Let the wild rumpus start!

Durbin's decision not to run will touch off a heated battle among Democrats to be his successor

4-24-2025 (issue No. 190)

This week:

• The battle to succeed Sen. Dick Durbin is officially on

• Last week’s winning quip

• News and Views — Hot takes, fully baked on JB Pritzker’s political future, on the age of 80 in the news and on the RTA’s $750,000 ad campaign about its financial woes

• That’s so Brandon! — Updates on the misadventures of Chicago’s maladroit mayor, including his decision to insult one of his Democratic predecessors and his interest in restarting gunshot detection technology.

• Land of Linkin’ — Where I tell readers where to go

• Squaring up the news — Where Charlie Meyerson tells readers where to go

• Mary Schmich — Channeling Donald Trump’s reaction to the death of Pope Francis

• Kids these days! — A 13-year-old fails a cultural awareness test, but understandably so

• What’s on “The Mincing Rascals” podcast this week — panel recommendations and much more

• Quotables — A collection of compelling, sometimes appalling passages I’ve encountered lately

• Quips — The winning visual jokes and this week’s contest finalists

• Good Sports — The core of college football is rotting

• Tune of the Week — “The Retirement Song” by Tom McNamee, nominated by Rick Weiland

The battle to succeed Sen. Dick Durbin is officially on

Will Gov. JB Pritzker add to the campaign madness by also declining to run for another term?

It was no real surprise Wednesday when veteran Illinois Democratic U.S. Sen Dick Durbin announced that he will not seek reelection next year to a sixth term — he’s 80, and his campaign fundraising had lagged portentously.

In alphabetical order, here are the most often mentioned Democrats who might run to succeed him:

• Former Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel, 65

• Illinois Secretary of State Alexi Giannoulias, 49

• U.S. Rep. Robin Kelly, 68

• U.S. Rep. Raja Krishnamoorthi, 51

• Illinois Lt. Gov. Juliana Stratton, 59

• U.S. Rep. Lauren Underwood, 38

Krishnamoorhti has a daunting $19.4 million campaign war chest, while Underwood’s backers are touting polling showing her the favorite, but we’re still 46 weeks from the March 17, 2026, primary. A lot can and will happen between now and then, including the entry of hopefuls not now on the radar screen. (A year out from their victories, the last two mayors of Chicago — Lori Lightfoot and Brandon Johnson — were virtual unknowns.)

In early 2024, Chicago Magazine’s Edward Robert McClelland offered a list of potential Durbin successors that did not include Emanuel but did include:

• Illinois Attorney General Kwame Raoul, 60

• U.S. Rep Nikki Budzinski, 48

• Illinois Comptroller Susana Mendoza, 52

• Illinois treasurer Michael Frerichs, 51

Only a fool would make a prediction at this point. So I’ll offer the guess that Giannoulias will win both the primary and the general election for senator. He’s already run statewide for three offices — winning the 2006 race for state treasurer and the 2022 race for secretary of state and losing the 2010 U.S. Senate race by 1.6 percentage points to Republican Mark Kirk — and has been improving driver services in his current position.

I’m not including on my list former Gov. Pat Quinn, 76, who still responds like a fire horse at the bell to vacancies in major offices. Nor am I including the inevitable perennial candidate Willie Wilson, 76, in part because he’s now a Trump-supporting former Democrat and member of the Willie Wilson Party.

I can imagine Wilson throwing in for the Republican U.S. Senate nomination next year along with:

• U.S. Rep. Darin LaHood, 56

• Former Republican gubernatorial hopeful Jeanne Ives, 60

• Illinois Republican Party Chair and 2022 losing U.S. Senate candidate Kathy Salvi, 66

• Increasingly conservative former hopeful for mayor and governor Paul Vallas, 71

Some have floated the idea that former Republican U.S. Rep Adam Kinzinger with his brave, anti-Trump bona fides, could beat a Democratic candidate in a U.S. Senate race, even though Democratic presidential nominee Kamala Harris carried Illinois by 10 percentage points last November. Though Kinzinger now lives north of Houston, Texas, he would simply have to be an “inhabitant” of Illinois on Election Day to qualify to run.

Even Democrats and independents who don’t agree with Kinzinger on many issues respect him as a person of principle. But since the Republican Party no longer seems to have any principles, he would have no chance of prevailing in the party’s primary.

Any or all of these pols might well pivot and run for governor if JB Pritzker also chooses not to run for reelection next year in order to focus full time on a run for president in 2028.

A Wall Street Journal article referenced below on Pritzker’s White House prospects quotes Bill Daley, former commerce secretary, presidential chief of staff and failed Chicago mayoral hopeful still best known in these parts as former Mayor Richard M. Daley’s brother:

Daley said he would recommend against another gubernatorial bid because a crisis or scandal can pop up at an inconvenient time. Pritzker, he said, has the financial wherewithal to do something most candidates couldn’t: Announce a presidential bid in 2026 and lock down the best available campaign staff talent.

Pritzker has been coy about his intentions and probably realizes voters would not take kindly to a candidate for governor who would likely spend the first half of his next term campaigning around the country. My (again) foolish forecast is that Pritzker will try to hang on to the governorship and continue his Hamlet act about a presidential run until after his presumptive reelection.

If not, though, we will be in for a truly wild 2026, when the 2027 Chicago mayor’s race will kick into high gear and see at least a few of the above names in the mix.

Meanwhile, even I am not enough of a fool to make a prediction about the race to succeed U.S. Rep. Jan Schakowsky, 80, if, as Politico first reported, she announces May 5 that she will retire at the end of this her 14th term.

Schakowsky posted this to social media in response to the Politico report:

Last week’s winning quip

Sometimes, you meet someone and you know from the first moment that you want to spend your whole life without them. — unknown

Here are this week’s nominees and the winner of the Tuesday visual-jokes poll. Here is the direct link to the new poll.

News & Views

News: The Wall Street Journal joins the chorus of those teasing a presidential run for Illinois Gov. J.B. Pritzker.

View: I’m skeptical. Not about Pritzker’s interest, which is palpable, but about his prospects for winning the nomination and then the White House.

Under the headline “America’s Second-Richest Elected Official Is Acting Like He Wants to Be President,” Wall Street Journal reporter John McCormick writes that our “political punch-throwing heavyset billionaire” is looking more and more like a 2028 presidential hopeful, but then ticks off some political liabilities:

Private sector jobs have been stagnant (in Illinois) since (Pritzker) took office, and a massive unfunded pension liability hangs over the state like a black cloud. Taxes are among the highest in the nation, and the state’s population has shrunk since 2020. Violent crime and struggling schools plague Chicago, a favorite target for Trump and conservatives.

Some of his accomplishments have pleased progressives:

He has supported Illinois legislation to protect abortion access, mandated paid time off for workers, raised the minimum wage to $15 for nontipped workers 18 and older, tightened gun restrictions and invested in infrastructure. He has aggressively recruited businesses, including in quantum computing, and worked to restore some order to state budgeting, helping prompt Moody’s to raise the Illinois credit rating three times during his tenure.

But isn’t the country looking for a more moderate Democrat? WGN-AM 720 host John Williams put that question to Substack superstar Heather Cox Richardson this week. Her answer:

What Americans want right now is a leader who will speak from principle. They don't have to agree with it all, but they want somebody who's going to stand up for America and stand up for the people. And those who are trying to tack to the center and be sort of wishy-washy, they're the ones that people are mad at. I actually think the people who are going to be going forward are people like (Abraham) Lincoln who are willing to say, “Listen, you may not like this … but this is what America stands for.” And they respected that.

News: The death of Pope Francis provides a reminder that cardinals over 80 can’t vote for the new pope. And in the same week comes the announcement that Sen. Dick Durbin, 80, won’t run for reelection and reports that U.S. Rep. Jan Schakowsky, also 80, also won’t run for reelection.

View: Not be ageist, but 80 seems like a reasonable age to step aside for the next generation. In 1970, Pope Paul VI set the age limit for the papal electorate. The New York Times reported then:

Pope Paul also ordered today that on reaching their 80th birthday cardinals would cease to be members of administrative departments and other permanent institutions of the Vatican.

Cardinals in charge of departments of the Roman Curia —the Vatican's administrative machinery—and of other permanent central church institutions today were “requested to submit their resignation voluntarily” when they reach 75 years of age. … Today's reform was enacted by Pope Paul through a Motu Proprio—a decree “by his own decision”—that will be known by its first two words in the Latin text, “Ingravescentem Aetatem” (“The Increasing Burden of Age”).

Pope Paul died at age 80.

Pope John Paul II wrote in 1996:

The reason for this provision is the desire not to add to the weight of such venerable age the further burden of responsibility for choosing the one who will have to lead Christ's flock in ways adapted to the needs of the times.

Reading between the lines of what sounds like a fairly patronizing explanation, I see a valid concern that cardinals of a certain age not only are less likely to be “adapted to the needs of the times” but that they are also unlikely to be around long enough to experience the consequences of the decisions of the next pope.

As one who sees 80 on the horizon — 13 years off, but still! — I feel fine about endorsing this sentiment. A mandatory retirement age for lawmakers and others with significant influence over public or institutional policy does not strike me as unfair or unreasonable.

News: The Regional Transportation Authority is spending an estimated $750,000 on an ad campaign “to encourage bus and train riders to urge legislators to come up with more funding.” (gift link)

View: I cannot say it better than state Rep. Kam Buckner did on social media:

Nothing says “we’re broke” like spending nearly $1M on ads to tell everyone you’re broke. That’s what RTA just did—radio, TV, billboards, bus shelters—all to beg Springfield for more money.

Meanwhile, riders just want the bus to show up.

I’ve fought like hell for transit funding. I believe in it. We have to do more. But I also believe in common sense. And this ain’t it. The best PR campaign is a system that runs on time. The best message is a working train. Integrity in the dollar sense means every penny possible goes to the riders, This campaign doesn’t build trust. It burns it.

Want to energize Springfield? Don’t pressure us. Impress us. Show us a plan. Show us discipline. Show us that the priority is riders—not optics. We don’t need a marketing campaign. We need a turnaround. And trust me, nothing inspires lawmakers or the public like a bus that actually comes when it says it will.

Do Better!

From Crain’s Chicago Business:

Metra, the Chicago Transit Authority, and Pace — which provide rail and bus service in the city and suburbs — face a funding shortfall or “transit cliff” of $771 million a year when federal pandemic-relief funding dries up next year. The RTA — which coordinates funding for Metra, the CTA and Pace — wants $1.5 billion to hire more staff to improve service with increased frequency.

I think more and more highly of Buckner the more I read about him. “Don’t pressure us. Impress us.” is a fabulous motto.

That’s So Brandon!

Updates on the misadventures of Chicago’s mayor

Mayor Brandon Johnson is picking a fight with former Mayor Rahm Emanuel as he prepares to head to Springfield to demand more money from the General Assembly.

Sun-Times City Hall reporter Fran Spielman speculated that Johnson was attempting “to undermine a potential political comeback” by one of of his predecessors by accusing him of “having devised and `executed’ the anti-Black, neoliberal ‘playbook’ that Johnson says is now being followed by President Donald Trump.”

Johnson’s barbs directed at Emanuel came when he was asked during his weekly City Hall news conference whether the school funding increase he plans to seek next week during a lobbying trip to Springfield would be enough to avert a stalled, $300 million, high-interest loan at the Chicago Public Schools.

Instead of answering the question directly, Johnson unleashed a tirade against Emanuel, whom he has attacked before, though never so aggressively.

The mayor said he was watching an interview with Emanuel recently and was “incredibly bothered by his temerity.” Johnson said there has been a “long, sustained movement” in Chicago to push back against the “neoliberal agenda” that Emanuel championed to “set up austere budgets” targeting African-Americans and the “public accommodations” that support them.

Johnson said, “We didn’t get here because we just happen to have a tyrant in the White House. We got here because someone gave him the script. … The shutting of schools. The firing of Black women,” and he accused Emanuel of having “immense disdain for public education and particularly Black, Brown and poor children.”

Heavily implying that former President Barack Obama’s chief of staff is a racist will certainly satisfy Emanuel’s critics, but it’s unlikely to win Johnson more friends in Springfield when he and his team go down next week to get the city’s “just due,” which he hopes will include billions to help the Bears construct a new stadium in the city.

The Tribune reported:

The mayor last visited the General Assembly in May 2024 and saw lackluster results. … The governor suggested to reporters Tuesday the mayor should have secured major financial commitments from the state months ago.

“I will say it’s April and we put our budget together in the latter half of the prior year and then present it in February. So, it’ll be hard for us to talk about things in the current budget,” Pritzker said during an unrelated event downstate.

Chicago is by far the most important city in the state, and its fiscal health is directly linked to the health and future of Illinois. Here’s hoping Johnson can make that point without throwing fellow Democrats under the bus.

So now he’s wondering if and how to replace ShotSpotter?

Sun-Times: Mayor Johnson now has to consider whether to bring ShotSpotter back to Chicago.

Under the standing headline “Brandon’s Bodies,” the crime blog CWB Chicago has now tallied 42 “incidents of people being found shot in areas previously served by ShotSpotter where the technology, had it not been dismantled, could have played a critical, helpful role.”

Johnson terminated the city’s relationship with the company that operates gunshot detection technology last September, and it’s far from clear that the 20 incidents out of 42 that resulted in fatalities would have had a different outcome had the contract remained in place, but, fatalities or not, quicker response is always better when it comes to mitigating gun injuries and apprehending shooters.

The Sun-Times outlines some of the proposals from the eight firms that have submitted proposals to the city, and the obvious question is why the Johnson administration didn’t solicit these proposals and consider the options before flipping the off switch against the wishes of many of the alders in whose wards it operated.

Land of Linkin’

• “Doors Closing” is the exquisite headline on Tal Rosenberg’s article in Chicago Magazine on the multifaceted challenges facing the CTA.

• “Larry David: My Dinner With Adolf” (gift link) is a sharp satirical takedown of HBO talk show host Bill Maher’s too-glowing account of his recent White House visit with President Donald Trump.

• Writing in Slate, microbiologist Meghan McGillin promotes yogurt masks as a cure for acne.

• “What part of ‘and justice for all’ does the Trump administration not understand?” contains my reminder to my fellow lefties to be consistent when carrying on about the necessity for due process of law.

• WCIU-TV host and “Mincing Rascals” podcast panelist Brandon Pope has launched “Screening Room,” a new Substack about film and TV. Check out “Was Season 3 of ‘White Lotus’ good? It’s a question a lot of people are asking” for a sample post.

• The Tribune’s Rick Kogan hails “The Kiss of Night,” the debut novel of local writer Mark Wukas, who turns 70 on Sunday.

• Bisnow: “The Last Picture Show? Movie Theaters Could Be Strategizing Themselves Out Of Business.” Ryan Wangman writes, “Theaters are down over 30% in foot traffic. … Operators are also battling intense headwinds driven by the increased accessibility of streaming and a generally lukewarm reception to most new movie offerings that has led to plummeting foot traffic.”

• The Sun-Times has eliminated opinion pages on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Some wags have suggested that the paper folded under pressure from the Picayune Plus and the Picayune Sentinel, which comes out on those days. But I would never make such a claim.

• CBS reported that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has ordered a TV makeup studio be installed at the Pentagon, but Hegseth called in a “totally fake story.”

• CNN: “A 5-minute charge to go 320 miles. Chinese EV battery giant CATL says its tech is even better than Tesla-killer BYD’s.” A stop along the road for gas, sustenance and digestive relief takes at least five minutes now, so if the promises of Contemporary Amperex Technology are true, this may be the game-changer for EVs that many have been waiting for.

• D’oh! Due to an editing oversight last week, I miscategorized Elizabeth Weingarten’s just-published book “How to Fall in Love with Questions — A New Way to Thrive in Times of Uncertainty.” The book is nonfiction. HarperCollins Publishers writes, “In her quest, Weingarten shares her own journey and the stories of many others, whose lives have transformed through a different, and better, relationship with uncertainty.” I am, sadly, certain of how this mistake happened. The responsible party is regretful and has slapped his own forehead.

Squaring up the news

This is a bonus supplement to the Land of Linkin’ from veteran radio, internet and newspaper journalist Charlie Meyerson. Each week, he offers a selection of intriguing links from his daily email news briefing Chicago Public Square:

■ One of Pope Francis’ last visitors was Vice President Vance—prompting a poem from Pulitzer winner Gene Weingarten.

■ Despite reports that the White House is looking to replace embarrassingly un-secure Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, CNN’s Stephen Collinson says Hegseth looks safe for now, because his removal would force Trump to admit he’d made a mistake—but that hasn’t stopped the internet from launching memes comparing Hegseth to a head of lettuce.

■ Columnist and former U.S. Labor Secretary Robert Reich: “Start preparing now for … a series of general strikes.”

■ Traveling? Wired counsels how to protect yourself from phone searches at the U.S. border.

■ The Washington Post: How to use your ancestry to get dual citizenship abroad.

■ Who’s who getting sued: Setting the stage for what CNN calls “a titanic clash,” Harvard University’s filing suit against some of the Trump administration’s top officials for withholding billions of dollars and threatening to strip the university’s tax-exempt status—ostensibly because of “antisemitism.” Read the suit—which MSNBC’s Lawrence O’Donnell calls “a thing of beauty”—here.

■ Wonkette’s Evan Hurst wants you to know “what Seth Rogen said right to Bezos’s and Zuck’s little fascist Trump-sucking faces” at an “Oscars of Science” ceremony—remarks that “cowards … edited out.”

■ A new American Lung Association report ranks Chicago’s air among the nation’s worst. You can check your air quality by ZIP code here.

■ Happy birthday, YouTube: Wednesday marked 20 years of what’s become arguably the world’s most influential video medium—beginning with this one, posted by one of two co-founders who hail from the University of Illinois.

■ Chicago-born John Mulaney’s Netflix talk show delivered what LateNighter’s Dennis Perkins dubs a “pitch-perfect tribute” to David Letterman.

■ As journalism faces unprecedented assault from the Trump administration, Chicago Public Square has joined the Press Freedom United campaign—a national community of journalists and concerned citizens sending an open letter to Congress and the White House demanding immediate action to uphold the First Amendment. We invite you to sign by Wednesday at noon for delivery May 1.

You can (and should) subscribe to Chicago Public Square free here.

Mary Schmich: A papal memorial TrumPoem

My former colleague Mary Schmich posts occasional column-like entries on Facebook. Here, reprinted with permission, is a recent offering, another of her TrumPoems written in the voice of MAGA’s dear leader:

I heard the news the Pope has died
I posted “R.I.P.”
And I am deeply sad because …
The limelight’s not on me!

He’s Page 1 in the New York Times!
He’s Page 1 in the Post!
Why, even Fox goes boo hoo hoo
And that’s what galls me most.

The world’s gone mad with compliments
They call him shrewd but sweet
Please spare me all the phony praise
He’s barely worth a tweet.

A voice for peace? A light of faith?
Build bridges, don’t build walls?
So much of what Pope Francis preached
Is crazy! It appalls!

It’s true he was a humble man-
In other words—like me!
But on some things, it must be said, 
I humbly disagree.

He stood up for the refugees
The immigrants, the poor
He talked of love and dignity—
Those words are such a bore.

He seemed to think equality 
Should be our greatest goal
Dear Lord, he had some bad ideas
I mean, God rest his soul.

And, folks, can I be honest here?
He wasn’t a good sport
He claimed that I am wrong to say
“Deport, deport, deport!”

Deporting is my fav’rite thing!
It makes me feel so strong!
I do not like the whiny wimps
Who pout that it is wrong.

AND YET…

I have to hand it to that Pope
He sure could rouse a crowd
He got the best publicity—
His fans are cheering loud.

They’re gathered in their churches and
At old St. Peter’s Square
They’re saying how he urged them to
Be gen’rous and be fair.

They say he taught compassion
Even for the foe and sinner—
But now he’s gone and I’m still here
That means that I’m the winner!

And when I die—perhaps I won’t!
My doc commends my vigor—
But if I do, I guarantee
My funeral will be bigger.

Kids these days! What do they know?

Twitter user @Mericamemed put a series of eight vintage cultural awareness questions to her 13-year-old daughter, and the girl almost got one right. Here are the questions and excerpts from her answers.:

• What are the Yellow Pages? (“Paper?”)

• What is a Rolodex? (“A piece of tape? A car?”)

• What does it mean if I say I’m going to burn a CD? (“That you love it to death?”)

• What's a collect call? (“Where a lot of people are on one line?”)

• What is Sega? (“Slang?”)

• What is dial-up? (“That sounds like a disease.”)

• What does “be kind, rewind” mean? (“Be kind and let it be?”)

• What was Blockbuster? ( “A store that sells CDs; kind of like a library, but with CDs.”)

Skeptics may wonder if this conversation was staged for video. but my guess is you’d understandably get similar answers from many 13-year-olds. The last Blockbuster Video stores — the ones that urged customers to be kind and rewind videocassettes after they were done watching them (until they switched over to DVD rentals in 2001) closed in 2014 when today’s 13-year-olds were 2. I give the girl partial credit for knowing that Blockbuster trafficked in home entertainment products.

Super-slow dial-up modems for home computers were obsolete well before these teens were born, meaning they may never have heard this sound. And I can’t remember the last time I saw the Yellow Pages — or any paper phone directories — in anyone’s kitchen.

Pocket Lint offers a list of other obsolete gadgets likely to stump today’s minors.

I wonder what questions from the 1950s would have stumped me as a young teen in the 1970s. “What are vacuum tubes?” maybe. And I wonder what stumpers today’s kids could ask those of us of a certain vintage? How about “What does ‘skibidi toilet’ mean?”

Minced Words

Brandon Pope, Austin Berg, Marj Halperin and I joined host John Williams on this week’s episode of “The Mincing Rascals” podcast. We discussed the 2026 political landscape now that Dick Durbin, Jan Schakowsky and perhaps JB Pritzker might not seek reelection. And, of course the latest with tariffs and deportation.

Panel recommendations:

• Austin: A green light for “Soul Music of Illinois,” a coffee-table book billed as “a comprehensive overview of soul music from the great state of Illinois, this 732-page, two volume set chronicles over 3200 artists, 1200 record companies, and 10,000 individual releases between the years of 1960 and 1990.”

• Eric: A green light for “Presumed Guilty,” the third and presumably final novel in author/lawyer Scott Turow’s series about the character Rusty Sabich, a series that began with the blockbuster 1987 thriller “Presumed Innocent” and picked up with “Innocent” in 2010.

• Marj: A green light for “The Horse,” a novel by Willy Vlautin “that captures the life of a journeyman musician unable to escape the tragedies of his past.”

• Brandon: A green light for “The Studio,” an Apple TV+ series starring Seth Rogen.

• John: A yellow light (caution) for “Call My Agent,” a Netflix series. “At a top Paris talent firm, agents scramble to keep their star clients happy — and their business afloat — after an unexpected crisis.”

Subscribe to the Rascals — “The podcast for people who care about Chicago” — wherever you get your podcasts. Or bookmark this page. If you’re not a podcast listener, you can hear an edited version of the show at 8 p.m. most Saturday evenings on WGN-AM 720.

Read the background bios of some regular panelists here.

Quotables

A collection of compelling, sometimes appalling passages I’ve encountered lately

Any U.S. president, any person in public office, who suggests forcibly sending American citizens to prisons in a foreign country is not just flirting with authoritarianism. They are bulldozing over the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, and the moral core of what this country stands for. — Mitch Jackson

So the guy who had to pay a $25 million fine for running a fake university is suddenly an expert on what Harvard should teach. — unknown

A person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not building bridges, in not Christian — Pope Francis in 2016

As a share of all U.S. imports, China accounts for 99% of child safety seats with detachable hard shells, 96% of pet toys, 95% of cooking appliances, 93% of children’s coloring books, 88% of microwave ovens, and more than 70% of toys for children under 12. Altogether, these imports amount to many billions of dollars of annual spending. … The country accounts for 50% or more of global processing for lithium, nickel, cobalt, and manganese, which are necessary for manufacturing batteries and other electronics. If China tightens its export controls, the U.S. could quickly see surging prices for batteries and grid storage, which would raise energy prices and significantly drive up the cost of electric vehicles. America exports more than $100 billion worth of goods to China as well. This makes China somewhat dependent on America, but it also makes some U.S. industries dependent on China. As a share of global exports, China buys 89% of America’s grain sorghum and 52% of its soybeans. It buys more than 70% of our frozen-pig-organ exports and more than 20% of our frozen beef. It buys 51% of our optical instruments for inspecting and making computer chips and 32% of our semiconductor processors. … China is a choke point on the global manufacture of some of the world’s most important metals and machines—including the very metals and machines that the U.S. needs in order to rebuild its industrial base. — Derek Thompson in the Atlantic

Beware: It's a common play for authoritarians to hone tools of oppression against unpopular populations before they roll them out against anyone they wish. — Elizabeth Shackelford.

Asking what would happen (if Trump’s Justice Department ordered the U.S. Marshals not to enforce a U.S. Supreme Court ruling) is like consulting the Monopoly rulebook for instructions about what to do if somebody flips over the board. — Quinta Jurecic in the Atlantic

They make us pledge allegiance to a nation “with liberty and justice for all,” and then they get mad when we want liberty and justice for all? — unknown

It pisses me off: Hug the flag, wrap yourself in it, and then shit on it. — U.S. Sen. Tammy Duckworth, D-Illinois

When you tell me that due process isn't important when the defendant is a piece of shit, you are already midway down the slippery slope. — Andrew Fleischman

It depresses the hell out of me that people I grew up with or am related to have turned into people that I wouldn't tell where Anne Frank was hiding. — unknown

Apparently the standard operating procedure inside (Hillary) Clinton’s secretary of state’s office was to send emails that couldn't otherwise be printed to the maid to print them out of a secure area — or from a secure area — and then hand them off. Any security professional — military, government or otherwise — would be fired on the spot for this type of conduct and criminally prosecuted for being so reckless with this kind of information. The fact that she wouldn't be held accountable for this I think blows the mind of anyone who's held our nation's secrets dear, who's had a top-secret clearance — like I have and others — who know that even one hiccup causes a problem — Current Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth in 2016 about Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email server

Everything's running like a well-oiled machine. A meat grinder, but still. — Whis_pea

The most scandalous thing about Trump’s inauguration fund isn’t the donors. The dog that hasn’t barked here is that very little of this massive haul has been spent — hardly a surprise to anyone (like me) who spent the January inaugural weekend in D.C., when most outdoor events were canceled and Trump supporters shivered in icy drizzle and snow bursts, waiting hours for two low-wattage events at the Capital One Center. This was nowhere near a $239 million production. No, this instead is maybe the largest slush fund in American political history. No one knows where most of this cash is going, and Team Trump hopes you don’t care. — Will Bunch, Philadelphia Inquirer

Quips

In Tuesday’s paid-subscriber editions, I present my favorite tweets that rely on visual humor. Subscribers then vote for their favorite. Here is the winner from this week’s contest:

The new nominees for Quip of the Week:

• Mayonnaise is the only condiment that has a nickname. — @octopuscaveman

• You're so vain, I’ll bet you think this tower of burning skulls spelling out your name is about you. — @wildethingy

• That awkward moment when you're not sure if you actually have free time or if you're just forgetting something. — @andshewasgone1

• But he was so nice on the prison phone calls. — @ash_isawitch

• Me: What's in the bag? Friend: My kid's hockey helmet. Me: When I played, we didn't have helmets. We would get our bell rung but we would be fine. Friend: Helmets are now mandatory. Me: When I played, we didn't have helmets. We would get our bell rung but we would be fine. So what's in the bag? — @WillieHandler

• When I'm in charge. people who wear slippers for shoes will be sent off to work camps where they'll use radioactive paint to make stop signs. — @Bob_Janke

• Dudes named James have so much pressure at an early age. Will they stick with the nerdy name “James,” or go by the business-casual name “Jim”? Or the sporty, outgoing “Jimmy”? Or the feminine, gentle name “Jamie”? Or be super goofy and go by “Jimbo”? — @Gregggyboy

• Scrambles are just omelets that gave up on their dreams. — @sixfootcandy

• My doctor told me my prostate was good. I was deeply touched. — @ThePunnyWorld

• (Failed movie pitch) So imagine, like, a ton of Dalmatians. Like, an absurd amount. I’m talking 30, 35 Dalmatians. — @NoahGarfinkel

Vote here and check the current results in the poll.

For instructions and guidelines regarding the poll, click here.

Why the new name for this feature? See “I’m rebranding ‘Tweet of the Week’ in a gesture of contempt for Elon Musk.”

I decided the following joke I saw online is too pointed and controversial to include with the silly quips, but I’m interested in readers’ take on it:

A Holocaust survivor died recently and went up to heaven. Upon meeting God he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. God said, “That's not funny.” To which the Jew replied, “Oh, I guess you had to be there.”

Good Sports

The core of college football ‘is rotting’

Matt Hayes, senior college football writer for USA Today, looks at the toxic combination of the collegiate transfer portal and huge name image and likeness inducements offered to players and concludes that “the core of the sport is rotting.”

The NCAA has given players the ability to move freely from school to school, just like coaches. But unlike coaches, there’s no contract buyout — or any tether whatsoever to keep players with a team. Certainly not loyalty. …

It looks like NCAA is creating opportunity for players by allowing upward mobility within the sport. You say upward mobility, I say the best players are playing for the schools that throw the most money at them — leaving a distinct class warfare between the haves who cherry pick players and have-nots who develop players and watch them walk without compensation. …

It looks like the NCAA will share billions with the players, who haven’t earned a penny in media rights revenue for decades upon decades. But they’re only really sharing about 20 percent of athletic-related university revenue.

Meanwhile, ESPN reports:

The NCAA Division I Board of Directors on Monday proposed deleting 153 longstanding rules from its handbook, a move that will allow schools to share financial benefits directly with players … Players will still be allowed to hire agents for name, image and likeness compensation purposes.

Hmm, what’s the adjective I’m looking for that describes sports in which the team pays the players? Oh, yeah: Professional.

Portal madness

Baylor men’s basketball has lost every player on its 2024-25 roster to graduation, the NBA and the transfer portal. A team fan site posted this photo recently:

@lockedonbaylor

Sox watch

After Wednesday’s loss to the Twins, the Sox are 5-19, for a winning percentage of .208.

They had a winning percentage of .253 last year, inspiring this shirt, available on Etsy

If their record is worse this year — or if the Colorado Rockies, currently playing .182 ball, set the record for futility — we’re going to need a new shirt.

Tune of the Week

I’ve been opening up Tune of the Week nominations in an effort to bring some newer sounds to the mix. I’m asking readers to use the comments area for paid subscribers or to email me to leave nominations (post-2000 releases, please!) along with YouTube links and at least a few sentences explaining why the nominated song is meaningful or delightful to you. The following nomination, “The Retirement Song,” is from Rick Weiland.

Your former cross-town colleague and my longtime guitar buddy Tom McNamee (who retired in 2021 as Sun-Times editorial page editor) has been writing, and, lately, recording, a bunch of songs. I think of them as a new genre of urban talking blues. His guitar work has gotten really good, his lyrics are poetic and his tunes are simple and evocative.

My old friend retired to set the clock back
Hopped up on a treadmill, tired of feeling fat
He took a class in Dickens to keep his mind sharp
Talked with his wife, tried to listen with his heart ....
 
My old friend retired to philosophize
Sat by the lake, the sky in his eyes 
He wrote a little poem, stuck it in a pocket
Lost it in the wash like an old bank deposit
 

Info

Eric Zorn is a former opinion columnist for the Chicago Tribune. Find a longer bio and contact information here. This issue exceeds in size the maximum length for a standard email. To read the entire issue in your browser, click on the headline link above. Paid subscribers receive each Picayune Plus in their email inbox each Tuesday, are part of our civil and productive commenting community and enjoy the sublime satisfaction of supporting this enterprise. Browse and search back issues here.

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