It's madness, I tell you, madness!
Our annual bracket tournament to choose the best quip of the past year begins this week
3-13-2025 (issue No. 184)
This week:
News and Views — Hot takes, fully baked, on Southwest Airlines’ coming baggage fees, JB Pritzker’s presidential ambitions, an overly generous settlement for a miscarriage of justice and the dismal outlook for the Chicago casino
That’s so Brandon! — Updates on the misadventures of Chicago’s maladroit mayor
Land of Linkin’ — Where I tell readers where to go
Squaring up the news — Where Charlie Meyerson tells readers where to go
Mary Schmich — A TrumPoem on the president’s purchase of a Tesla
Media notes — The news out of the Sun-Times and The Washington Post and FiveThirtyEight is not good
Quotables — A collection of compelling, sometimes appalling passages I’ve encountered lately
Quip Madness — Read the top 64 quips (formerly tweets) of the past year, then vote in the opening round of our bracket survey
Good Sports — Some suggestions on how to fix the NFL’s overtime rule
Tune of the Week — Dolly Parton’s touching musical tribute to her recently deceased husband, “If You Hadn’t Been There”
Last week’s winning quip
I have never been swimming because it’s never been more than 30 minutes since I last ate. — @stevesuckington.bsky.social
Here is the winner of the Tuesday visual-jokes poll. Here is the direct link to the Quip Madness tournament, which I explain here.
News & Views
News: Southwest Airlines is going to start charging for checked bags.
View: It seems like a bad idea, taking away the one quality that differentiated the airline from its competitors, but I’m not a business strategist. Southwest’s stock rose 9% on the news, suggesting that investors think the move — estimated to raise $1.5 billion a year — will offset any customer defections (which the carrier estimated just last year would cost them $1.8 billion a year, but now apparently estimates otherwise).
I’d like to see the airline industry think more creatively about baggage, starting with offering overhead storage bins large enough so that every passenger can carry on and stow a small wheelie suitcase and not have to fight for space. I’m also thinking there be a niche for an airline that charges less for a checked bag than most airlines now charge, but also tacks on a fee for the use of overhead storage bins, thus reflecting the true cost of hauling the extra weight.
News: Gov. JB Pritzker is scheduled to speak at a Democratic Party dinner in New Hampshire next month, furthering speculation that he’s planning a 2028 run for the presidency.
View: Keep your eye not just on the governor’s itinerary but also on his waistline. If he’s serious about a bid for the White House in three years, you’re likely to see him slimming down — as pre-indictment Jesse Jackson Jr. did when he was widely considered a mayoral hopeful — in an effort to dampen any voter prejudice against the very overweight.
I oppose body shaming and have contempt for those on the right who ridicule Pritzker’s weight (while ignoring President Donald Trump’s embonpoint), but excess poundage is a political liability.
Overweight political candidates tend to receive fewer votes than their thinner opponents, finds a new study co-authored by a Michigan State University weight-bias expert. … Both male and female candidates – whether obese or simply overweight – got a lower share of the vote total than their more slender opponents.
News: “A federal jury in Chicago awarded $120 million in damages Monday to two wrongfully convicted men who spent more than 15 years in prison, a pair who alleged they were railroaded in a bogus investigation at the hands of Chicago Police detectives and Cook County prosecutors.”
View: Way too much! Yes, it’s awful that these guys lost nearly 16 years of life locked up in prison and the official misconduct was shameful, but think of the schools, mental health clinics, and food programs that $120 million could fund. Think of the roads that could get fixed, the cops that could get hired, the jobs programs for kids that could get funded and the services for the homeless that could be enhanced with $120 million.
As WTTW-Ch. 11 reporter Heather Cherone wrote, “If the record-shattering verdict is upheld, it would be equivalent to nearly 150% of the city’s annual $82 million budget to cover the cost of police misconduct lawsuits.”
Yes, I know that freedom is priceless and the justice system must be held to account, even though the malign actors in such cases rarely pay any price at all. But this lavish brand of “fairness” is itself unfair to the hapless residents of a city where services are degraded and taxes are raised through no fault of their own. Illinois law provides for $85,350 in compensation for those who served up to five years in prison after a wrongful conviction, $170,000 for those wrongfully incarcerated for between five and 14 years, and $199,150 for those who served more than 14 years. I’d argue for more than that — say $100,000 a year — with the responsible individuals in cases of misconduct on the hook for a painful portion of that amount.
News: ‘Bally’s Chicago Doubles Down On Chinatown Shuttle Service As Casino Struggles Financially.’
View: This downtown casino project has the whiff of death about it. The temporary casino is underperforming: “According to the Illinois Gaming Board, Bally’s Chicago generated $926,000 in local tax revenue in January — a 30 percent drop from its monthly average local tax revenue in 2024,” Block Club Chicago reported.
The company’s recent earnings report was gloomy.
So Bally’s has resorted to dramatically increasing free shuttles from Chinatown, where it has found an eager customer base. But gambling is increasingly going online, and I’m increasingly skeptical that the casino will ever generate much revenue for the city.
News: “GOP lawmakers push to charge women with homicide for seeking abortions.”
View: Anyone surprised by this? Anyone? Anyone?
News: Dairy magnate Jim Oberweis, 78, is running for office again, this time for a seat in U.S. Congress in his adopted home state of Florida.
View: I guess everyone needs a hobby. Wikipedia sums up the Milk Dud’s feckless political track record as succinctly as possible:
He sought the Republican nomination for the United States Senate in 2002 and 2004, and the Republican nomination for Governor of Illinois in 2006. He was the Republican nominee for Illinois's 14th congressional district in a March 2008 special election and the November 2008 general election, losing on both occasions to Democrat Bill Foster. In 2012, Oberweis was first elected to the Illinois Senate in the 25th district. He again ran for the U.S. Senate in 2014, losing to Democratic incumbent Dick Durbin. In 2020, Oberweis ran for a third time in the 14th congressional district, this time losing to Democratic incumbent Lauren Underwood.
That’s So Brandon!
Updates on the misadventures of Chicago’s mayor.
From the Sun-Times coverage of the random shooting of a tourist this week outside a Streeterville movie theater:
“Shootings in Chicago are still very much a problem. No one’s gonna disagree with that,” (Mayor Brandon) Johnson said. “But as far as making sure that we keep our communities safe, we have to do the things that work. And what works is that we have to invest in people.”
There is “more work to be done” to get illegal guns off the streets and “hold people accountable when they do commit crimes,” Johnson said, but “I believe that by having policies in place that actually work and investing in people — that’s our pathway to continue to build a better, stronger, safer Chicago. …
“I’m mayor of the city of Chicago because of young people. ... So if there is anybody that I owe and I have to show up for, it’s for the people who know that this city is better, stronger and safer when our young people are loved and supported and invested in.”
Like others quoted in the story, I’m fine with the idea of investing in people — whatever exactly that means — as a long-term strategy, but it doesn’t begin to address the short-term problem of the rowdy flash mobs of teens that disrupt downtown. Johnson so quickly resorts to cliches and campaign slogans that he’s nearly a self-parody.
Land of Linkin’
Jonathan Martin at Politico: “Rahm Emanuel Is Gearing Up to Run for President.” He writes, “There’s not another living Democrat who hasn’t already run for president who’d better grasp every dimension of the job. In fact, this side of Leon Panetta, who’s even close? … If there’s a group who’d be more unhappy with him representing the Democratic Party than the left, it’s Republicans, who fear he’d tug his party toward the center.”
At this site you can create a map with the name of your choice on the Gulf of Mexico.
If only President Donald Trump had watched “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.” “The Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act, which — anyone ? — raised or lowered? — raised tariffs in an effort to collect more revenue for the federal government. Did it work? Anyone? Anyone know the effects? It did not work and the United States sank deeper into the Great Depression.”
Laura Washington in the Tribune: “Finding a way home is the Democrats’ dilemma.” She writes, “It is time for Democrats to stop the gnashing of teeth over Trump. Cool the rhetoric. Get with a program that is in sync with real voters. Not the people on the extreme, but the majority who reside in the belly of the curve. … A consensus must emerge on a way forward. The left-center divide only divides; it doesn’t conquer. … Democratic Party leaders must accommodate those on the left, but they can’t give into them.”
“This $830 million debt plan is Brandon Johnson’s parking meter deal” is the debut essay in Austin Berg’s new Substack, The Last Ward.
Sun-Times op-ed by Martin Gartzman, senior associate and former executive director at UChicago STEM Education at the University of Chicago: “Republican plan for 'school choice' is just a scheme for private school vouchers.”
Squaring up the news
This is a bonus supplement to the Land of Linkin’ from veteran radio, internet and newspaper journalist Charlie Meyerson. Each week, he offers a selection of intriguing links from his daily email news briefing Chicago Public Square:
■ A Justice Department lawyer fired—apparently for opposing the restoration of gun rights to actor and Donald Trump friend Mel Gibson after his 2011 domestic violence conviction—says Americans should be “terrified” over the department’s current leadership. She told MSNBC’s Chris Hayes: “What’s going on inside the Department of Justice, in terms of silencing dissent, is so frightening that I felt like I needed to share this story.”
■ 404 Media: “A contractor for … U.S. government agencies has developed a tool that lets analysts more easily pull a target individual’s publicly available data from a wide array of sites, social networks, apps and services across the web at once, including Bluesky, OnlyFans, and various Meta platforms … allowing them to map out a person’s activity, movements, and relationships.”
■ “Attacks on education, like attacks on free speech and tolerance, are attacks on Jews”: Columnist Neil Steinberg rips into the Trump administration’s withholding of $400 million in funding from Columbia University—allegedly because it’s not doing enough to fight antisemitism.
■ At least two Illinois universities have gotten Education Department warnings that they face penalties if they don’t crack down on pro-Palestinian campus protests.
■ Law professor Joyce Vance: “Columbia grad student Mahmoud Khalil’s detention means we are just a hop, skip and jump away from political persecutions.”
■ Popular Information’s Musk Watch has launched a DOGE tracker to “cut through the spin” about Elon Musk’s purported savings, and it finds his “Department of Government Efficiency” has overstated its claims by 92%.
■ The U.S. Education Department plans to cut more than half its staff—axing its leases on buildings in Chicago and other cities—reportedly including all Chicago employees.
■ CNN: “As the Office of Personnel Management oversaw the layoffs of thousands of federal workers and pressed others to justify their positions, the agency’s chief spokesperson repeatedly used her office for a side hustle: Aspiring Instagram fashion influencer.”
You can (and should) subscribe to Chicago Public Square free here.
Mary Schmich: A TrumPoem on his purchase of a Tesla
My former colleague Mary Schmich posts occasional column-like entries on Facebook. Here, reprinted with permission, is a recent offering:
I’ve bought myself a Tesla
(That’s my buddy Elon’s car)
It’s very, very manly
Just like me and Elon are!
I pimped it at the White House
Right out on the White House lawn
Oh, let my critics yammer
That I’m Elon’s witless pawn.
My Tesla’s a big winner!
And my tariffs—they’re huge too!
I’m making driving great again
While lib’rals cry boo hoo.
Don’t talk to me of Canada
Those losers eat poutine!?!
How dare those poutine-poopers whine
That me and Musk are mean?
HA HA HA! WE ARE!
If mean is what it takes to win
Then who am I to care?
Cause winning, folks, is everything
No matter what is “fair.”
I’ll cut your loans and Medicaid
I’ll crush the weak and poor
My people, don’t you understand
That that’s what power’s for?
To take and take and take and take
To steal and steal and steal
And, friends, I get to do it
Cause I’ve got the steering wheel!
I occupy the driver’s seat
And, hey, I’ve got no brakes!
The GOP won’t stop me
And reporters are all fakes.
And so I rev my engine more!
I vroom vroom vroom vroom!
I’m steering this whole country toward
The land of dread and doom.
I’m speeding toward the cliff’s edge
With the U.S.A. in tow
Don’t bore me with your wimpy cries
Of “Donald, please go slow!”
I am the king of chaos
And I’ll go my chosen speed
So buckle up your seat belts, folks
Cause, hey, you’re gonna bleed.
The road lies clear before me!
And my pockets burst with cash
I’ll rev this engine all the way
Until..NO
NO
NO….
CRASH.Now available: The final episode of “Division Street Revisited,” a seven-part podcast series hosted by Schmich that looks at the lives of some of the people Studs Terkel interviewed for his landmark 1967 oral history book “Division Street: America.”
Media notes
Exiting the Sun-Times
Sports columnist Rick Morrissey, White Sox beat writer Daryl Van Schouwen, investigative reporter Tim Novak, entertainment editor Darel Jevens, editorial board members Tom Frisbie and Marlen Garcia, and editorial page editor Lorraine Forte are among those who are leaving or will leave the Sun-Times during a troubled time when the paper is offering buyouts.
Tuesday, the union representing the newsroom posted to social media:
Seven Sun-Times Guild members have decided to take buyouts in the past six weeks — and we expect more to exit soon. Chicago Public Media told us they needed to slash $3-5 million through buyouts and other cost cuts. Today, we’re concerned management might resort to layoffs. Those seven Guild members — and more people from across the organization — will depart this month, less than a year after CPM forced out 14 people, including nine from the WBEZ union. We want this organization to stop showing its talented, experienced and dedicated workers the door. CPM said other, non-labor budget cuts could help stem the loss of talent and decades of institutional knowledge. We want management to keep that promise. As we enter a critical week, we hope CPM executives find better solutions to sustain the vital newsroom Chicago deserves.
Chicago Public Media announced a buyout offer in January:
The move could save the company from $3 million to $5 million in annual expenses, possibly representing the departure of 20 to 30 people. … (There is) a $12 million annual operating deficit at the Sun-Times, the company said.
Sun-Times columnist Neil Steinberg — the only and perhaps last general interest news columnist on staff at a major Chicago newspaper — wrote about the situation in early February:
The changes at the paper are due, not to ideological malice, but survival math. You can’t pay employees with money you don’t have. People must go. The past 20 years of journalism have been the longest game of musical chairs ever. Another chair is yanked away, “Pop Goes the Weasel” drones again, and some poor soul’s rump can’t find a chair when the music abruptly stops. Rinse, repeat.
I’m a fan as well as a friend of Steinberg’s and hope he decides to stay and that the paper decides to keep him when the inevitable layoffs occur (there is no way the names listed above earn even close to the minimum target total of $3 million). He has not publicly announced his decision, but the deadline for accepting buyout offers is this Sunday, and interested readers should keep their eyes on Steinberg’s blog, “Every goddamn day.”
THURSDAY MORNING ONLINE UPDATE:
On his blog this morning, Steinberg posted “While I've decided not to take the buy-out — I think, having until Sunday at 5 p.m. to change my mind — I'm not 100 percent confident I won't be canned anyway.”
And a source at the paper tells me the number of those taking the buyout is now up to 21 since that post from the newsroom union.
Local media coverage in this town has become incredibly weak since the retirement of veteran media columnist/blogger Robert Feder, who would have been all over this story as he was all over the Tribune buyout story in 2021.
Disney has pulled the plug on FiveThirtyEight
Poynter reports that cuts at Disney-owned ABC News “include shutting down FiveThirtyEight, the political and data-driven news site known for its focus on election polling and predictions. It employed 15 staffers.”
Thus ends a site launched in 2008 by (former Chicagoan) Nate Silver, best known for its near-perfect prediction of Barack Obama’s victory in that year’s presidential election. (The site was correct in 49 of 50 states and nailed every senate race that year.)
Silver took FiveThirtyEight to The New York Times in 2010. The site, which also included sports content, moved over to ESPN in 2013 and then was moved under ABC News in 2018. Silver left his role as the top editor in 2023.
I enjoyed the site’s granular reporting on polls and its chatty political podcast. I hate to see it go.
Another one hits the door at The Washington Post
Veteran columnist Ruth Marcus, 66, became the latest high-profile journalist to leave The Washington Post. In a New Yorker essay published Wednesday she wrote:
I stayed until I no longer could—until the newspaper’s owner, Jeff Bezos, issued an edict that the Post’s opinion offerings would henceforth concentrate on the twin pillars of “personal liberties and free markets,” and, even more worrisome, that “viewpoints opposing those pillars will be left to be published by others.” I stayed until the Post’s publisher, Will Lewis, killed a column I filed last week expressing my disagreement with this new direction. …
The columnists were deeply wounded by the newly announced limits and what they portended. We had always been able to assure our readers that no one restricted what we could write. How could we credibly make that claim now? What was the meaning of “personal liberties and free markets?” Without further clarification, we were like dogs that had been fitted with shock collars but had no clue where the invisible fence was situated.
The column that the Post editors spiked read, in part:
Narrowing the range of acceptable opinions is an unwise course, one that disserves and underestimates our readers. … The better approach — the one we’ve always taken — is to have an array of views, helping readers formulate their own. Read George Will and Megan McArdle on regulation, then Catherine Rampell and Eugene Robinson. You decide. …
We columnists owe (readers) our best judgments on any particular issue. We ask them to trust that that is what we provide; that we aren’t being told how to think or what to say, or trimming our sails to stay out of dangerous waters. But, once the changes are implemented, I fear that readers will no longer be able to rely on such assurances, because Bezos, as I read his message, has told them they can’t. He won’t publish views that don’t conform to his principles. If that is somehow a misreading of the missive, please tell us. If not, The New York Times columnist David Brooks put it well on “PBS NewsHour” on Friday: “Jeff Bezos, when he says … we’re going to have an opinion section in the Washington Post that does not brook dissent, that’s just not journalism.” …
My job is supposed to be to tell you what I think, not what Jeff Bezos thinks I should think.
Union effort afoot at WFMT-FM
From a news release:
The content creators at WFMT, Chicago’s internationally renowned classical radio station, have announced their intent to organize with SAG-AFTRA, the union representing professionals in the entertainment and media industries. The group is requesting voluntary recognition from WFMT management to begin the collective bargaining process.
Minced Words
Cate Plys, Marj Halperin and I joined host John Williams on this week’s episode of “The Mincing Rascals” podcast. We talked about the five-year anniversary of the COVID pandemic and had some spirited disagreements. We also mulled over what to do about dangerous teen “trends” downtown, fur farming and, inevitably, what to make of the latest from President Donald Trump.
Traffic lights:
John: A yellow light for the Netflix documentary “With love, Meghan.”
Marj: A green light for the Chicago iteration of “Flyover,” a virtual drone ride through the city that you can take at Navy Pier.
Cate: A green light for Roald Dahl’s novella "The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar" but a yellow light for the film version.
Eric: A yellow light for the hit Netflix series “Running Point,” which lacks the charm of “Ted Lasso,” though it seems to be shooting for a similar vibe.
Subscribe to us wherever you get your podcasts. Or bookmark this page. If you’re not a podcast listener, you can hear an edited version of the show at 8 p.m. most Saturday evenings on WGN-AM 720.
Quotables
A collection of compelling, sometimes appalling passages I’ve encountered lately
This week, ICE arrested Mahmoud Khalil, a valid green card holder, citing his leading pro-Palestinians protests at Columbia. The given reason was to combat antisemitism. The actual result is to begin acclimating the public to the idea of people being arrested for what they say. Label their speech antisemitisim — or treason, or dangerous — and snap on the cuffs. Legal residents now, American citizens later. It could be me next, for writing columns such as this one. Or you, for reading them. — Neil Steinberg
Donald Trump doing a Tesla infomercial for Elon Musk—his biggest political donor—in front of the White House is peak corruption. — Republicans Against Trump
The fundamental weakness of Western civilization is empathy. … (Democrats are) exploiting a bug in Western civilization, which is the empathy response. — Elon Musk
(Elon) Musk claims Social Security is a "gigantic magnet to attract illegal immigrants." In fact, immigrants here illegally do not collect Social Security. But they pay $25.7 billion a year into it, a recent study found, so these undocumented workers are actually subsidizing Americans. — Peter Baker, The New York Times
Shame on us if we allow Ukraine to lose to Russia. Putin won’t stop at Kyiv. It is just a stop on the rail and road to Warsaw and the Baltics. How the f* did Russia become the good guy? Putin is a punk who can’t be allowed to invade with impunity. — Geraldo Rivera
We’re going to take in hundreds of billions of dollars in tariffs and we’re going to become so rich, you’re not going to know where to spend all that money, I’m telling you. You just watch. — Donald Trump
If you’re cheering on a billionaire South African sociopath while he eliminates the firefighters, scientists, doctors, park rangers and meteorologists who keep us all safe, then cut the “America First” shit. — unknown
They want you so worried about men transitioning to women that you won’t notice the USA transitioning into the USSR — unknown
Elon Musk is “putting it on the line” in order to help our Nation, and he is doing a FANTASTIC JOB! But the Radical Left Lunatics, as they often do, are trying to illegally and collusively boycott Tesla, one of the World’s great automakers, and Elon’s “baby,” in order to attack and do harm to Elon, and everything he stands for. — Donald Trump
Quip Madness begins!
Every year as high school and college basketball commence their March Madness playoffs, the Picayune Sentinel conducts a bracket poll pitting the winners of the weekly contest (plus a few favorites to round out the field) against one another in a tournament that will conclude just before the NCAA finals in early April.
The round of 32 brackets will appear in the Picayune Plus on Tuesday as well as the first round in the visual jokes playoffs. If you want to be sure to receive the Plus and salve your conscience at the same time, become a supporter!
Anyway, here are the matchups in the round of 64 — go here right now to vote as you read them:
I’m really mad about how fast my life went from MySpace to MyChart — unknown
vs.
Podcasts are like babies, they're too easy to create and not everyone should have one. — @marknorm
A recent study found that six of the seven dwarves aren’t happy. — unknown
vs.
Do you think the Wise Men ever hung out again, having beers like, “Haha, remember when we saw that baby?” — @carterhambley
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now. — @Ruth_A_Buzzi
vs.
I saw a book titled “Astrology For Dummies” and thought “Exactly!” — @RickAaron
I always love it when people say “baby steps!” to imply that they're being tentative, when actually, baby steps are a great unbalanced, wholehearted, enthusiastic lurch into the unknown. — @OliveFSmith
vs.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” … airlines — @DanWilbur
Not to brag, but I've been told I'm a fine one to talk. — @ddsmidt
vs.
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ping in the kitchen where it was charging, so I went to check it, The text was from my wife. She’d written, "Bring me a drink on your way back.” — @dadgivesjokes
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them. — unknown
vs.
I still say “roll up the window” for God’s sake, don’t expect me to quit calling this place Twitter anytime soon. — @ddsmidt
If my wife doesn't win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it's going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever. — @RodLacroix
vs.
I asked the hotel for a wake up call and they told me my skinny jeans and red parka make me look like a lollipop. — @benedictsred
I wish there were a complement to the MacArthur genius grants, where a foundation would come and take away your money for being an idiot. — @baconmeteor
vs.
Me: Why is it so hard to build a bear-proof trashcan? Park Ranger: Because there is considerable overlap between the smartest bears and the dumbest people. — @cliffetters
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation. — @BattyMclain
vs.
If humanity is so smart, how come it took 6,000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase? — @nikalamity
When you’re dressed all in black and someone asks, “Whose funeral is it?” looking around and saying, “I haven’t decided yet” is typically a good response. — @woofknight
vs.
I finished last in an origami contest because I refused to fold under pressure. — @badbanana
I’ve asked tons of people what LGBTQIA+ stands for and no one’s given me a straight answer. — unknown
vs.
Church is the worst book club ever. We've been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven't even read it. — @POOPSCRUFFIN4U
“Can I get two boxes of Sudafed?” “Sorry, by law you can only buy one at a time.” “Okay then just the one box of Sudafed and these 7 guns.” — @TheNardvark
vs.
The label said, "Do not iron." Like that was ever going to happen. — @julie2288
I asked my wife what women really want and she said , “attentive lovers.” Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening. — @KenJennings
vs.
When someone says “I expected more of you,” I’m always like, “Well who’s fault is that?” — @joeljeffrey
I come from a family of failed magicians. I have two half sisters. — @ThePunnyWorld
vs.
I don't usually think about what I say before I say it. I prefer to think about it after I've said it, late at night, for the rest of my life. — unknown
I asked my Grandma which walker she preferred to use. She said Johnnie. — @Dadsaysjokes
vs.
Hey, remember in first grade when we were all just chilling and then some kid would throw up out of nowhere? — @LorazeKim
Who started calling the Tesla Cybertrucks “Deploreans?” I owe you a drink. — @franklinleonard
vs.
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?” “I can’t say I do.” — unknown
In England "booster shot" is spelled "borchestershire shot. “ — @BobGolen
vs.
I’m sorry, but you can’t *always* be experiencing a higher volume of calls than average. That’s not how averages work. — @Kit_Yates_Maths
Sometimes I think about the guy at my poker table in Vegas who the pit boss thought was too drunk. Security came over, and asked him to say the alphabet starting with “M.” He replied: “Malphabet.” He was escorted out of the room. — @timjhogan
vs.
It's the order of mankind's accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage. — @WilliamAder
Always answer the door wearing a coat. If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home. If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out. — @BigBearF1
vs.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on. — @thedad
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read. — @BobGolen
vs.
Doctor: You have a disease. Me: Oh no! Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise. Me: Oh no! — @Kica333
Prank idea: Give every person access to all the information in the world without teaching them to discern what's true. — @InternetHippo
vs.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent. — @wildethingy
It’s officially “surprise in your coat pocket from last winter” season. — @JonHansenTalks
vs.
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and not a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help. — @mauriceb3rd
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow, this changes everything.” — unknown
vs.
Shortly after the birth of Jesus, Joseph went out for a pack of cigarettes and isn't mentioned again in the Bible. — @WilliamAder
I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I'm the one with the money. — @Dadsaysjokes
vs.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there is a very good chance that they will see you later. — unknown
My current wife says she doesn’t like my use of adjectives. — @tobestewart
vs.
I love the look on people's faces as they stand freezing at the bus stop while I drive past them. It's partly why I became a bus driver. — @NicolaJSwinney
If you enjoy interacting with people who have strong opinions and minimal life experiences, may I recommend parenthood? — @MedusaOusa
vs.
The worst part about parallel parking are the witnesses. — @audri_em
I told my dad I ran out of alcohol and didn't have any money to buy any for the weekend. So he gave me the huge bottle of vodka from the cupboard that I’d replaced with water when I was 16. Life really does come back to bite you in the ass. — @Lizbeth_Ellen
vs.
Pluto is no longer a planet. It is now part of America. — @JoePontillo
I have never been swimming because it’s never been more than 30 minutes since I last ate. — @stevesuckington.bsky.social
vs.
As an adult, I have made peace with the idea that my parents must have had sex, but as an only child, I am comforted by the fact that it was just the one time. — @uncleduke1969.bsky.social
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and, honestly, there’s no difference. — @PopeAwesomeXIII
vs.
I would have renamed the Gulf of Mexico Sea Señor. — @BobGolen
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying "Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here." — @GraniteDhuine
vs.
“Bake me a cake as fast as you can” is an unhinged thing to say to someone. — @carpeangela
Dentist: "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen." Patient: "I heard you the first time. You didn't have to say it twice." Dentist: "I didn't. That was my echo." — @dadgivesjokes
vs.
If you send me all of your old home movies on VHS tape, I will transfer them to a landfill and free you from the prison of your past. — @citizenkawala
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that's the last time I go to TMI Friday's. — @Writepop
vs.
When I say “I hate drama,” I mean I hate being involved in drama. Other people’s drama? Big fan. — @chabcharu
Again, go here to vote in each matchup.
Quips
In Tuesday’s paid-subscriber editions, I present my favorite tweets that rely on visual humor. Subscribers then vote for their favorite. Here is the winner from this week’s contest:
Why the new name for this feature? See “I’m rebranding ‘Tweet of the Week’ in a gesture of contempt for Elon Musk.”
Good Sports
Reader “Fred” has a suggestion:
In regard to NFL overtime, they should pick a side of the field, doesn’t matter which one, and just go back and forth with the one-play, two-point conversion attempt until one team makes it and the other doesn’t. Should not allow the tush-push for this play. Overtimes would be short and it would be exciting for us fans.
I disagree. I think the college overtime rule is close to perfect — each team gets a chance to score from the 25 yard-line. I would disallow field goals and require two-point conversions after all touchdowns so as to minimize the advantage conferred on the team that loses the coin flip and has to go second.
Tune of the Week
Superstar singer Dolly Parton’s husband of nearly 60 years, Carl Dean, died March 3, and three days later, Parton released a touching song about the importance of his support for her career over the years:
I wouldn’t be here
If you hadn’t been there
Holding my hand
Showing you care
You made me dream
More than I dared
And I wouldn’t be here
If you hadn’t been thereOn Instagram, Parton, 79, wrote:
I fell in love with Carl Dean when I was 18 years old. We have spent 60 precious and meaningful years together. Like all great love stories, they never end. They live on in memory and song. He will always be the star of my life story.
Dean, a retired asphalt contractor who was 82 when he died, was rarely photographed and did not grant interviews. NPR reported:
He inspired her 1973 hit "Jolene." In the honky-tonk, heartbreak anthem, Parton begs a red-headed, green-eyed woman not to take her man. In real life, Parton told NPR that the song was inspired by a bank teller who paid Dean a little too much attention.
There is an undeniable truth behind the lyrics. Few of us could be who we became without the support and love of those around us.
I’ve been opening up Tune of the Week nominations in an effort to bring some newer sounds to the mix. I’m asking readers to use the comments area for paid subscribers or to email me to leave nominations (post-2000 releases, please!) along with YouTube links and at least a few sentences explaining why the nominated song is meaningful or delightful to you.
Info
Eric Zorn is a former opinion columnist for the Chicago Tribune. Find a longer bio and contact information here. This issue exceeds in size the maximum length for a standard email. To read the entire issue in your browser, click on the headline link above. Paid subscribers receive each Picayune Plus in their email inbox each Tuesday, are part of our civil and productive commenting community and enjoy the sublime satisfaction of supporting this enterprise. Browse and search back issues here.
Contact
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Thanks for reading!
Politico hack: "If there’s a group who’d be more unhappy with him representing the Democratic Party than the left, it’s Republicans, who fear he’d tug his party toward the center.” Sloppy journalists and MAGA types have come to believe their fantasy that The Democratic Party is left-wing. What utter bilge. It is a solidly centrist party opposed by a fascist-adjacent party that was right-wing before trump and has become fully authoritarian, economically unhinged, fundamentalist Christian, and blood and soil nationalist.
Republicans actually love when Democrats take a "centrist" position. They then claim that is the "far left extreme" as they push even harder to the right.
Or at least that was their modus operandi before Trump. Now they just gaslight everything - tariffs aren't a tax on consumers, the economy is tanking because of Biden, etc.
The only way I see us coming to our senses is for those who voted for Trump to finally see the damage that vote is causing, to themselves as well as to others. I don't know how to reconcile with someone who isn't capable of acknowledging the consequences they've wrought, and efforts to undo that damage can't begin as long as so many people continue to delude themselves.