Hunter and Jessie and Jussie! Oh my!
The return of men we never wanted to hear from from again
7-24-2025 (issue No. 203)
This week:
Punt! — An weird and uncharacteristically wishy-washy Tribune editorial shrugs at whether it’s a good idea to return the felonious Jesse Jackson Jr. to Congress
News and Views — Hot takes, fully baked on Jussie Smollett’s latest astonishing claim, on Hunter Biden’s hissy fit and more.
That’s so Brandon! — Updates on the misadventures of Chicago’s maladroit mayor, who plans to send social workers to do a cop’s job on the CTA
Land of Linkin’ — Where I tell readers where to go
Squaring up the news — Where Charlie Meyerson tells readers where to go
Cate Plys: Is it time to start electing alders who have already learned their lesson?
Media notes — Trib mum on rumored shake-up in the ranks of critics; asking for your vote on columnist spats.
Quotables — A collection of compelling, sometimes appalling passages I’ve encountered lately, including the alphabet of Trump
Quips — The winning visual jokes and this week’s contest finalists
Green Light — Hot dog! Those who remember the old TV show “Hot Dog” will revel in the process videos available online
Last week’s winning quip
Yesterday my internet was down. I noticed a woman sitting on the sofa in the family room. I spoke to her for a while and she seemed very nice. — @WillieHandler
Here are this week’s nominees and the winner of the Tuesday visual-jokes poll. Here is the direct link to the new poll.
One of the weirdest editorials I’ve seen in a long time
Under the headline “On Jesse Jackson Jr. and second chances,” the Tribune Editorial Board on Sunday weighed in on Jesse Jackson Jr.’s likely run for the U.S. House seat from which he resigned in 2012 as a federal probe was closing in on his flagrant misuse of campaign funds.
The editorial alluded to “a terrible mistake” but didn’t outline the duration of the illegal grift that Jackson and his wife engaged in and to which he pleaded guilty in 2013. It was no momentary lapse in judgment — a rash act in the heat of passion or an oopsie. So let’s look at the U.S. attorney’s news release at the time outlining seven years of gaudy criminality:
Former Congressman Jesse L. Jackson, Jr., 47, pled guilty today to conspiring to defraud his re-election campaigns of about $750,000 in funds that were used to pay for a range of personal items and expenses, including jewelry, fur capes and parkas, high-end electronics, celebrity memorabilia, furniture, kitchen appliances, and a home renovation project. … Among other items, he must forfeit a mink cashmere cape; a mink reversible parka; a guitar signed by pop legend Michael Jackson; and various memorabilia associated with historic figures and various celebrities. …
In July 2007, for example, he withdrew $43,350 in Campaign funds to purchase … a men’s gold-plated Rolex watch … (The Jacksons used campaign funds to) purchase merchandise and services that were personal in nature, including high-end electronic items; a washer, a dryer, a range and refrigerator; collector’s items; clothing, food and supplies; movie tickets; health club dues; personal travel, including a holistic retreat, and personal dining expenses. … Approximately 3,100 purchases that were personal in nature:
Restaurants, nightclubs, and lounges, approximately $60,857.
Airfare, approximately $31,700.
Sports clubs and lounges, including gym membership, approximately $31,700.
Tobacco shops, approximately $17,163.
Alcohol, approximately $5,814.
Dry cleaning, approximately $14,513.
Grocery stores, approximately $8,046.
Drug stores, approximately $6,095. …
The Jacksons took steps from 2005 until 2012 to ensure that materially false and misleading reports were filed with government entities. These reports were filed with the FEC and the House of Representatives.
Jackson spent 16 months in federal prison, and the Tribune editorial frets that Presidents Biden and Trump have denied him a pardon similar to those granted to “thousands of other convicted felons who’ve already paid their debts to society and struggle to find work because of their criminal records … even after Jackson took full responsibility and did his time.”
Pardons are insidious and overused — they in effect erase crimes by saying they didn’t happen, that the convicted people did nothing wrong, which is plainly not the case here, just as it was plainly not the case with many of the J6 rioters. Full pardons are appropriate when laws or mores change — when marijuana laws are relaxed, for example — or when new evidence suggesting innocence is discovered.
The editorial rightly points out that having a criminal record makes it difficult for former convicts to move on:
Our system of justice is supposed to mean that people can start fresh after they’ve faced the consequences of their criminal actions and paid the price. All too frequently, that’s not the case. A criminal record haunts people for the remainder of their lives, impeding employment opportunities and other means of pursuing a productive future.
If that’s the problem, then pardons/expungements should be granted to all criminal convicts upon the completion of their sentences, not simply doled out to those with connections or those who flatter those with pardon powers. Or laws should be changed to forbid prospective employers from inquiring about criminal records or otherwise discriminating against those with criminal pasts.
We don’t do that, though, because experience has taught us that past actions can be indicative of future performance. Accounting firms are probably wise not to hire those who have recently served time for embezzlement. Police departments are probably wise not to hire those fresh out of prison on murder and assault charges. School districts ought to know if a prospective teacher was once convicted of sex crimes against children. And so on.
The editorial board’s argument for making a special case for Jackson is weak and seems to minimize his flagrant and sustained corrupt acts while assuming he’s fully reformed.
He has a job, after all — afternoon radio talk show host — so he’s not been reduced to begging for handouts at stoplights. But should we take a stand and say that a politician who was so corrupt for so long should never be returned to office?
That’s where this polemic gets weird:
Should Jackson decide to run for Congress again, we believe it ought to be up to the voters of the 2nd District to decide whether his past transgressions make him unfit to return. Not Democratic Party regulars. Not social media. Not journalists like us. Voters.
Quite a sentiment from an editorial board that has long presumed to use the institutional voice of the Tribune tell voters what to do in the form of endorsements; from an editorial board that will almost certainly offer an endorsement in the 2nd U.S. Congressional District next year.
(The paper no longer endorses for president, governor or U.S. Senate under an edict from its owners).
A blanket “we believe it ought to be up to the voters” policy, buttressed by comprehensive news articles and contrasting op-eds, would be a welcome change if it applied to every political race. I doubt the above sanctimonious passage heralds such a shift, but if it does, then I withdraw the adjective “weirdest” in my headline above and beg leave to replace it with “most auspicious.”
News & Views
News: “Jussie Smollett Claims Netflix Doc Footage Will Show Attack Wasn't Staged.”
View: Dammit! I was hoping never to feel inspired to mention Smollett’s name again in this esteemed, serious publication (see “Good riddance at long last to Jussie Smollett” from May 29), but I feel I must be given the foul odor of this claim.
The documentary (“The Truth About Jussie Smollett?” debuting Augn 22) includes previously unreleased footage of the 2019 incident obtained by investigative journalists through the Freedom of Information Act, Smollett said. He wanted the footage included as evidence in his original 2021 trial, but said it was obtained too late by his legal team. …
“(The footage) was brought to my lawyers a couple days before we started trial and they were like, ‘Yeah, we already got our defense, so it’s too late to bring that in, we can’t do anything about it,’” Smollett said. “They did not go with the truth. They went with defending against the lies.”
If the footage truly was exculpatory, Smollett’s attorneys were grossly negligent in not seeking to have it introduced at trial. And Smollett has been strangely reticent about it since his conviction in December 2021 for felony disorderly conduct for staging a hate crime attack on himself in early 2019.
In all his bleating about his innocence, Smollett, whose conviction was overturned last year, never mentioned the video that he now says “corroborates every single thing that I’ve said for the last almost seven years.”
Block Club reports:
Fox, HBO Max and Discovery have all released documentaries about Smollett’s legal battles. The upcoming Netflix documentary is the first in which he’s participated and given an interview.
I’m expecting to be underwhelmed by the “previously unreleased footage,” but I’ll keep an open mind and revisit this sordid topic at least one more time.
News: Hunter Biden lashes out at prominent Democrats for failing to support his father last year.
View: Hunter needs to shut up and go away. His sleazy “consulting” gig with a Ukrainian oil company, drug use, carelessness with his laptop computer and other hinky activities hurt his father, former President Joe Biden, more than the George Clooney op-ed he complained about in a recent three-hour YouTube interview.
What right do you have to step on a man who’s given 52 years of his fucking life to the services of this country and decide that you, George Clooney, are going to take out basically a full page ad in the fucking New York Times to undermine the president? … Fuck him! Fuck him and fuck everybody around him.
The younger Biden blasted top Democrats and operatives for casting doubt on his father’s cognitive abilities and said his father “did the most selfless thing that I know of any politician in the history of this fucking country did. He stepped aside to save the party.”
Yeah, but before that, Joe Biden did one of the most selfish things a politician has ever done, which was to mount a reelection bid when it was clear he was not up to serving another four years and his poll numbers were abysmal. We’ll never know if a Democratic candidate who emerged from an open primary process would have beaten Donald Trump in November, but those who were agitating publicly and privately for Biden to exit the race before he did so with just about 100 days until the election weren’t wrong.
News: “Pastors who endorse political candidates shouldn’t lose tax-exempt status, IRS says in filing.”
View: In the past, I’ve supported the prohibition on not-for-profits endorsing candidates, but if the reins are going to come off, they should come off for all not-for-profits, not just churches.
News: Chicago cop gets a 90-day suspension for testing positive for marijuana use.
View: Let’s get over the reefer madness, shall we? Police officers should not be substance-impaired while on the job, obviously, but since alcohol use when off-duty is permitted, so should the use of marijuana, which has been legal in Illinois since 2020. Trace evidence of marijuana use can show up in drug tests for weeks after a person uses it, according to WebMD. This is long after the intoxicating effects wear off.
People use pot and derivatives for fun, to relieve pain or as a sleep aid. From the Sun-Times:
Officers who use cannabis are no longer violating a law they swore to uphold,” the board wrote. “In addition, because of legalization there is less risk that officers who use cannabis will become involved with a person or enterprise engaged in the illegal sale, delivery, or manufacture of drugs. Nevertheless, CPD’s policy of prohibiting cannabis use continues to be justified, and officers who violate this policy are subject to significant discipline, up to and including discharge.
Discharge? C’mon.
That’s So Brandon!
Updates on the misadventures of Chicago’s mayor
Law & Order, Social Workers Unit
Mayor Brandon Johnson is so frustrated with smoking on the CTA that he announced a plan Tuesday that “will include placing social workers at CTA stops, starting an anti-smoking campaign on the ‘detrimental effects of smoking’ and tasking city agencies to find other short-term and long-term interventions ‘to end smoking on our transit system.’”
The Tribune reported that Johnson “took a more cautious approach when asked if his crackdown would include more arrests and citations. The city issued over 6,300 smoking tickets on the CTA in 2023, he said.”
Yeah, well double that, your honor, increase the fines and start banning repeat offenders from CTA trains and buses — hard to do, sure, but social workers and anti-smoking campaigns aren’t going to deter the selfish churls who light up in closed spaces.
Five predictions
I usually do predictions at the turn of the year, but I have few here for you:
Despite all the bluster from the White House, Republicans in Congress and the MAGA puppets in the U.S. Department of Justices, criminal charges will not be filed against Fed Chair Jerome Powell, former President Barack Obama, U.S. Sen. Adam Schiff, D-Calif., or any of the other figures about whom President Donald Trump has been raging splenetically in an apparent effort to distract attention from concerns about his regime’s failure to offer up the Jeffrey Epstein files.
Similarly, Congress, the courts and the DOJ will take no action in the wake of ongoing hearings into former President Joe Biden’s use of the autopen on pardons issued near the end of his term earlier this year.
Ghislaine Maxwell, Jeffrey Epstein’s imprisoned former girlfriend, will soon receive a presidential pardon or a sentence commutation from President Donald Trump. He will exhibit his mercy toward her after she offers Congress and/or the Department of Justice information that exonerates Trump and perhaps implicates top Democrats in the sex trafficking scandals related to Epstein. Read between the lines of this statement from Maxwell’s lawyer: “We are grateful to President Trump for his commitment to uncovering the truth in this case.”
None of the material in the Epstein files that has yet to come out will seriously damage Trump. President Pussygrabber’s reputation as a lecherous creeper is baked in to his support, and given that the Democrats had access to the materials when Joe Biden was president, it’s unlikely that the files contain anything implicating Trump in a crime. And if there is such material, Trump will dismiss it as fake, and his backers will accept it eagerly. Columnist S.E. Cupp here underscores why this prediction is true.
Trump’s $20 billion lawsuit against The Wall Street Journal will never even get to the deposition. He’s suing the Rupert Murdoch-owned publication for reporting on the suggestive birthday note he allegedly wrote to Epstein in 2003 that featured a drawing of a nude woman and the words “may every day be another wonderful secret.” But you just know that the Journal lawyered this story up and down before publication, and that there’s no way in hell Trump wants to speak under oath about Epstein.
Land of Linkin’
Tracking Project 2025 — “A comprehensive, community-driven initiative to track the implementation of Project 2025's policy proposals." It’s currently showing the set of mostly toxic initiatives are 46% completed.
The UnPopulist argues that Bari Weiss’ online publication Free Press has made a “passage into the dark side” and become merely “a more artful and less shrill version of the anti-woke alarmism that permeates the right-wing media ecosystem” because “Weiss has assembled a dependable stable of writers ever eager to prove that the left is a far greater threat than MAGA authoritarianism.”
Tribune contributing columnist Laura Washington takes an early look at the 2027 race for mayor of Chicago. Her “wild card” candidate is former Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan, a politician whom I, too, came to admire. But the Madigan brand has been so damaged by the conviction of her father, former Illinois House Speaker Michael Madigan, on federal corruption charges that I doubt such a candidacy would gain traction.
My wife, Johanna, will be joined by fellow co-founder of Third Coast International Audio Festival Julie Shapiro — on stage together for the first time in over a decade — to share captivating audio stories next Thursday, July 31, 7p.m., at Sleeping Village, 3734 W. Belmont. The program is presented by the Chicago Audiomakers Collective and features Julie's latest artistic endeavor Audio Flux, which invites producers and audio fans alike to make short audio gems in response to a set of prompts. And yes, they'll talk about how the world of podcasting has evolved and where creative storytelling fits into the current landscape. Get your tix. I’ll be there, I hope you will too!
“Colbert is getting bounced, but he'll bounce back” from Tuesday’s Picayune Plus. “Colbert is a singular entertainer, and there remain dozens of platforms outside of CBS — streaming and cable — that might snatch him up starting next May. Even assuming the claims about the perilous decline in post-prime time viewership are accurate, we should expect a bidding war for Colbert’s talents.”
Should public tax money go directly to private schools? This question is never far from the top of the list of things we fight about. I took on a voucher proponent in an online debate 25 years ago, and all the arguments still apply on both sides.
Sun Times: “We're tracking grocery prices around Chicago since Trump took office. They're up and likely to keep rising.” Tribune: “The Tribune is tracking 11 everyday costs for Americans — eggs, milk, bread, bananas, oranges, tomatoes, chicken, ground beef, gasoline, electricity and natural gas — and how they are changing (or not) under the second Trump administration.”
Andy Shaw: “An ounce of experience is worth a pound of competence: Why neophyte mayors need steady hands on the wheel.” He writes: “ I spent four decades covering Chicago politics, and I know one thing for sure: Competence trumps charisma. A city is not a college campus where you can endlessly debate systems of oppression. It’s a living, breathing organism that needs to be fed, housed, policed, cleaned, and financed. That takes pros. Not poets.”
“Introducing adoptastation.org. The process of ‘adopting’ a station is easy: First, donate (or up your donation) to your local public media station. Then, the site will automatically recommend a station that’s losing 50% or more of its revenue (due to federal funding cuts) to ‘adopt.’ Afterwards, congratulations! You’ve adopted a station.”
Does even a poorly attended protest rally or march help the cause? I said no, but so far, click voters are disagreeing with me. Weigh in!
Squaring up the news
This is a bonus supplement to the Land of Linkin’ from veteran radio, internet and newspaper journalist Charlie Meyerson. Each week, he offers a selection of intriguing links from his daily email news briefing Chicago Public Square:
■ The American Prospect: “Home insurance executives are raking it in—at your expense. Performance-based pay packages incentivize claim denials.”
■ A Venezuelan mother of three whose husband has been deported from Chicago after three months in 10 different detention centers tells WBEZ she’s given up and now awaits news of a government flight taking her home.
■ Coca-Cola’s announcement that it’ll add a cane sugar version of its regular stuff to its lineup this fall—a seeming concession to Trump—has Illinois producers of corn and high-fructose corn syrup on edge.
■ Music, man: So when it came time for late night hosts to respond to CBS’ cancellation of Stephen Colbert’s show, music played a central role as Colbert recruited Weird Al Yankovic and “Normal Lin-Manuel Miranda” for a segment parodying that Coldplay concert scandal and featuring cameos from his colleagues/competitors Jimmy Fallon, Seth Meyers, John Oliver and Jon Stewart.
■ But Stewart took the cake with his longest “Daily Show” ever, climaxing in an un-bleeped, profanity-laced gospel choir song-and-dance routine aimed in part at his and Colbert’s Paramount corporate bosses, a bit for which the show sought and got an upgrade of its broadcast rating—to TV-MA.
■ Then Colbert directed those same words at President Trump.
■ After Trump threatened that Jimmies Kimmel and Fallon are “next to go,” Kimmel struck back.
■ Rising to the challenge of Trump defenders who contend a note The Wall Street Journal says he wrote to convicted pedophile Jeffrey Epstein doesn’t read like Trump’s work, Popular Information begs to differ—and has the receipts.
■ CNN’s uncovered video and photos confirming for the first time that Epstein attended Trump’s 1993 wedding to Marla Maples.
■ Trump’s fantasized on his Truth Social platform about tossing Barack Obama in jail—as his administration takes steps that could lead to just that.
■ Investigative reporter Ken Klippenstein: Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has issued new “grooming standards”—banning eyelash extensions and offering government-funded laser hair removal procedures.
■ USA Today’s Rex Huppke: “Taco Bell’s new drinks violate Trump’s English-only directive.”
■ City Cast Chicago reviews area’s roster of shopping malls that endure.
You can (and should) subscribe to Chicago Public Square free here.
Cate Plys: There is no shame in Walter Burnett’s game
Chicago journalist and historian Cate Plys — a member of the “Mincing Rascals” podcast team — goes deep in her Substack “Roseland, Chicago: 1972.” Here’s the latest from her:
People are obsessed with retiring Ald. Walter Burnett’s plan to toss his elected public office to one of his kids, like the keys to an old family car. .
“Go ahead, I don’t need it anymore,” you can almost hear him saying as he dangles the 27th Ward seat in front of his son Walter Burnett III. “My pension is maxed out.”
Well, Chicago’s political nepo babies are famously legion. As Mike Royko wrote in “Boss”: “A Chicago Rip Van Winkle could awaken to the political news columns and, reading the names, think that time had stood still.”
But I understand the disgust. Burnett’s family employment agency is a brazen middle finger to democracy. When he first revealed his retirement plan to Crain’s Chicago Business on July 3, he hadn’t even decided which kid would sit in his cushy seat in City Council chambers. He quipped that he might have his two sons box for it.
There is no shame in Burnett’s game, though there should be.
Still, his sudden departure from City Council interests me for an entirely different reason. The unique case of Walter Burnett suggests a potential solution for an even more shameful Chicago political tradition: The steady march of aldermen from City Hall to prison.
When former 14th Ward Ald. Ed Burke went down in 2023 for bribery and attempted extortion, he became by some counts the 40th alderman convicted since 1973. So how is it possible that a veteran like Walter Burnett, in a ward full of hungry developers, could announce his retirement and then clear out of City Hall in less than a month…but nobody expects he’ll be right back downtown next week facing a federal indictment?
It’s a fair question in Chicago. Remember, at 61, Burnett is practically a toddler in political years. More damning: Though we know Burnett hopes to snag the CHA’s top job, he specifically told Block Club Chicago that the main reason he’s leaving is because his wife wants him at home.
She must have one hell of an urgent honey-do list.
Burnett could not have been more clear when he spoke to Block Club’s Melody Mercado:
“My wife told me she’s been at home by herself for 30 years,” said Burnett. “She said, ‘You put in your time. Now, come home.’”
Walter Burnett says he wants to spend time with his family. And we all know what that means.
Except this time, apparently, it doesn’t.
It’s real political mystery. Burnett’s career is a minefield of temptation and bad influences — the unsavory politicians with whom he’s spent three decades. So I pondered a long time over how Burnett could avoid wearing a wire in order to walk free in his golden years. And I finally hit on the answer.
What do all Chicago’s convicted aldermen have in common? They each entered City Council with clean arrest records. Burke was even a cop.
And maybe that’s where we’ve been going wrong.
Walter Burnett is the first and only alderman who arrived at City Hall a convicted felon. Thirty years later, he’s leaving without any indication that he’ll be seeing the inside of a courtroom again. Perhaps, then, rather than elect candidates who haven’t had any run-ins with the law, we should choose people who’ve learned their lesson.
We know the name of Chicago’s most freshly convicted alderman—at least for now—is Edward Burke. Jump down the Chicago History Rabbit Hole here to discover who holds the title of First Convicted Alderman.
Media notes
The New York Times shakes up its culture coverage. Is the Tribune next?
New York Times TV critic Margaret Lyons, pop music critic Jon Pareles, theater critic Jesse Green and classical music critic Zach Woolfe will get “new roles” at the Gray Lady for unspecified reasons, according to numerous news outlets.
The oddly vague memo to staff suggested they will be replaced:
Our readers are hungry for trusted guides to help them make sense of this complicated landscape, not only through traditional reviews but also with essays, new story forms, videos and experimentation with other platforms. … It is important to bring different perspectives to core disciplines as we help our coverage expand beyond the traditional review.
Just what this means is anyone’s guess. Meanwhile, I’ve heard from multiple sources that the Tribune will soon be cutting certain high-profile critics, even as news reports say Alden Global Capital, the hedge fund that owns the Trib and many other papers, is in talks to purchase the Dallas Morning News
The editors to whom I wrote seeking confirmation about the fate of the critics did not reply, of course. Meanwhile, the threat of imminent layoffs continues to loom over the newsroom according to union representatives.
Columnist spat!
Sun-Times Sky beat writer Alissa Hirsh last week posted “An open letter to Scoop Jackson and everyone saying the WNBA wasn’t ready,” a pointed rejoinder to her fellow sports columnist Robert “Scoop” Jackson’s July 12 essay, “WNBA clearly wasn’t ready for downpour of drama,” and I was there for it.
There’s a double standard running through all this. Another dark undertone. … But here’s the thing about undertones: They say more about the people whispering them than the ones being whispered about. So next time you stop by on your discourse tour, I just have one little request: Instead of simply listing what players and fans are saying, how about asking yourself how this all makes you feel? Like, really, on a deeper level: How does the WNBA’s ascent make you feel?
Jackson has yet to respond in print, but interplay and debate between opinion writers at a newspaper is refreshing yet rarely countenanced. Editors usually seem to feel that the illusion of collegiality is better for a publication than pointed public wrangles.
The fate of plain old TV
Here’s David Dayen, executive editor of The American Prospect, musing about CBS/Paramount’s decision to end “Late Night with Stephen Colbert”:
The financial turbulence in Hollywood extends well beyond the narrow time slot between 11:30 p.m. and 1:30 a.m. on three broadcast networks. It’s about the rest of the schedule as well. Television as we have known it for more than 75 years in America affirmatively is going extinct, and practically nobody has reckoned with the implications of that. … Of the top 68 highest-rated single programs on all television in 2024, broadcast or cable, 65 were sporting events. … Only two scripted shows, CBS’s “Tracker” and “Young Sheldon” (which ended last year), made the top 100. … There were 105 million households with cable in 2010 and 68.7 million today, a 34.5 percent drop in a decade and a half at a time when households increased by 12.4 percent. Not even half of American homes subscribe to cable, satellite, or a virtual cable service like YouTube TV, and more people watched streaming content than broadcast and cable combined for the first time ever in May.
If it weren’t for sports, I’d dump Dish Network in a heartbeat. And as more and more games are moving to streaming platforms, the idea gets more and more tempting.
Google’s AI Overviews are dealing new punishing blows to publishers
Last year, Google introduced “AI Overviews,” a feature that displays an artificial intelligence-generated result summary at the top of many Google search pages. ...
(A Pew study found that) users who encountered an AI summary clicked on a traditional search result link in 8% of all visits. Those who did not encounter an AI summary clicked on a search result nearly twice as often (15% of visits). …Google users are more likely to end their browsing session entirely after visiting a search page with an AI summary (26%) than on pages without a summary (16%).
Quotables
A collection of compelling, sometimes appalling passages I’ve encountered lately
Trump has always been an asshole, a boor, a charlatan — pejoratives for every letter — and the clip of him partying with Epstein says everything about who he is and always has been. A degenerate. An extremist. A felon. A grifter. A hoodlum. An imbecile. A jerk. A killer. A loser. A malefactor. A narcissist. An oaf. A pervert. A quisling. A racist. A sadist. A traitor. A user. A vulgarian. A windbag. A xenophobe. A yob. A zero. — Paul Slansky
If a career prosecutor can be fired without reason, fear may seep into the decisions of those who remain. Do not let that happen. Fear is the tool of a tyrant. — Maurene Comey
Just for clarification, MAGA: Democrats don’t give a shit if Bill Clinton (or any other democrat) is in the Epstein Files. Arrest them and hold them accountable. Democrats are not the same as you. We don’t fly Clinton Flags, We don’t wear Clinton hats that were made in Fucking China. And we sure as hell don’t get Clinton tattoos. We’re not in a fucking cult. — Travis Matthew
That birthday letter I sent to Jeffrey Dahmer saying "I will always remember the delightful meals we had together"? People shouldn't read too much into that. There's an innocent explanation. — Jeet Heer
In 2016, Donald Trump even vowed to eliminate the national debt by 2024 — only to increase it by nearly $8 trillion during his (first) term — Thomas Kahn, Democratic staff director of the House Budget Committee from 1997 to 2016
It is revealing of the morally weakened position Israel now inhabits that it cannot survive the principle of political equality. … If Israel becomes a right-wing ethnostate, and if opposition to that state is antisemitic, then Jews will become mascots for a politics that would have made the Jewish diaspora unthinkable. — Ezra Klein, New York Times
I wasted time, and now doth time waste me. — William Shakespeare (hat tip to Neil Steinberg)
Quips
In Tuesday’s paid-subscriber editions, I present my favorite tweets that rely on visual humor. Subscribers then vote for their favorite. Here is the winner from this week’s contest:
The new nominees for Quip of the Week:
I swing open every door as fast as I can and yell “Aha!” One day, I will be right. — @jakevig.bsky.social
I lost my job as a bridge troll because my riddles were “weirdly personal” and “Why are your ankles like that?” isn’t a riddle. — @TheAndrewNadeau
Garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move. — @uncleduke1969.bsky.social
In alcohol’s defense, I’ve done some equally stupid things while completely sober. — @GraniteDhuine
The hardest part of clown college was studying for the driver's test. We really had to cram. — @SamSkoronski
I listen to a toddler babble away for about 10 minutes, and when he is finally done I lean in real close, look him directly in the eye and whisper, “You seem to live in a world without reason and logic.” — @SunshineJarboly
Instead of ordering anvils why doesn't Wile E Coyote just order food? — @Bob_Janke
Tattoo Artist: Are you sure you don't want me to remove the whole tat? Me: No, just the “2” at the end. Tattoo Artist: So you want it to say just “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”? — @viktorwinetrout.bsky.social
Stages of any long term project: 1. I have plenty of time. 2. Oh shit. —@mommajessiec
What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish? — Jessica Schiffman
Vote here and check the current results in the poll.
For instructions and guidelines regarding the poll, click here.
Why “quips”? See “I’m rebranding ‘Tweet of the Week’ in a gesture of contempt for Elon Musk.” Also, I’m finding good stuff on BlueSky now as well.
Minced Words
Austin Berg, Marj Halperin and I joined host John Williams on this week’s episode of “The Mincing Rascals” podcast. We discussed CBS/Paramount’s move to cut ties with late night host Stephen Colbert; the kiss cam story; police officers who use marijuana and much more.
Traffic lights:
John gives a preemptive red light to the upcoming Netflix documentary “The Truth About Jussie Smollett?”
Austin green-lights the book “Empires of Light: Edison, Tesla, Westinghouse, and the Race to Electrify the World” by Jill Jonnes.
Marj green-lights the two-part HBO documentary “Pee-wee as Himself” that chronicles the life and strange times of actor Paul Reubens.
My green light is below.
Subscribe to us wherever you get your podcasts. Or bookmark this page. If you’re not a podcast listener, you can hear an edited version of the show at 8 p.m. most Saturday evenings on WGN-AM 720.
Read the background bios of some regular panelists here.
Good Sports
Brandon Pope: “WNBA Players Earn What?? 5 Mind-blowing Numbers Relevant to the WNBA Contract Fight.”
I wrote about the WNBA money situation in Tuesday’s Picayune Plus and linked it to the distress over State Farm’s 27% hike in homeowner’s insurance in Illinois. In short, Pope is right to say “the ladies of the league are long overdue for a raise,” but maybe not as big a raise as they’d like.
The road to rock bottom?
Rather than remind you each week of the various records for MLB futility that 2025 Colorado Rockies are chasing, I have created this permanent link that explains the table below.
Put another way, if the Rockies — currently 26-76 (.254) — go 13-47 (.217) or better down the stretch, they will avoid having the worst winning percentage in modern MLB history, a record now held by the 1916 Philadelphia A’s. If the Rockies go 16-44 (.267) or better, they will avoid having the most losses in an MLB season, a record set by the White Sox last year. The team is 4-2 since the All-Star break.
Green Light
Green Light features recommendations from me and readers not only of songs — as in the former Tune of the Week post — but also of TV shows, streaming movies, books, podcasts and other diversions that can be enjoyed at home — i.e., no restaurants, plays, theatrical films, tourist sites and so on. Email me your nominations, and please include a paragraph or two of explanation and background along with helpful links, perhaps including excerpts from reviews or background articles. For TV shows, please include links to trailers/previews on YouTube and advice on where to stream them.
You have to be of a certain (advanced) age to remember “Hot Dog,” the short-lived Saturday morning kids’ show that took viewers behind the factory scenes to answer such questions as:
How do they get toothpaste in the tube?
How do they make a baseball glove?
How do they make bicycles?
How do they make bowling balls?
How do they make bubblegum?
How do they make T-shirts?
It launched in 1970, lasted only one season — 13 episodes — but entranced me. I had “Hot Dog” flashbacks recently when coming across a genre of YouTube videos that seem to fall under the rubric of "mind-blowing machines.”
Here’s just one example:
I have to fight the urge to sit slack-jawed in front of these videos, marveling at the ingenuity and engineering prowess involved.
Too many of them are shot in portrait rather than landscape mode — better for viewing on phones, I guess — but a Google search will give you scores of options. Here’s one more that fascinated me:
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Eric Zorn is a former opinion columnist for the Chicago Tribune. Find a longer bio and contact information here. This issue exceeds in size the maximum length for a standard email. To read the entire issue in your browser, click on the headline link above. Paid subscribers receive each Picayune Plus in their email inbox each Tuesday, are part of our civil and productive commenting community and enjoy the sublime satisfaction of supporting this enterprise. Browse and search back issues here.
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Thanks for reading!
The change in Vance's comments over time demonstrates that the longer Christians associate with Trump the more they become like him. Sigh!
The comment by Andy Shaw — “That takes pros. Not poets.” — was quite clever.
And to paraphrase that sentiment, when it comes to the city council it seems it takes cons, not pros.