games from 154) and it would cost the owners ticket, concession and broadcast revenue.
Still. I’m unlikely to pay much attention until the waning weeks of August, when the races to get into the bloated post-season are close and each game feels like it matters.
You?
Last week’s result
Reader L. Meyer’s opinion that St. Patrick’s Day sucks did in fact prove quite unpopular:
Survey respondents are blasé about the day; I was among those who hardly noticed it this year.
This occasional Tuesday feature is intended to highlight opinions that are defensible but may well be unpopular. If you have one to add, leave it in comments or send me an email, but be sure to offer at least a paragraph in defense of your view.
NewsWheel
Inspired by the WordWheel puzzle in the Monday-Friday Chicago Tribune and other papers, this puzzle asks you to identify the missing letter that will make a word or words — possibly a proper noun; reading either clockwise or counterclockwise — related to a story in the news. The answer is at the bottom of the newsletter.
From last week:
Well, since about a third of you are at least slightly into it, I’ll continue. As I’ve noted before, what I like about this puzzle format is that it’s quick and a fun little challenge to start the day.
Quip Madness, the round of 32
Last Thursday I kicked off my annual bracket tournament pitting the winners of the weekly poll (along with a few runners up and personal favorites) against one another for the round of 64. More than 800 of you voted in each pairing, so now we’re down to the top 32. Here are the matchups (or just click this link to read them and vote):
Podcasts are like babies. They're too easy to create and not everyone should have one. — @marknorm
vs.
A recent study found that six of the seven dwarfs aren’t happy. — unknown
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now. — @Ruth_A_Buzzi
vs.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think EVERYONE was gonna bring a bag!” - airlines — @DanWilbur
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ping in the kitchen where it was charging, so I went to check it, The text was from my wife. She’d written, "Bring me a drink on your way back.” — @dadgivesjokes
vs.
I still say “roll up the window” for God’s sake, don’t expect me to quit calling this place Twitter anytime soon. — @ddsmidt
I asked the hotel for a wake up call and they told me my skinny jeans and red parka make me look like a lollipop. — @benedictsred
vs.
Me: Why is it so hard to build a bear-proof trashcan? Park Ranger: Because there is considerable overlap between the smartest bears and the dumbest people. — @cliffetters
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the PowerPoint presentation. — @BattyMclain
vs.
When you’re dressed all in black and someone asks, “Whose funeral is it?” looking around and saying, “I haven’t decided yet” is typically a good response. — @woofknight
Church is the worst book club ever. We've been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven't even read it. — @POOPSCRUFFIN4U
vs.
“Can I get two boxes of Sudafed?” “Sorry, by law you can only buy one at a time.” “Okay then just the one box of Sudafed and these 7 guns.” — @TheNardvark
I asked my wife what women really want and she said , “attentive lovers.” Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening. — @KenJennings
vs.
I don't usually think about what I say before I say it. I prefer to think about it after I've said it, late at night, for the rest of my life. — unknown
I asked my Grandma which walker she preferred to use. She said Johnnie. — @Dadsaysjokes
vs.
Who started calling the Tesla Cybertrucks “Deploreans?” I owe you a drink. — @franklinleonard
I’m sorry, but you can’t *always* be experiencing a higher volume of calls than average. That’s not how averages work. — @Kit_Yates_Maths
vs.
Sometimes I think about the guy at my poker table in Vegas who the pit boss thought was too drunk. Security came over, and asked him to say the alphabet starting with “M.” He replied: “Malphabet.” He was escorted out of the room. — @timjhogan
Always answer the door wearing a coat. If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home. If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out. — @BigBearF1
vs.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read. — @BobGolen
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent. — @wildethingy
vs.
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and not a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help. — @mauriceb3rd
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow, this changes everything.” — unknown
vs.
I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I'm the one with the money. — @Dadsaysjokes
I love the look on people's faces as they stand freezing at the bus stop while I drive past them. It's partly why I became a bus driver. — @NicolaJSwinney
vs.
If you enjoy interacting with people who have strong opinions and minimal life experiences, may I recommend parenthood? — @MedusaOusa
I told my dad I ran out of alcohol and didn't have any money to buy any for the weekend. So he gave me the huge bottle of vodka from the cupboard that I’d replaced with water when I was 16. Life really does come back to bite you in the ass. — @Lizbeth_Ellen
vs.
I have never been swimming because it’s never been more than 30 minutes since I last ate. — @stevesuckington.bsky.social
I would have renamed the Gulf of Mexico “Sea Señor.” — @BobGolen
vs.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying "Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here." — @GraniteDhuine
If you send me all of your old home movies on VHS tape, I will transfer them to a landfill and free you from the prison of your past. — @citizenkawala
vs.
When I say “I hate drama,” I mean I hate being involved in drama. Other people’s drama? Big fan. — @chabcharu
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Info
Eric Zorn is a former opinion columnist for the Chicago Tribune. Find a longer bio and contact information here. This issue exceeds in size the maximum length for a standard email. To read the entire issue in your browser, click on the headline link above. Paid subscribers receive each Picayune Plus in their email inbox each Tuesday, are part of our civil and productive commenting community and enjoy the sublime satisfaction of supporting this enterprise.
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Answer to the NewsWheel puzzle
MEDICARE
Thanks for the diversion of the visual and verbal jokes, but the monsters still haunt me. trump is on the phone with his buddy Vlad today to discuss the carve up and betrayal of Ukraine, Netanyahu is bombing the bejeezus out of Gaza, and the racist Afrikaner is wrecking the US government. No time to list the other monsters doing evil things.
The problem with commenting on Trump is that we all know what he is and are developing Trump fatigue. I hope I am wrong. I want him hammered for the next four years. But I just had to bring up this one. It was on 60 Minutes, so I’m sure I wasn’t the only one to see it. The Marine Corps had auditions for outstanding young band members. They were mostly from underserved populations. They were then supposed to perform with an elite marine Corps band. At the last moment, Burger Boy canceled it. Why? Those dreaded initials, DEI. So former military band members not only helped put together a performance for them but helped fund it. The Marine Commandant regretted it, but had to follow orders. I predict he will soon be replaced. I need Garry’s help here. Surely we can do better than fat fascist bastard for an avowed racist that would take this opportunity away from deserving young people. Were they not capable musicians? That’s why auditions were held. Did the program cost too much much money and fall victim to the whims of Muskrat? I feel anything I could say to properly describe Trump at this point would be totally objectionable in a civilized sense and totally inadequate to describe his character.