'Stupid Don' smartly retreats in the tariff wars

& the Quip of the Week contest returns!

4-10-2025 (issue No. 188)

This week:

• Could Trump be retreating in the trade war?

• Feedback opportunity — Your chance to weigh in on features of the Picayune Sentinel

• News and Views — Hot takes, fully baked

• That’s so Brandon! — Updates on the misadventures of Chicago’s maladroit mayor

• Land of Linkin’ — Where I tell readers where to go

• Squaring up the news — Where Charlie Meyerson tells readers where to go

• Podcast corner — More recommended listening

• Media Notes

• Mary Schmich — “Kiss My Tariffs”

• Nerding on wording — My wife fooshed!

• Here are some examples of the NewsWheel puzzle you might be missing in the Tuesday Picayune Plus

• What’s on “The Mincing Rascals” podcast this week

• Quotables — A collection of compelling, sometimes appalling passages I’ve encountered lately

• One shining moment for the winners of our annual jokes tournament

• Quips — This week’s contest finalists

• Good Sports — One man’s view on the best golfer of all time

• Tune of the Week — “All You Fascists Bound to Lose”

Here’s hoping that the partial ceasefire in the trade wars signals a course correction in the Trump White House

I admit to not being an expert in international economics — yes, this makes me an outlier among online pontificators, I know — but those who are (along with investors in the financial markets) appear almost unanimous in saying that President Donald Trump’s tariff-fueled trade wars are a really, really dumb idea.

The financial markets rallied impressively on Wednesday after Trump announced a 90-day pause on most of the trade sanctions while keeping in place a 125% tariff on Chinese goods and a 10% tariff on nearly all global imports.

Why this was such good news is a puzzle to me, as China is a leading exporter of mobile phones, computers, industrial equipment, toys, sporting goods, clothing, car parts, household appliances and more, and retail prices for those are bound to skyrocket as costs are passed along to consumers. At the same time, our exporters will face China’s retaliatory tariffs — 84% during this standoff — on soybeans, pharmaceuticals, semiconductors and other products the U.S. ships to China.

I’m just a simple English major, so someone will have to tell me how this isn’t going to be wildly inflationary.

Assuming for the sake of argument that much trade among nations has been unfair to us and that a renegotiation of tariff rates has been overdue, I’m more than skeptical that Trump’s wild swinging, maximalist, blustery approach is the way to improve the standard of living for average Americans in the long run.

I would have liked to have seen the administration first engage in tough negotiations with our trading partners. If those had failed, then I could see the case for carefully calibrated increases with an eye toward leveling the playing field with nations where environmental laws are lax and labor is unconscionably cheap.

But careful and incremental reforms are not how Trump rolls. As my fellow “Mincing Rascals” panelist Cate Plys points out on this week’s podcast, the president has taken the same blunt, reckless approach to cutting government spending and cracking down on undocumented immigrants — taking politically popular notions and transforming them into ugly, vengeful crusades.

Someone, somewhere, somehow talked a little sense into Trump — emphasis on the “little.” Success — in the form of lower prices, higher wages and healthy financial markets — still seems doubtful, but slightly less doubtful than it did on Tuesday.

The quip of the week poll returns!

Here are this week’s nominees, and here is the direct link to the new poll and the winner of this week’s visual jokes poll.

Feedback opportunity

For those of you who didn’t see it in your inbox a week ago, here is the link to my second readership survey. It will take only a minute or so to fill out and will help me fine-tune this publication. Results next week.

News & Views

News: President Trump skips the arrival of four dead U.S. soldiers at Andrews Air Force Base in order to attend a dinner at Trump National Doral Golf Club.

View: Gosh, remember how Republicans totally lost their shit when President Joe Biden was seen checking his watch during a dignified transfer ceremony for fallen soldiers at Andrews AFB in 2021?

At least he was there. Now, when Dear Leader blows off yet another such ceremony entirely — he reportedly skipped all but four of the nearly 100 such transfers during his first term — the right is cheering his “golf diplomacy.” And let’s not forget this Trump campaign commercial:

As commander in chief, he always had his soldiers’ backs, was always there to support them and their families. He kept his promise to keep them out of endless wars and to never forget about them after they served. America learned having a weak leader can tragically lead to American deaths, which is why America needs strength now, more than ever. I'm Donald J. Trump, and I approve this message.

News: Sesame Street facing a ‘perfect storm’ of problems (gift link):

View: Sesame Workshop doesn’t need to keep making new shows.

The New York Times reports:

The organization is losing its lucrative contract with HBO, which has paid $30 million to $35 million a year for a decade for rights to the show. … (And) cuts to the United States Agency for International Development have stripped Sesame Workshop of some valuable grants that the nonprofit did not anticipate abruptly losing. What’s more, “Sesame Street” is at risk of getting lost in the shuffle of a deeply competitive and fast-changing children’s TV landscape. The show reliably ranks far behind shows like “Bluey” and “Cocomelon” in Nielsen’s streaming numbers — and YouTube is eating up even more of the attention.

When your target demographic — 3- to 5-year-olds — rapidly ages out and your educational and uplifting messages are more or less timeless, vintage shows could be put on an extended cycle of reruns with no harm to the overall mission of the 56-year-old program.

News: “Catholic Health Initiatives-Iowa, a faith-based health care provider, is arguing in a medical malpractice case that the loss of an unborn child does not equate to the death of a “person” for the purpose of calculating damage awards.”

View: Well, well, well. So much for the main anti-choice argument.

CHI and MercyOne are arguing that while the cap on damages includes an exemption for cases that entail the “loss or impairment of mind or body,” that exemption should not apply to a case where a fetus or unborn child is lost. …. (They) argue that “finding an unborn child to be a ‘person’ would lead to serious implications in other areas of the law.” They also argue the Andersons’ unborn child should not be considered a “patient” for purposes of calculating damages.

States Newsroom has an excellent round-up page for abortion policy changes and proposals throughout the country. And don’t miss Steve Chapman’s column, “Crackdown on abortion providers and seekers is reminiscent of the Fugitive Slave Act.”

News: “Trump planning military parade through DC for 79th birthday”

View: Are his dictatorial aspirations clear yet to MAGA enablers who consider themselves patriots and devotees of the Constitution? It doesn’t get much more generalissimo than a downtown military parade on your birthday.

News: National Weather Service is no longer translating announcements and warnings for non-English speakers

View: Google Translate or any number of AI programs could resolve this situation quickly and cheaply, assuming the administration gives a damn about those who don’t speak our now-official national language.

The contract lapse comes as President Donald Trump’s administration is seeking to slash spending in federal agencies, including cuts within the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration that have led to high employee vacancy rates at NWS offices.

News: In a speech to the National Republican Congressional Committee this week, Trump said, “The hardest thing I had to do with Joe Biden is the nickname: Do I call him ‘Sleepy Joe’ or ‘Crooked Joe’?”

View: Trump’s Biden Derangement Syndrome is out of control, still spewing wild insults and accusations at his predecessor, even though Biden handed him a fairly healthy economy and has no credible criminal accusations against him.

But since Trump continues to engage in sandbox taunts, I feel justified in referring to him as “Stupid Don.” Not that he doesn’t exhibit undeniable political cunning, but that he seems ignorant about basic economics, public health and the contours of the U.S. Constitution.

News: “Utah becomes the first state to ban fluoride in public drinking water”

View: I’m not a public health expert, so my instinctively negative view on this is based on the observation that the leading champion for this idea is our crackpot U.S. health secretary, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. But from The Associated Press article “Why water fluoridation, long considered a public health success story, is under scrutiny,” I see there is some cause for concern about high levels of fluoride and that at least some scrutiny of the practice is in order.

A report last year by the federal government’s National Toxicology Program, which summarized studies conducted in Canada, China, India, Iran, Pakistan and Mexico, concluded that drinking water with more than 1.5 milligrams of fluoride per liter — more than twice the U.S. Centers for Disease Control’s recommended level — was associated with lower IQs in kids.

Meanwhile, last year, a federal judge ordered the EPA to further regulate fluoride in drinking water.

Kennedy is forming a task force to study the issue, but my confidence in the objectivity of that task force is close to zero.

News: “Lawsuit claims Chicago approval for cannabis store in Streeterville was illegal”

View: I feel I need to resurface my observation that it’s baffling how so many in the public seem to regard pot shops as dens of iniquity when they’re less disruptive than taverns or liquor stores. A 2019 study published in the journal Regional Science and Urban Economics found:

An additional dispensary in a neighborhood leads to a reduction of 17 crimes per month per 10,000 residents, which corresponds to roughly a 19 percent decline relative to the average crime rate over the sample period.

They are safe, legal businesses that make neighborhoods safer, yet NIMBYs and reefer-madness folks imagine them as gathering spots for depraved, desperate addicts. Customers don’t consume marijuana at dispensaries as they consume alcohol at bars. Dispensaries typically have numerous security measures in place and, in my experience, are as quiet and orderly as banks. (Speaking of which, see a 2010 article that reported, “Denver pot shops’ robbery rate lower than banks.”)

Update

My view last week that the results in the Oak Park Library Board elections vindicated the controversial (and very weird) decision last March to fire its executive director needed more nuance, as Bob Skolnik’s news article on the results underscored:

Both incumbents running for reelection lost … (including) Library Board President Matt Fruth, who has been on the Library Board for 20 years, following in the footsteps of his father, (and who) finished last in a field of eight candidates.

Candidates on the slate that supported the firing finished first, third and fourth in an election for four seats, but a candidate in the slate that opposed the firing — a trio branded as “reactionaries” by the West Cook Branch of Chicago Democratic Socialists of America — finished second.

That’s So Brandon!

Updates on the misadventures of Chicago’s mayor

From the Tribune’s Jake Sheridan:

(Mayor Brandon) Johnson’s budget office has forecast budget gaps of $1.12 billion in 2026 and $1.32 billion in 2027. …

He promised to look for “progressive revenue,” but once again rejected the idea of shrinking government to balance the city’s sure-to-be-unwieldy books. “The conversation cannot start off with cuts,” he said. … “I was elected to invest in people. Many people want those investments, so now we have to have the strategic conversations about what it’s going to take to make sure that those investments are secure.”

Still hoping for the money fairy to sprinkle largesse on the city, I guess. But anyone who thinks Chicago city government is already lean and efficient is not a serious person.

And there’s this from “Mayor Brandon Johnson landed a teachers union deal. Was it worth it?” by the Tribune’s Nell Salzman, Alice Yin and Jake Sheridan:

Johnson has struggled to explain his pivot from decrying mayoral rule of the Chicago Public Schools as a Chicago Teachers Union organizer, to now lambasting those who challenge his authority after he assumed power. The freshman mayor has both portrayed resistance to him as antagonism toward a progressive Black leader, and insisted that more “democracy” is a good thing.

Meanwhile, we finally have a response, of sorts, from key Johnson ally CTU President Stacy Davis Gates to the claim that she greeted SEIU Illinois State Council Executive Director Anthony Driver at a political fundraiser by saying, “Y’all ain’t shit, and you ain’t shit.”

That was their story, and they get to have their story.

The narrative, though, is that this smack talk deepened the wedge between the two powerful unions in a way that further imperils Johnson’s chances for reelection in 2027.

Land of Linkin’

• Block Club Chicago’s Atavia Reed this week posted “An Illegal Junkyard Has Operated In Englewood For A Decade. Why Hasn’t The City Cleaned It Up?” It’s a great example of important and thorough reporting.

• “As teens ‘take over’ downtown once again, Chicago faces a choice” by the Tribune’s Rebecca Johnson, Nell Salzman and Jake Sheridan is a similarly impressive look at a knotty problem facing city officials and police.

• Pure uplift: Music teacher Evan Jacobson at William Hatch Elementary School in Oak Park has his students play steel drums, and the results are nothing short of astounding. Here, a group of fifth graders performs A-ha’s 1985 hit, “Take On Me.”

• You are a nicer, more sophisticated person than I am if you don’t laugh watching “Casket Catastrophe,” a TV news story out of Philadelphia that recalled the “Coffin Flop” segment on the Netflix series “I Think You Should Leave.” The pallbearers in Philly were not seriously hurt.

• The New York Times: “These Words Are Disappearing in the New Trump Administration.” (gift link) “As President Trump seeks to purge the federal government of ‘woke’ initiatives, agencies have flagged hundreds of words to limit or avoid, according to a compilation of government documents.”

• Picayune Plus: “My check from George Soros has not yet arrived, yet I’m glad I marched on Saturday anyway.”

Bird-watching:

• Rogers Park-based portrait photographer Chad Leverenz has gone viral this week with an 8-second, AI-generated TikTok video showing an upraised middle finger rising from the water like the fin in “Jaws.”

At this writing, it has 27.1 million views. Leverenz told me he created the video as a humorous message to his father-in-law — flipping each other off for no reason is part of their “love language,” he said, and I totally relate. Here’s how he told me he did it:

Recently, ChatGPT has really stepped up its game in the area of creating photorealistic images. I took a photo of my middle finger, uploaded it and asked ChatGPT to use it as a subject reference. I uploaded another photo I had taken of a lake years ago. Then I asked the AI to combine them so that it looked like the middle finger was emerging from the lake. I also let the program know that this was a joke; that absurdity was fully on the table. I had to ask for ChatGPT to add a wake to imply motion and I had to ask for the ratio and orientation of the image to change to 16:9, landscape. ChatGPT can’t do video. So, I needed to generate an image that would show the hand before it has emerged fully. In total I had it generate 3 images in a somewhat consistent environment. I took those images and uploaded them to an AI video generating program called Luma Dream Machine. It would not have done a great job generating the initial images. But it does an amazing job of connecting two photos or videos by “imagining” how they are connected in time. I was able to specify the kind of tracking shot that I wanted, speed, duration, etc., so, photos 1 and 2 were made into a 5-second clip, then that 5-second clip was made to connect with the final key frame in image 3.

If you’re on TikTok, give Leverenz a follow. He’s almost to 10,000 followers, the threshold for members to make a bit of money when they go viral.

UPDATE at 6:30 p.m. Thursday: The video now has 29.8 million views and Leverenz has reached 10,000 followers.

Squaring up the news

This is a bonus supplement to the Land of Linkin’ from veteran radio, internet and newspaper journalist Charlie Meyerson. Each week, he offers a selection of intriguing links from his daily email news briefing Chicago Public Square:

■ 4-20 anxiety: Fueled by speculation that the U.K.’s Metro says “hinges on circumstantial timing and a healthy dose of fear,” a rising drumbeat of concern suggests that that date—notably, Hitler’s birthday—could bring a declaration of martial law by Donald Trump.

■ He set the clock ticking with a Day One executive order.

■ The Sun-Times’ Neil Steinberg turns his column over to a Duke University historian who explains the “very deep roots” of Trump’s “carnival of cruelty.”

■ The Intercept: In what may be a first, Trump’s pardoned a corporation.

■ “Judge Writes ‘Gulf Of Mexico’ On Trump’s Face In Sharpie”: Wonkette’s Evan Hurst celebrates an order that the White House restore full access to presidential events for the Associated Press—which the president has excluded for its refusal to rename the Gulf of Mexico.

■ “Media malpractice”: Journalism watchdog Mark Jacob called out Chicago’s NBC affiliate—among others—for unquestioningly amplifying the Illinois Republican Party’s lie attributing anti-Trump protests in Chicago, Illinois, across the nation and around the world to “paid far-left actors.” But then the station removed that passage and the corresponding video report from its website.

■ “I’ve never done something that was so universally well received in my entire life”: A third-year associate at Chicago’s Skadden law firm is quitting to protest her employer’s deal with the Trump administration.

■ Inspired by Trump’s disapproval of his official portrait in Colorado, filmmaker Michael Moore’s readers submitted more than a thousand others.

■ “Jeopardy!” host Ken Jennings on the costs Trump’s tariff plan would impose on his supporters: “This is really unfair to everyone who just voted for him for the racism.” And Jennings didn’t stop there.

■ At least one report says the show’s producers are looking to replace Jennings.

■ “Seismic shift”: In formerly reliably Republican DuPage County, last week’s township elections—you know, the ones almost no one normally pays any attention to?—will bring Democratic control to boards that never before elected a single Democrat.

■ Gotta go? City Cast Chicago flushes out the city’s best free public restrooms and seeks your suggestions for others.

■ WBEZ’s Chip Mitchell: A Cook County Circuit Court judge was set today to consider whether to let a former Guantánamo detainee testify that he was tortured under the supervision of an ex-Chicago cop who was on leave from the city at the time.

You can (and should) subscribe to Chicago Public Square free here.

Podcast corner

From The New York Times: “These five shows all center on stories so shocking, unbelievable and full of twists that it’s hard to believe they’re nonfiction.”

• “Noble”

• “Sold a Story”

• “Kill List”

• “Inconceivable Truth”

• “The Superhero Complex”

Meanwhile, The Podcast Academy announced the winners of its fifth annual Awards for Excellence in Audio at the McCormick Convention Center on March 31. Among the winners:

• Podcast of The Year: “Hysterical”

• Best Comedy Podcast: “Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang”

• Best Documentary Podcast: “Tested”

• Best Fiction Podcast: “Tales of Fists & Fireballs”

• Best History Podcast: “Empire City: The Untold Origin Story of the NYPD”

• Best Knowledge, Science or Tech Podcast: “99% Invisible”

• Best Podcast for Kids: “Wow in the World”

• Best True Crime Podcast: “Beyond All Repair”

Media notes

Columnist Eugene Robinson leaves The Washington Post over Jeff Bezos’ ominous decree

From Poynter’s Tom Jones:

Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Eugene Robinson told staff in a note on (April 3), “I wanted to let you know that I’ve decided to leave The Post. The announced ‘significant shift’ in our section’s mission has spurred me to decide that it’s time for my next chapter.” …

In late February, Bezos told staff in a memo about the changes to the paper’s opinions section, writing, “We are going to be writing every day in support and defense of two pillars: personal liberties and free markets. We’ll cover other topics too of course, but viewpoints opposing those pillars will be left to be published by others.”

An all-’XRT final in Axios Chicago’s bracket tournament for best Chicago radio host of all time

Who is the best radio host in Chicago history? Axios Chicago ran an online bracket poll this week, and the final pairing pits the legendary Terri Hemmert against the late, great Lin Brehmer, both from WXRT-FM.

Hemmert beat Paul Harvey, Wally Phillips and Dick Biondi in the 16-entrant contest, while Brehmer beat Tom Joyner, the team of Kathy O’Malley and Judy Markey, and Larry Lujack.

Comparing these stars is difficult. Bob Sirott, now WGN-AM’s morning host, beat Steve Dahl, now a podcaster in the first round, and though it’s easy to make a case for Sirott’s skill at the microphone and comprehensive knowledge of Chicago sports, politics and culture, Dahl’s freewheeling iconoclasm had the biggest impact on local radio of any personality I can think of.

And “This American Life” host and founder Ira Glass continues to have an important place in the national history of documentary radio, yet he lost resoundingly in the first round to the wildly entertaining Jonathon Brandmeier.

As many online commenters pointed out, this could easily have been a 64-entrant bracket given the many talented, popular DJs and talk show hosts we’ve had here. I could even make a case for Axios Chicago’s own Justin Kaufmann, who shone at WBEZ-FM and WGN-AM.

Maybe next year?

Go vote! The poll will remain open until 4 p.m. Thursday.

A Trump-appointed judge declines to bend the knee

U.S. District Court Judge Trevor N. McFadden, a Trump appointee, ruled Tuesday that it’s unconstitutional for the White House to block access to Associated Press journalists because the wire service still uses the “Gulf of Mexico.”

Good to know that Chris Miller is not a foreign farmer!

The above was the shirttail description of the author of an op-ed essay blasting Gov. JB Pritzker in the print editions of Tuesday’s Tribune.

First, an “American farmer”? As an elected official, of course, he’s an American citizen. It strikes me as a gratuitous to xenophobic description, and it appeared because the Trib allows contributors to write their own mini-bios, even though these brief identifiers appear to be written by the paper. Here, rather than Miller’s obvious nationality, it would have been more important to note that he is a Republican (as was noted in a corrected online version).

Second, my guess is that not one in 10,000 Tribune readers knows where the 110th state House District is. In fact, my guess is that most readers are like me and don’t even know the number of their own House districts, even when they know the name of their state rep, making this data point uninformative at best. (The 110th is east and a bit north of St. Louis.)

And finally, why do newspapers continue the tradition of putting such explanatory attributions at the end of opinion essays instead of right under the byline?

I put these questions to Editorial Page Editor Chris Jones. His reply:

We should have had his party affiliation, as that is our policy. Otherwise, yes, he gets to call himself an American farmer, being one, and, no, we're not changing our opinion shirt tail; our readers know where to look. Writers draft their own; we edit them if and when we find them overly promotional or, more often, too long. But we appreciate our contributors and I note that you are, of course, only remarking on this because he is a Republican. Red meat, no pun intended. In reality, Democrats are far worse shirt-tail offenders.

Everyone has their faults, and one of mine may be blindness to Democratic “shirt-tail offenders,” so I asked Jones for some examples. He did not respond.

The whole idea of “shirt-tail offenders” is nuts, though. Since the brief author descriptions appear to be written by the newspaper and not the authors themselves, they ought to be as studiously neutral and relevant as possible. In this case, Miller’s op-ed addressed how regulations have exacerbated the housing shortage and had nothing to do with agriculture.

And while it's true that readers “know where to look” for attribution and it's simple to glance down to the end when looking at the print product, online readers have to scroll down to see who is wagging their finger and then scroll back up. I'm surprised that online publications haven't adopted a new convention.

And other than "readers know where to look" and "that's the way we've always done it," I can't come up with a justification for hanging on to this hoary tradition. A news story would never quote someone and then wait until a footnote at the end of the story to tell you who that person is.

I suppose the final question might be, does it matter who is making an argument as long as the argument is sound? Don’t arguments and think pieces stand on their own? Intuitively, you know that it does. Those looking to make a point often choose their facts and frame their points of view in ways that may unfairly minimize or undercut reasonable dissents, and it often helps to read or listen to such views through that lens, and then to seek out differing views from sources with an opposing partisan or ideological bent.

But here’s the real question:

568 votes

(I’m stunned that 1 in 5 of you know the number of your House district!)

Mary Schmich: ‘Kiss My Tariffs,’ another TrumPoem

My former colleague Mary Schmich posts occasional column-like entries on Facebook. Here, reprinted with permission, is a new poem, posted Wednesday.

The whole damn world can kiss my ass
In fact, that’s what they’re doing!
England, China, Mexico!
So what that they’re boo hooing?

My tariffs they are very large
Enormous! Huge! They’re giant!
As big as my ginormous (bleep)
And I remain defiant!

Economists are crying, “Stop!
Trump’s tariffs are moronic!
“His tariffs are a madman’s dream!
“They’re crazy! They’re demonic!”

Those Wall Street wimps are whining too
Their teensy stocks are crashing
The Dems, of course, say nasty things
They love a good Trump bashing.

But I am king! And I’m in charge!
A great negotiator!
Who cares if other people lose?
I am the dominator!

Winning, winning, winning more
My ego's all that matters!
So what if all these tariffs leave

The whole wide world in tatters?
So what if you'll be paying more
For purses, cars and clothing?
Oh, spare me all your doomsday talk

You bore me with your loathing.
It’s time for the whole world to bow
To me and me alone!
But, by the way, today’s the day
To buy that new iPhone.

Nerding on wording

Neologism watch

I recently learned a new acronym from a house guest who’d worked as a paramedic: “foosh,” standing for “fall on outstretched hand,” a common way that people sprain or break their wrists. Usage: In early February, my wife, Johanna, fooshed on the ice and suffered a badly broken wrist. And fooshing was evidently a huge problem that day because the emergency room was packed with fooshers.

Word court

There was a small kerfuffle recently in the comment threads over the word “actress,” which is one of the few surviving feminized terms, most of which are now out of favor — stewardess, waitress, aviatrix, comedienne, salesgirl and so on. My guess is we still use it largely because best actress and best supporting actress are Academy Award categories. Jurors?

576 votes

The distinction between the words “uninterested” and “disinterested” is important, yet they are used so interchangeably that I fear the battle to preserve the separation has been lost.

"Uninterested” means bored by or indifferent to a topic or an event. I am uninterested in Major League Soccer scores.

“Disinterested” means not having a personal stake — sometimes financial — in a topic or event. “Trial judges are disinterested parties.”

Join the fun and play NewsWheel first thing Tuesday mornings.

Inspired by the WordWheel puzzle in the Monday-Friday Chicago Tribune and other papers, I have started featuring the NewsWheel puzzle in the Tuesday Picayune Plus edition, which is emailed to paid subscribers. My version asks you to identify the missing letter that will make a word or words — possibly a proper noun or proper nouns — reading either clockwise or counterclockwise — related to a story in the news. Here are four recent examples:

The answers are at the bottom of this newsletter, and if you enjoy it, please consider becoming a paid supporter of this publication. Thank you!

Minced Words

Cate Plys and I joined host John Williams on this week’s episode of “The Mincing Rascals” podcast to discuss trade wars, protests, feckless politicians and the so-far successful effort in the General Assembly to push the age of mandatory annual drivers tests back to 87.

At the end of the show, a discussion about the conclusion of the third season of “The White Lotus” on HBO Max had us tackling the question of how soon is too soon to casually drop spoilers into conversations without warning. The days are gone when we all watched the same denouements at the same time — Cate mentioned the widely watched series finale of “The Fugitive” in 1967 in which Lt. Gerard killed the one-armed man and Dr. Richard Kimble was exonerated in his wife’s murder, and I invoked the 1980 episode of “Dallas” in which the nation learned that sister-in-law Kristin Shepard was the person who shot J.R. Ewing.

Many of us are behind in our viewing and catch up to these big streaming TV events weeks or even months later. So the question for your consideration is how much time needs to go by before you need no longer have to say “spoiler alert” and give your listener (or reader) the opportunity not to learn major plot twists?

Subscribe to us wherever you get your podcasts. Or bookmark this page. If you’re not a podcast listener, you can hear an edited version of the show at 8 p.m. most Saturday evenings on WGN-AM 720. And “Rosebud” was his sled.

Read the background bios of some regular panelists here.

Quotables

A collection of compelling, sometimes appalling passages I’ve encountered lately

An American economy that was strong and the envy of the world a matter of months ago is being led off the cliff by a collection of wannabe robber barons and babbling, old-timey snake-oil salesmen. — Rex Huppke

The sleepy, old guy saw nine straight quarters of record stock gains and job growth. The smartest businessman in the world fucked it all up in eight weeks. — unknown

(The Smoot-Hawley Tariff of 1930 was) among the most catastrophic acts in congressional history. … A thousand economists signed a petition, drafted by a Chicago economist, and future U.S. senator, Paul Douglas (an Illinois Democrat), that implored (Republican President Herbert Hoover) to veto the tariff. … In 1932, (voters) turned the majority in both houses over to the Democrats, by large margins. — U.S. Senate website

My 401(k) has been replaced by a Spirit Halloween. — Rodney Lacroix

MAGAs are going to be so broke once these tariffs kick in that they're going to have to rent the libs instead of owning them. — Agent Self FBI

This is really unfair to everyone who just voted for him for the racism. — Ken Jennings

The billionaires have decided that the people with nothing have too much. — Bob Golen

As a matter of policy, we do not respond to reporters with pronouns in their bios. — White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt

We're in the midst of an authoritarian takeover of the U.S. government. It's been coming and coming, and not everybody is prepared to read it that way. The characters regarded as people to emulate, like Orban and Putin and so on, all indicate that the strategy is to create an illiberal democracy or an authoritarian democracy or a strongman democracy. That's what we're experiencing. Our problem in part is a failure of imagination. We cannot get ourselves to see how this is going to unfold in its most frightening versions. You neutralize the branches of government; you neutralize the media; you neutralize universities, and you're on your way. — Lee Bollinger, former president of the University of Michigan and Columbia University

Defund the police? Why do Republicans hate the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau and IRS so much? Because these are the police for the 1%. — Jack Boot

1) Announce that I’m going to shoot myself in the foot for no reason
2) Friends panic and try to convince me not to do it
3) Doctors warn I’ll be crippled long term
4) Everyone thinks I’m reckless and insane
5) Pause the shooting 90 days
6) Declare myself an expert in podiatry -- Rick Aaron

One shining moment for the winners of our annual jokes tournament

This post repeated from Tuesday’s Picayune Plus:

The winner of the best quip/tweet of the last 12 months as selected by readers in a bracket tournament was:

I’m sorry, but you can’t always be experiencing a higher volume of calls than average. That’s not how averages work. — @Kit_Yates_Maths

And here is the winner of the best visual joke from our weekly poll:

Review the Final Four here.

Previous winners:

• 2024

• 2023

• 2022

The new nominees for Quip of the Week

• Whenever I see chocolate, I hear two voices in my head. One of them says, “Eat the chocolate.” And the other one says, “You heard her, eat the chocolate.” — unknown

• It was easier to make friends as children because you just had to be the same age as someone. — @citizenkawala

• “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing, except when you’re at a funeral. — unknown

• Oh, pardonnez moi. Didn't meant to be a “third wheel.” Enjoy your precious anniversary dinner. — @kipconlon

• Someone just called my son “gay” on Xbox, and he responded, “I’m straighter than the pole your mother dances on.” — unknown

• What I'm hearing is, you Googled and discovered I'm not actually a therapist. How does that make you feel? — @kipconlon

• You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “Hotdogs! Hotdogs!” over and over again? That’s me, looking for hotdogs. — @MoMohler

• This "all purpose" flour did not get my car clean at all. — @bestestname

• Ladies, text your man, "I want to talk when we get home," so he knows you're thinking about him. — @HenpeckedHal

• Crappy diem: When you have seized the wrong day. — @ToolGirl18

Vote here and check the current results in the poll.

For instructions and guidelines regarding the poll, click here.

And here is the timely winner of this week’s visual jokes poll:

Good Sports

Who is the best golfer ever?

Arnold Palmer? Bobby Jones? Jack Nicklaus? Ben Hogan? Tiger Woods?

Author Michael Arkush, whom I met when we both worked at the Michigan Daily student newspaper in the 1970s, set out to answer that question for his new book, “The Golf 100: A Spirited Ranking of the Greatest Players of All Time.” His method was a little bit art but mostly science, giving each player points for victories in golf’s four major golf tournaments — the Masters, the PGA, the U.S. Open and the Open Championship, known colloquially as the British Open — and trying to account for careers cut short and other intangibles.

His answer was Nicklaus. And WSCR-AM host David Haugh grilled him about that choice during an interview last week at the Union League Club. Here is a brief portion of the transcript:

Haugh: How did you go into factoring all that went into that debate, and did you second-guess yourself much along the way?

Arkush: Well, Jack has 20 major victories, 19 second places in majors and nine thirds. Tiger has 15 majors.

Haugh: But those are metrics. Those are numbers. How do you factor in the things that are harder to quantify, such as overall impact on the sport? That would be the argument from those who say the case for Tiger being number 1 is stronger.

Arkush: Tiger’s impact has been unbelievable. But he imploded. Tiger won his 14th major at Torrey Pines in 2008. He was 32 years old. Everybody said it was not a question of if he was going to break Jack's record, but when. Then came the injuries, which were part of why he never made it. And also the scandal. I mean, greatness is not just about numbers. It's also about who inspires us, who was great in all senses of the word, not just performance on the course. And Tiger let us down. He let the game down.

I did the numbers. I added the numbers of all these guys 20 or 30 times. I was not a math major, so I wanted to make sure I didn't screw that up. Jack had more points.

Haugh: How hard was it to come up with number three?

Arkush: Number three was between Ben Hogan and Bobby Jones. I have all the respect in the world for Ben Hogan, but Bobby Jones won 13 majors in his last 21 starts. He retired at the age of 28. He won the Grand Slam, and oh, by the way, he did all this while having a day job as a lawyer. We forget too often how incredible Bobby Jones was. I even thought for a while when I put all the numbers together that he was the greatest of all time, not Jack or Tiger.

Haugh: No qualms about Arnold Palmer being just number five?

Arkush: No. Arnold's numbers alone would have had him a little lower, maybe number seven. But I had to consider his impact on the game. I mean, he brought golf to the masses.

Each entry is accompanied by a biographical profile putting the golfer in the context of his or her time (yes, women are on the list). Golf fans will enjoy arguing about the inclusions (who is that?) omissions (what, no Scottie Scheffler?) and order, which is all part of the point of such a book.

No, no, not again!

In Tuesday’s Picayune Plus I responded to letter writer Michael Hanley who suggested it might be time to dust off my “No-No Sox” feature of last year when I followed the progress — if that’s the right word — of the 2024 Chicago White Sox against the worst performing teams in MLB history.

I did not think this would be necessary, but I promised to keep an eye on the team’s performance relative to the .235 winning percentage of his 1916 Philadelphia A’s the single worst team in baseball’s modern era (since 1900).

Welp, after Wednesday’s loss, the Sox are 2-9, for a winning percentage of .182.

Promises made, promises kept.

Tune of the Week

A highlight for me at Saturday’s “Hands Off!” rally and protest march in downtown Chicago was the small group of protesters we encountered who were singing Woody Guthrie’s 1944 anthem, “All You Fascists Bound to Lose.” Guthrie’s original recording is here, and many cover versions are here, but I’m partial to this 2020 version from Rhiannon Giddens and the Resistance Revival Chorus:

People of every color, marching side to side
Marching ‘cross these fields where a million fascists died
You’re bound to lose, you fascists bound to lose

Here is a passage from “‘They have their music and we have ours’: The Political Woody Guthrie” by Dutch scholar Nicholas Carr:

Guthrie realized that anti-fascism was the greatest unifying cause for the sorts of groups to which he was appealing. As others have noted, he made a tactical use of it that attempted to funnel this widespread support into other causes. He was always ready to equate fascism with capitalism and thereby to expand the fight against one into a fight against the other. … If labor was the leader of the people’s struggle against fascism, then opposition to the working class was doubly tainted—not just as unpatriotic but as pro-Hitler.

I’ve been opening up Tune of the Week nominations in an effort to bring some newer sounds to the mix. I’m asking readers to use the comments area for paid subscribers or to email me to leave nominations (post-2000 releases, please!) along with YouTube links and at least a few sentences explaining why the nominated song is meaningful or delightful to you.

Info

Eric Zorn is a former opinion columnist for the Chicago Tribune. Find a longer bio and contact information here. This issue exceeds in size the maximum length for a standard email. To read the entire issue in your browser, click on the headline link above. Paid subscribers receive each Picayune Plus in their email inbox each Tuesday, are part of our civil and productive commenting community and enjoy the sublime satisfaction of supporting this enterprise. Browse and search back issues here.

Contact

You can email me at ericzorn@gmail.com or by clicking here:

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Thanks for reading!

Answer to the NewsWheel puzzles:

• TRADE WAR

• MEDICARE

• SUNTIMES

• PAM BONDI