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12-16-2021 (issue No. 14)
I thought I’d offer a bit of service journalism today along with my latest meditation on a sensational trial: A recommendation of a new kind of shoe.
Following that useful item, then, you’ll find—
Thoughts on the Jussie Smollett verdict
Views on the new gendering policy for bathrooms in Chicago Public Schools, private security forces in crime-anxious city neighborhoods, whether we should refer to Mehmet Oz as “Doctor” and more
Reflections on Songs of Good Cheer from me and Mary Schmich
An excerpt from Brian Williams’ ominous farewell to MSNBC viewers
My nomination for the single best Christmas song ever written
— and more.
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Scroll down to read this week’s nominees or click here to vote in the new poll.
In which Zorn steps in to the latest trend in casual footwear
Behold my new shoes! They are Zeba Jet Black hands-free sneakers with springy, collapsible heels that make them as easy to step into as slippers, yet as comfortably snug as the New Balance cross-trainers they’ve replaced.
I made the switch in early November after seeing numerous Facebook ads for Kizik hands-free shoes — a Zeba competitor — and reading up online about the concept.
The ads were targeting me because I am Of A Certain Age — 64 next month — and these shoes are perfect for those of us who no longer like to fumble with laces yet who aren’t ready for sneakers that fasten with Velcro straps and signal to the world that we’re all the way into our don’t-give-a-damn dotage.
Other ads also note that hands-free shoes are good for those with disabilities or pregnant bellies as well as for young, active, people too busy to bother with the traditional rituals of becoming securely shod.
You talkin’ to me?
I was intrigued because I’d often smashed down the heels on my New Balance shoes trying to slip into them and because the laces often came loose unless I tied them with great care. The various companies that make such shoes — including Nike with their new Glide FlyEase models — have simply stiffened the top part of the heel and engineered it to spring back into place once you’ve shoved into the shoe. No more “flats.”
Some models don’t have laces, but mine do. The first time I put them on, I pulled the laces to a comfortably snug fit and tied a very strong double knot. There are supposedly 21 different ways to tie one’s shoes, but I went with the basic method. I’ve only had to re-tie one of them once in six weeks.
My Zebas are slightly heavier than the old New Balance shoes (and, at $140, they cost twice as much) but they fit just as well and I’ve really come to appreciate being able to step in and slip out of them easily and (almost) never having to tie them. I’m a believer.
I can’t compare Zeba to similar products from Kizik, Nike and other competitors, though New York Magazine tech writer David Pogue, a Kizik convert, reports, “I’ve pretty much stopped wearing anything else. They’re effortless enough for running out to the mailbox or picking up a kid after school, but dressy enough for neighborhood parties and even business-casual events.”
And I can’t yet tell how durable they’ll turn out to be compared to the New Balance shoes that tended to fall apart after a year. But I’m eager to hear from those who’ve been in the step-in shoe cult longer than I have.
Will I ever go back?
Were the Zebas my best purchase of 2021? As Johanna and I were discussing it I decided no, that would have to be our Honda CRV Hybrid, by far the best car we’ve ever owned. But what about you? What was your best purchase of 2021? Let me know here —
A Cook County jury found Jussie Smollett guilty last Thursday on five out of six felony counts of disorderly conduct for staging a hate-crime attack against himself in late January 2019.
The formal response from Cook County State’s Attorney Kim Foxx, whose office had tried to give Smollett a pass but was overruled by a special prosecutor, sounded grudging:
The jury has spoken. While this case has garnered a lot of attention, we hope as a county we can move forward. At the Cook County State’s Attorney’s Office we will continue to focus on the important work of this office, prioritizing and prosecuting violent crime.
The CWB Chicago site wasted no time in pointing out that for all of Foxx’s preening about her priorities, her office went hammer and tongs after two of the men arrested in July 2019 for tagging Cloud Gate (the tourist attraction informally known as “The Bean”) in Millennium Park.
(One of the men) pleaded guilty at the end of September to one count of criminal damage in a plea deal that … ended with him getting a one-year prison term.… The sentence was offset by 477 days of credit that he received for sitting at home on electronic monitoring while the case dragged on.
That story simply underscores what an embarrassment the Smollett case has been for Foxx. Yes, she rather handily won re-election last year. But I no longer like her chances for higher office, as I once did.
I also don’t like Smollett’s chances for a career revival. His name seems forever destined to be a punchline, so to speak, and his star turns limited to appearances on reality shows.
The story that comes closest to resembling Smollett’s for the way minor illegal conduct provoked mockery is the story of Hugh Grant. The actor was arrested for lewd conduct after being caught by police with a sex worker in his car in West Hollywood in 1995. But unlike Smollett, Grant sheepishly apologized and was able to resurrect his career.
Since Smollett refuses to admit to wrongdoing, his slide into obscurity seems inevitable. Is that enough punishment?
I put the question to readers in a click poll and found that roughly a third — a plurality of nearly 350 respondents — felt that a sentence of probation and a fine would be sufficient.
Probation and a fine was my answer too, until Smollett took the witness stand and lied and lied and lied about the stunt he pulled. That’s perjury, a Class 3 felony, punishable by two to five years in prison (the disorderly conduct charges of which he was convicted are probationable Class 4 felonies that can be punishable by up to three years).
And while Smollett hasn’t been charged with perjury, the jury’s verdict is tantamount to a finding of guilt for that offense, and I now hope the judge considers it an aggravating factor at sentencing early next year. My vote is for an almost symbolically short stay behind bars — less than six months — unless he offers a full apology and pays a fine equal to all the associated costs of investigating and prosecuting this charade.
There are second acts in American life. We can be forgiving people. But we tend to offer absolution only to those who humbly ask for it after an admission of wrongdoing. Defiant offenders tend to dwell forever in ignominy (see Blagojevich, Rod).
Meanwhile, the special prosecutor in the Smollett case, Dan Webb, filed a motion Wednesday in Cook County Circuit Court asking for the public release of his August 2020 report on the conduct of Foxx’s office. That report has been kept under seal due to rules that generally keep grand jury proceedings secret, but Webb’s motion argues:
The public release of the (Office of Special Prosecutor’s) summary report is … in accordance with this court’s June 21, 2019 order, which stated that one of the reasons it was necessary to appoint a special prosecutor was to “restore the public's confidence in the integrity of our criminal justice system."
Because the OSP completed its investigation into and reached its conclusions …the full contents of the OSP summary report should be released in the interest of full disclosure to the public…
The public release of the OSP’s Summary Report will not interfere with Mr. Smollett’s right to a fair trial because the trial in that case has concluded and a verdict has been rendered.
Webb noted that his investigation found no evidence that Foxx routinely disposed of cases the way she disposed of the Smollett case, as she’d claimed, and that “decision-makers overseeing the Smollett resolution decision have not identified any new evidence they learned of between the time of (initial) indictment and dismissal of the (initial) indictment that changed their view that the evidence against Mr. Smollett was strong.”
Webb’s statement advised that his “decision to further prosecute Mr. Smollett is not evidence in and of itself that any individuals within the (Cook County state’s attorney’s office) engaged in any wrongdoing in connection with the Smollett investigation.”
I’m very eager to learn all that Webb uncovered that might better explain Foxx’s weird behavior. We’ll never be able to say “case closed” until we read that report.
View: This is parental indignation in search of a problem. Transgender and non-binary identities are real things, and people should use the restrooms where they feel most comfortable — as they have been doing all along.
Before you try to bring up Loudoun County, Virginia, where right-wing media reported that a 14-year-old girl was raped in a school bathroom by a boy wearing a skirt, let me remind you of what actually happened there:
(The victim) previously had two consensual sexual encounters with her attacker in the school bathroom. On the day of her assault, they’d agreed to meet up again. “The evidence was that the girl chose that bathroom, but her intent was to talk to him, not to engage in sexual relations,” Buta Biberaj whose office prosecuted the case, (said). The boy, however, expected sex and refused to accept the girl’s refusal. As the Washington Post reported, she testified, “He flipped me over. I was on the ground and couldn’t move and he sexually assaulted me.”
The boy was indeed wearing a skirt, but that skirt didn’t authorize him to use the girls’ bathroom. As Amanda Terkel reported in HuffPost, the school district’s trans-inclusive bathroom policies were approved … more than two months after the assault. This was not, said Biberaj, someone “identifying as transgender and going into the girls’ bathroom under the guise of that.” (New York Times)
There are issues of modesty and privacy in certain situations where gender separation has traditionally occurred that can’t be as easily brushed aside as the bathroom paranoia.
Christopher Graves, principal of LaSalle Language Academy, said during Tuesday’s online forum that the school in the Old Town Triangle neighborhood “ungendered” its bathrooms “for safety purposes” earlier this year when it welcomed some students back for in-person learning.
“Instead of ‘boys’ and ‘girls,’ we had ‘one’ and ‘two,’ so that one teacher could take all her students to one restroom and one teacher to the other,” Graves said. “What we noticed from March, April, May and June of 2021, when we did the hybrid reopening, was there were no issues. Students used the restroom. They were respectful. They followed the rules.”
One and two? For “safety purposes”? I’m not indignant, but I am confused.
As I wrote last week, certain types of crime feel as though they are now rampant in the city — carjackings and muggings in particular, but also catalytic converter thefts. And I can easily see this Bucktown initiative spreading to other areas as neighbors pool their resources to provide a visible layer of security that might at least inspire malefactors to move on to less protected streets where residents may not have the means to fund extra policing.
A document distributed by the Bucktown Neighbors Association “and reviewed by Block Club (says) the guards will be armed, but they don’t have the authority to arrest anyone.”
Responding to a question about “what exactly” guards can do if they encounter a crime being committed, the unsigned document says it’s left up to the “off-duty police officer” and “their years of training.”
Private security is several steps up from vigilantism on the staircase of civilization, and paying for it may become a routine cost of living in the city until and unless the bureaucrats and their long-term crime-reduction measures take effect.
As Austin Berg dryly noted on our Mincing Rascals podcast Wednesday, “the Bucktown Association did not hire private social workers, they hired private security.”
This pilot program is a sign that residents are running out of patience, and in the end seems likely to increase the safety gap between those with means and those without.
View: Stephanie Trussell of Lisle, a Black former Donald Trump-hating conservative who has likened Planned Parenthood to the Ku Klux Klan and promoted COVID vaccine resistance, is a fittingly unusual running mate for the daffy Bailey, a white family farmer from downstate Xenia who was tossed from a legislative session in May 2020 for refusing to wear a protective face covering.
At one point in my career — as late as 2015! — I would have enjoyed the prospect of writing about a goofball extremist running for high office, but my faith in the electorate was so shattered by Trump’s elevation to the White House that these candidacies now fill me with dread.
Bailey isn’t the kind of Republican who has won statewide in recent memory — think Jim Thompson, Jim Edgar, George Ryan, Bruce Rauner, Judy Baar Topinka, Dan Rutherford, Loleta Didrickson, Ty Fahner and Jim Ryan. Moderate in temperament if not always in policy prescriptions.
View: What happened to Anjanette Young was horrible, disgusting, humiliating and cruel. The settlement seems high to me given that she suffered no physical injuries — the city paid just $2 million to the family of a pedestrian struck and killed in 2018 by a vehicle being chased by Chicago Police because an officer smelled marijuana in the car — but I can’t find a chart online that would allow a quick comparisons of wrongs suffered and settlements paid over the years.
Settlements paid with taxpayers’ money, I might add.
Current lawyers for the city evidently felt a jury might award her quite a bit more than $2.9 million if the case went to trial. But former city Corporation Counsel Mark Flessner published a blistering op-ed in the Tribune saying Young’s suit “was not based on any legitimate legal theory.”
The mayor did not settle this case for an outrageous amount of taxpayer money because the city was legally exposed to a potentially high judgment. She used taxpayer money to jump-start her reelection campaign…. Men who served years in prison after being wrongfully convicted do not receive the kind of money that Young received for the humiliation she endured — standing naked for 16 seconds covered with nothing and then for 10 more minutes handcuffed, with an open blanket draped over her while the officers secured the home.… That settlement should have been in the range of $50,000.
Even disgruntled ex-employees sometimes make good points.
News: Pennsylvania Republican U.S. Senate hopeful Mehmet Oz, a physician, slams the Philadelphia Inquirer’s decision not to refer to him as “Dr. Oz” in campaign coverage.
View: I side with the Inky on this, as I’ve long been a crank when it comes to honorary titles. As I wrote last year when people were debating whether to call First Lady Jill Biden “Dr. Biden” to recognize her PhD in education, the use of professional titles outside of the professional context isn’t fraudulent, but it is presumptuous and potentially misleading, and it cuts against the egalitarian American spirit.
Every so often I get email from readers who identify themselves as doctors — usually medical doctors — on topics unrelated to their expertise. The implication is that their very creditable hard work and achievement in one field ought to confer extra weight to their views in other fields.
But expertise isn’t necessarily transferable. So unless Oz is offering an opinion backed by his medical education and experience (even if it’s some of the quackery he’s known to push) then the use of his status-enhancing title in the political context is gratuitous.
Our annual Songs of Good Cheer holiday sing along at the Old Town School of Folk Music drew near-capacity crowds last weekend despite the mask-wearing and vaccine requirements and Omicron-variant fears that my co-host and former Tribune colleague Mary Schmich and I worried would depress attendance.
Mary explains more about the event and the upcoming video in her post just below this. (This year we’re offering a full concert video with WGN-AM’s John Williams as the emcee; the 2020 program was a remotely recorded video viewed more than 7,000 times).
We didn’t have a reader contest this year so Mary and I each told the audience the story of our most memorable holiday gift. Here’s my script:
I want to take you back to 1965 when I was 7. Secret agents were the biggest thing in pop culture. Every year brought a new James Bond movie – “Thunderball” was the latest. “The Man from UNCLE” and “Get Smart” were hit TV shows. And the coolest toy any kid could get was the James Bond 007 Attaché Case with hidden camera, a “confidential” code book, a passport, international currency and a pop-out pistol.
It was the only item on my wish list. And I was ecstatic to find an attaché-case-shaped present under the tree.
But you know what was in that box? An attaché case! My parents had gone to an office supply store, not a toy store, and bought me an empty, black, hard-shell business-style attache case!
I have it right here and, look, the inside still smells of sadness.
Courtesy of Ken Carl Photography
I didn't hide my disappointment very well. But of course later, in the make-believe world of neighborhood secret-agent play, that case ended up being way cooler and being able to do many more things than the James Bond version ever could.
Only later did I realize that what was also in that attaché-case shaped box was the gift of imagination--something more precious than a plastic toy that does your thinking for you. Though considerably less valuable today on eBay.
Mary told the story of the first real book she received as a present at about the same age, but I will leave it to her to tell that tale at another time.
Near the conclusion of the show, I read for the audience a portion of Mary’s Christmas Day column from 25 years ago, as I always do:
For many of us, Christmas comes full of holes. A parent who died. A sibling who moved far away. A family member estranged from the family.
Someone, it seems, is always missing, someone with whom we once shared Christmas and without whom Christmas seems a shade paler than before. For years, it has been true in my family.
No matter how big or festive the assembly, some ghost is always hovering near the turkey and the tree.
But even as I lament that none of them will be with us, I know that all of them will.
We'll do what families do, plugging the holes in Christmas present with memories of Christmases come and gone, telling stories to conjure up the ghosts.
The spirits of the absent guests always remind me that Christmas is never just one Christmas.
It is the sum of all the Christmases you've known and all the people who have inhabited them.
Perhaps more than any other day, Christmas is the measure of passing time the collective clock by which we count out our lives.
It's a mutating event anchored in unchanging rituals. New characters join any family's cast--new spouses, babies, lovers--but the old cast is still clattering around in the wings.
In my family, we usually take a moment at the Christmas meal to raise a glass and say, "To those who can't be with us."
And in that moment, they are.
Along with Mary’s dynamic piano playing, she brings a warmth, an ear for the moment and a keen understanding of tradition to Songs of Good Cheer, which is a big reason why it’s such a success.
I hope those of you who’ve never been will buy a ticket for the video version and be inspired come sing with us next year. As Scott Stantis said in his introduction to Saturday night’s show, it sounds cheesy but it’s really not.
Mary Schmich: Yes, Virginia, you can sing ‘Jingle Bells’ with a mask on
Schmich posts column-like thoughts most Tuesdays on Facebook. Here is this week’s offering:
I have to be frank: We weren’t sure how many people would show up for this year’s Songs of Good Cheer, the holiday singalong Eric Zorn and I co-host with a band of phenomenal musicians.
For most of its 23 years, our series of shows at the Old Town School of Folk Music have sold out, but this year, like last year, the show was complicated by a pandemic that goes on and on. We knew that even hardcore show-goers might choose to stay away, and we respected that decision.
We, the band, worried about the virus too. Should we even do the show?
In the end, we decided yes. We became convinced it could be done safely. We also believed that people needed to connect in this way—through coming together to make music, to share music. We believed that creating connection in this way, fostering community, is a critical piece of health too.
And so with great caution, we proceeded.
Friday night, Saturday afternoon, Saturday night, Sunday. Four shows.
Program cover by Scott Stantis
To our amazement, every show was packed.
At the front door, people stood patiently in line to show proof of vaccination or a recent negative COVID test. Then for two hours, along with the band on the stage, they belted out “Jingle Bells” and “Joy to the World,” sang Hanukkah songs and “Mi Burrito Sabanero”, swayed with “Mele Kalikimaka,” laughed at Eric Zorn’s jokes and cried at “Silent Night.”
And almost as amazing? They dutifully kept their masks on.
Yes, Virginia, you can sing through a mask.
Not every mask was as nice as the one in this photo, of course.
That sparkly thing belongs to a dazzling three-year-old named Selah. We chanced into her and her family afterward at The Grafton Pub. Selah came over to say hi. (Her nana posted photos of her singing and dancing on Facebook and said it’s OK to share this.)
And now it’s over. BUT! It’s not.
This coming Sunday, the Old Town School will release a link to a special show we did on Thursday night just for video. Mollie Nye, a professional videographer, was there with her camera crew, which roamed around the hall and onto the stage, capturing the musicians, the music, the beautiful room.
So if you couldn’t make the live shows, consider the virtual one. Or give it as a gift to friends and family who couldn’t be there.
A $25 virtual ticket gets you a link to the performance, available for viewing beginning Sunday, December 19 at 3:00 PM (CDT). It comes with a downloadable songbook. The virtual performance video will be available to view as many times as you like through January 2, 2022.
In the mask-free comfort of your home or back yard, you can sing, laugh, cry and hear about Eric Zorn’s childhood Secret Agent fantasies.
Thank you to everyone who joined us in person and to all of you who will support the music and the musicians the video way. As one of our songs says, “You can’t worry when you’re singing.”
My late parents’ Colonial home will be torn down. It’s like dealing with a third death. The great Blair Kamin returns to the pages of the Tribune: “The house served as an anchor — a bastion of continuity in a tumultuous, ever-shifting world….As I packed treasures like my mother’s reddish-pink English castle china, the late-afternoon light bounced off the pond and danced on the ceilings of the hauntingly empty rooms. The wind shook the trees that had sheltered the house for so long. Their leaves fell quickly, like tears. Later, as if to offer comfort, the pair of swans materialized on the pond, where my sister and I had scattered our parents’ ashes — my mother’s, just four months before.”
Four hours of the “Best Relaxing Classical Baroque Music For Studying & Learning” is on YouTube for your streaming pleasure.
One of the funniest stories I’ve read in a long time was Taylor Lorenz’New York Times featureon the “Birds Aren’t Real” mock conspiracy theory. “In a post-truth world dominated by online conspiracy theories, young people have coalesced around the effort to thumb their nose at, fight and poke fun at misinformation. It’s Gen Z’s attempt to upend the rabbit hole with absurdism.”
Reader Jim McLean has written to say than not only did he have the James Bond 007 Attaché Case I referred to above, he also had the weirdest spy toy of all time, Sixfinger:
The Picayune Sentinel on the air: On Thursdays at 4:30 p.m., WCPT AM-820 host Joan Esposito and I chat about ideas raised in that day’s issue. The listen-live link is here.
Brian Williams’ farewell: ‘The darkness on the edge of town has spread to the main roads.’
Signing off for the final time last week on his MSNBC program “The 11th Hour,” veteran host and newsman Brian Williams had some bleak and ominous words for his viewers:
My biggest worry is for my country. The truth is, I'm not a liberal or a conservative I'm an institutionalist. I believe in this place, and in my love of country I yield to no one. But the darkness on the edge of town has spread to the main roads and highways and neighborhoods. It's now at the local bar and the bowling alley; at the school board and the grocery store. And it must be acknowledged and answered for. Grown men and women who swore an oath to our constitution — elected by their constituents, possessing the kinds of college degrees I could only dream of — have decided to join the mob and become something they are not while hoping we somehow forget who they were. They’ve decided to burn it all down with us inside. That should scare you to no end…
I thought the jury got it right in acquitting Kyle Rittenhouse — he was a mope and a wannabe who nevertheless had the right to defend himself when violently attacked during street protests in Kenosha last summer. He should be neither demonized or lionized. For Turning Points USA to feature him as hero at an event in Phoenix this weekend is predictable but vile.
Minced Words
This week’s Mincing Rascals: Austin Berg, Eric Zorn and host John Williams
This week’s episode of the Mincing Rascals podcast covers these topics:
Tornados, employers and cell phones in the workplace
Private armed security comes to Bucktown
Loyalty oaths as a part of candidate slating for Cook County Democrats
GOP gubernatorial hopeful Darren Bailey picks a running mate who is also from the far right
Mark Meadows’ defiance of congressional authority
The $2.9 million settlement for Anjanette Young
The first anniversary of COVID-19 vaccines in Chicago
This holiday season, remember that no matter what language a person speaks, what their skin color or gender identification is, or what political or religious views they hold, everyone just wants the same thing: For you to check out their podcast. -- @tammygolden
The only difference between Jim Jones and Donald Trump is that Trump woulda charged for the Kool-Aid. -- @SundaeDivine
I shot a man in Reno for excessive use of the phrase “full stop.” -- @xerxesbigboy
“A Christmas Carol” is a delightful tale about the supernatural effort it takes for a man to admit he's wrong. -- @ozzyunc
I bet all the people who named their kids Ghislaine feel terrible now. --@StevenKJohnson
Praising a god for sparing you in a natural disaster is a bit like sending a thank-you note to a killer for stabbing the family next door instead. -- @BettyBowers
I'm glad the Grinch stole Christmas. The Whos are the worst. -- @Contwixt
I'd like to know who, exactly, is rocking around their Christmas tree? Who? Maybe in front of. Maybe. But around? I'm not buying it. -- @mytmyway
I love that we shortened “rest in peace” to R.I.P. when someone dies. Like, I don’t have all day, but I do want you to have a nice time. -- @tigersgoroooar
Fact: Every rapper is Lil’ or Big, there are no medium-sized rappers. -- @shadenfreude5
Click here to vote in the poll. For instructions and guidelines regarding the poll, click here.
Today’s Tune
I don’t hesitate when asked what the best Christmas song is. Out of many worthy and beloved contenders, the lyrically magnificent and musically exuberant “Chariots,” written in the mid 1990s by British folk musician John Kirkpatrick, simply can’t be beat.
He wrote of the song, “Just when you were enjoying all that pagan imagery, here comes a full blown statement of the Christmas story. But without any disrespect to anyone’s beliefs, it is worth noting that the symbol of a baby being born in the middle of winter, bringing the promise of new life, new hope, a new start, is so potent that it crops up in Ancient Egypt, Ancient Greece, Ancient Rome, and many other non-Christian cultures. The new birth represents the return of the Unconquered Sun, the giver of life and light.”
Here is a version by Nowell Sing We Clear, featuring John Roberts and Tony Barrand:
The last verse is my favorite:
As a candle can conquer the demons of darkness
As a flame can keep frost from the deepest of cold
So a song can give hope in the depths of all danger
And a line of pure melody soar in your soul.
So sing your songs well and sing your songs sweetly
And swear that your singing it never shall cease
So the clatter of battle and drums of disaster
Be drowned in the sound of the pipes of peace
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Had to watch the six-finger commercial to the very end. The payoff was exactly as I remembered it: "Six-finger, Six-finger, man alive! How did I ever get along with five?"
Best purchase of the year? Hands down--four days in a cabin at a state park with our adult kids after we were all vaxxed. We hiked, ate, watched movies, and played games--together. After a year of seeing them only from afar, it was the best money we ever spent.
Had to watch the six-finger commercial to the very end. The payoff was exactly as I remembered it: "Six-finger, Six-finger, man alive! How did I ever get along with five?"
Best purchase of the year? Hands down--four days in a cabin at a state park with our adult kids after we were all vaxxed. We hiked, ate, watched movies, and played games--together. After a year of seeing them only from afar, it was the best money we ever spent.