In dramatic times, the comedy tournaments must go on!
Quip Madness continues with the round of 32 written jokes and the first playoff round of visual jokes
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Tuesdays at 11:30 a.m. I talk with WGN-AM 720 host John Williams about what’s making news and likely to be grist for the PS mill. The WGN listen-live link is here.
Quip Madness: The visual jokes, round one, part one
Below are five heats pitting the winners of the weekly visual jokes poll from the past year against one another. Select your favorite in each heat. There will be five more heats next Tuesday, and the winners will advance to the next round. Last year’s tournament winner is posted here.
HEAT ONE
HEAT TWO
HEAT THREE
HEAT FOUR
HEAT FIVE
Next Tuesday will be the second round. Become a paid subscriber to be sure to get it in your mailbox!
Quip Madness, the Round of 32
Today we pit the winners of the Quip Madness round of 64 against one another as the bracket tournament continues. CLICK HERE TO VOTE
My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said, “Wow, that’s an amazing car.” He replied, “If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year” — @weekdayjokes
vs.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking.” Apparently, the correct terms are “cremation” and “burial.” — @ThePunnyWorld
I feel like a lot of the Winter Olympic events started out as dares that got out of hand.— @TwinzerDad
vs.
Every year for as long as I can remember, I received a Valentine’s card from a secret admirer, and I was disappointed that I didn’t get one this year. First my grandma dies, and now this. — @MissAlly_01
I’m not saying I’m old, but we made ashtrays for our parents in art class. — @__Kimberly1
vs.
Sometimes when you meet someone, you know from the first moment that you want to spend your whole life without them. — unknown
That awkward moment when you’re not sure if you actually have free time or if you’re just forgetting something. — @andshewasgone1
vs.
If you lose your khakis in Ohio it means you can’t find your pants, but if you lose your khakis in Boston it means you can’t start your car. — unknown
To all the people who said I wouldn’t accomplish anything because I procrastinate too much: Just you wait. — @ThePunnyWorld
vs.
What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet? I asked my 10 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either. — unknown
My wife is furious at our neighbor who sunbathes naked in her backyard. Personally, I’m on the fence. — @ThePunnyWorld
vs.
Yesterday my internet was down. I noticed a woman sitting on the sofa in the family room. I spoke to her for a while and she seemed very nice. — @WillieHandler
The wage gap isn’t real. Men just tend to go for higher paying jobs, like doctor, engineer and CEO. Whereas women go for lower paying jobs like female doctor, female engineer and female CEO — unknown
vs.
The first wheel was invented in 3500 B.C., and somehow they put that wheel on my shopping cart. — @UncleBob56
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house. Me: Can we please change the subject? My wife: OK. More chores around the house need to be done by you. — @ThePunnyWorld
vs.
I lost three fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said: “Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it” — unknown
When one door closes, another one opens. Other than that, it’s a pretty good car. — unknown
vs.
My wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked, “Does this make my butt look big?” I texted back “Nooooo!” My phone autocorrected my response to “Mooooo!” Please send help. — @mariana057
I’m getting stronger with age. I can now lift $100 worth of groceries with one hand. — unknown
vs.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting: 1) You ate free food. 2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent. 3) You left with no assigned action items. — @wheeltod.bsky.social
Operation Rough Rider, Operation Midnight Hammer. Operation Southern Spear. Why are all of Pete Hegseth’s military operations named after brands of dildos? – @mrsbettybowers.bsky.social
vs.
You know you’re getting old when you and the grocery store have the same playlist. -- @MoMohler
The person who invented the ferris wheel never met the person who invented the merry go round. They traveled in different circles. — unknown
vs.
Are we there yet? I’m hungry. How much further? I need the toilet. Do you want to play I Spy? Can I smell the frankincense again? I’m really tired. Shall I sing another song? Are we nearly there yet? … The Fourth Wise Man whose body was never found. — @TheWriterType
Dance like no one is watching. Because they aren’t. They’re looking at their phones. — @jackboot.bsky.social
vs.
The gall of Alvin to name his band “Alvin and the Chipmunks.” As if he’s not a fucking chipmunk too. — @stevesuckington.bsky.social
Cars these days have too many gadgets. I tried to put my car into reverse and it played a video of someone being run over. – unknown
vs.
Every love song is just one verse shy of being a murder ballad. — @WilliamAder
I have more photos of my dog trying on his snow boots than my parents have of my entire childhood. — @CooperLawrence
vs.
Wife: I told you not to watch this show without me. It says three episodes have been watched. Me [thinking fast]: I’m having an affair. My girlfriend watched them, not me. Wife: You’d better not be lying. — @johnlyon.bsky.social
Next time you get a call from an unknown number, answer it by whispering, “It’s done. But there’s blood everywhere.” — @deelomas.bsky.social
vs.
Susan B. Anthony is actually the perfect drag name. — @Cactuscali1991
CLICK HERE TO VOTE — on Thursday we’ll have the round of 16
Notes and comments from readers — lightly edited — along with my responses
All hat, no decorum
David Leitschuh — I’m in agreement with you that Trump wearing headgear during the transfer of the fallen soldiers remains was a breach of protocol. The enormity of this breach is in the eyes of the beholder, and obviously your fixed mindset about Trump made it an egregious breach in your eyes.
In stark contrast is your minimization of Biden’s actions during the return of fallen soldiers from the botched Afghanistan withdrawal. You reference Biden looking at his watch, but an analysis by USA Today documents that Biden looked at his watch a minimum of three times during the transfer. Either he was in a hurry to get to the ice cream shop, or he kept forgetting that he had already looked at the time. Again, the gravity of this breach of protocol is in the eyes of the beholder, and you are very quick to dismiss it. Just trying to help you see your filters on this.
And just to really make your day, did you see the NBC News poll that just came out? While it reflects that Trump has a negative net favorability rating, Trump’s favorability is 5 points better than Kamala Harris, 6 points better than Gavin Newsom and 10 points better than the Democratic Party. There is always ample room for disagreement with Trump’s policies, and he unarguably makes it very easy for people to take a personal dislike to him. But I believe the poll reflects that simply hating on Trump isn’t an effective way to sway moderate or independent voters.
Zorn — The point was not that I was so aghast at Trump’s breach of protocol, but that it was a stark, powerful reminder that he clearly has no one around him who can tell him no. Biden may have had somewhere to be or the transfer might have been delayed and, yes, checking one’s watch is often not a good look. But I doubt he had advisers afraid to tell him it was a bad look and he should be careful.
Trump is a boor and an oaf with frightening aspirations to suppress dissent and undermine democracy. You seem to be among the 40% or of the public who is willing to countenance that. But I will point out that this poll you cite is a bit of an outlier. Quoting Nate Silver, whose averages have him at 40.9% approval:
Trump’s net approval rating in our average is -13.9. For context, he started out the month at -13.5, not exactly a massive change. Trump is less popular than he was at this point in his first term (-12.5) and less popular than Joe Biden in the same period (-9.3). He’s also less popular than Barack Obama was at the same point in his second term (-7.9).
Approval on immigration is 42.4%, on the economy 38.5%, on trade 37.1% and on handling inflation 33.3%. Voters are perpetually disgruntled and seem always to want change, which is why, barring some stunning turnarounds or election fuckery, Trump and his party are going to get walloped in the midterms.
Oliver love
John Houck — Green light to John Oliver’s report on the devastation wrought by the DOGE cuts to USAID. He also highlights how people like Marco Rubio used to understand how providing humanitarian aid around the world was a crucial part of American leadership, before being subsumed by the cult of Trump. I would actually give John Oliver a green light every week.
Zorn — That show is stunningly good.
Conor —Green light for “The Power Broker” the Pulitzer Prize winning biography by Robert Caro. It’s so much more than just the story of the life of Robert Moses. It talks of power, city building, politicians of the era, and journalism. Its long, but incredible. The writing is just superb.
Zorn — Been on my list forever.
Linguistically correct
Cate Plys — Regarding your quotable selection —Why do Americans insist on saying “Eye-ran” and “Eye-raq,” yet they have no trouble saying “Italy” — I take issue with anybody unhappy with any American pronunciation of anybody's or any country's name. We are speaking American English, names included, and other languages pronounce people and places names with their own accents. It's OK. There was a great SNL skit on that in 1997 when Jimmy Smits was hosting and the characters became more and more extravagant in their Spanish pronunciation of names and words.
Zorn — That sketch was brilliant.
Vanity press
Rick Weiland — Regarding Neil Steinberg’s complaint about the SunTimes calling itself “The hardest working paper in America,” I commented on his blog (which you should subscribe to, by the way) that at least it wasn’t calling itself the “World’s Greatest Newspaper” as another nearby journal used to do.
Zorn — Fair enough, but the Tribune got humility on Jan. 1, 1977, when it dropped the slogan “World’s Greatest Newspaper.” That boast, which is where the WGN radio and TV stations got their call letters when the Tribune owned them, was acknowledged to be embarrassingly inaccurate.
Why do we have to wait so long for election returns?
Melinda Abney Kaiser — You wrote, “I have never understood why it takes so long in the digital age for election returns to come in. I would think 90% of precincts could report within 10 minutes of the final votes being cast.”
I’m an election judge, and we have a number of processes we have to follow before we transmit our vote tallies to the county. We do, however, generally transmit our totals within 30 minutes of closing the polls. Used to be an hour, but equipment improvements have made it
somuch easier. The totals aren’t “officialish” until the paper ballots and SD card from the scanner are delivered to the county as well (usually within 90 minutes of closing the polls).Some precincts will have problems leading to delays — equipment failures, inability to get a signal to transmit the results (we had this issue sometimes when our precinct was in a basement), and, occasionally, inexperience of election judges. My team is tight and we’re out of there pretty quick :-)
Then the mail-in ballots have to be tallied and the provisional ballots “cured” to be counted. Voters have a week to go downtown and “cure” the reason their ballot was provisional. (I assume the number who actually do that is pretty low, but not zero.)
Unpopular opinions?
I’m not a fan of the “sweetheart table,” where the newlywed couple at their wedding reception dinner sits at their own, private table for two. They will have literally thousands of meals together in the years ahead, so why, with a room full of people who love them and whom they may not see very often, would they isolate themselves rather than share in the merriment and festivities at a head table?
This topic is hotly and frequently debated online, with the pro-SHT faction arguing that it allows for some quiet, intimate time with your new spouse on a day that is otherwise intensely crazy; that it makes it easier for guests to approach the couple to chat and offer best wishes not conferred in the receiving line; that it makes it easier to allow the members of the wedding party to sit with their plus ones, and that it offers a chance for extra fancy decorations and pretty photos.
Those with me in the anti-SHT caucus say it looks anti-social, even stand-offish, and actually discourages interaction with the newlyweds. Some brides and grooms reported being so self-conscious about isolating themselves that they barely sat down to eat. I’m for head tables during the meal, where the couple can dine with those nearest and dearest to them, followed by the traditional visiting from table to table throughout the room.
Last week’s result
This would seem to be good news for WGN-Ch. 9, which recently shifted to a solo-anchor format. I received more letters than unusual, however, complaining that I didn’t get more options, such as “it depends on the anchor team” and “I don’t care.”
For the record, though, not voting is an “I don’t care” vote, in effect. And since turnout was comparatively light on this question — more than 150 fewer votes than on last week’s question about renaming something in the city for Jesse Jackson — I’ll read that as indifference.
Speaking of turnout, the best way to signal to our elected leaders that you’re not paying attention and don’t particularly care what the hell they do is to not show up at the polls for today’s primary election.
Mark K. — For local morning news I do prefer anchor teams, I think the longer and more lighthearted format is more amenable to a little light banter between the co-anchors and their sports and traffic and weather colleagues. The WGN morning news team has pulled this off spectacularly for so many years now.
Zorn — I’ll take your word for it. The last thing I want to do in the morning is watch TV.
Phillip Seeberg — I’m for single anchors for national news, anchor teams for local news. So I didn’t vote in the poll.
NewsWheel
Inspired by the WordWheel puzzle in the Monday-Friday Chicago Tribune and other papers, this puzzle asks you to identify the missing letter that will make a word or words — possibly proper nouns; reading either clockwise or counterclockwise — related to a story in the news or other current event. The solution at the bottom of the newsletter includes a link to a related, explanatory news story.
Last year’s winner of the best visual jokes tournament
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Info
Eric Zorn is a former opinion columnist for the Chicago Tribune. Find a longer bio and contact information here. This issue exceeds in size the maximum length for a standard email. To read the entire issue in your browser, click on the headline link above. Paid subscribers receive each Picayune Plus in their email inbox each Tuesday, are part of our civil and productive commenting community and enjoy the sublime satisfaction of supporting this enterprise.
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I once heard a baseball announcer of Italian descent stop a caller to his show after a couple of egregious EYEtalians. He calmly and firmly corrected the pronunciation and I never forgot the deliberate adjustment of respect. It made such an impression on me that I vowed to do the same myself for the rest of my life. Getting a name right is a basic courtesy. Intentionally flubbing it is a crude show of ignoranusmy.
On "Eye-ran" and "Newscum" etc. Mispronouncing names (of people, places, companies, etc.) is a moronic form of jeering at them. No wonder the Moron-in-Chief employs it frequently.