Here's hoping I'm wrong about Mayor-elect Brandon Johnson

It's time to give him a clean slate and fair chance at leading the city through challenging times

4-6-2023 (issue No. 82)

Eric Zorn is a former opinion columnist for the Chicago Tribune. Find a longer bio and contact information here. This issue exceeds in size the maximum length for a standard email. To read the entire issue in your browser, click on the headline link above.

This week

• Mayoral election review

• I voted and yet I didn’t

• Two shining moments — The Tweet Madness winners

• The epic concession speech in the Wisconsin Supreme Court race

• News and Views

• Land of Linkin’ — Where I tell readers where to go

• Mary Schmich — A brand new TrumPoem

• “The Mincing Rascals” preview — This week, Alice Yin from the Tribune joined the panel

• Re:Tweets — Featuring a plea to Elon Musk, a visual tweet that I won’t put in the poll and this week’s admirable crop of finalists

• Tune of the Week — Nancy Nall Derringer nominates a Shadow Show song

I was right about one thing:

The result of Tuesday’s mayoral election was clear by 9 p.m., just two hours after the polls closed. It was not going to be a squeaker that would see us waiting for days as mail-in ballots were tallied, as some were predicting. Though the vote was close, it was not too close to call by 9 p.m., as I predicted in Tuesday morning’s Picayune Plus. The percentages and trends were undeniable, media hesitancy aside (The Associated Press declared the winner about half an hour later).

I was wrong about the outcome. The polls along with my sense of the public’s growing uneasiness with Brandon Johnson and my memories of how younger voters tend to stay home on Election Day led me to predict a comfortable victory for Paul Vallas (for whom I did not, I could not vote, see below).

Voters under 45 turned out in greater numbers than they did five weeks ago during the first round of mayoral voting, and, just judging from my Northwest Side neighborhood, Johnson had the better ground game with door knockers and sidewalk leafleteers.

I’ll say this again, I offer predictions not because I’ve got a great track record or think you should take them to the bank, but because everyone who follows politics closely has gut feelings and private predictions beyond the boilerplate “I don’t know,” and I happen not to be shy about sharing mine. You are free to consider those who keep their predictions to themselves to be wiser than I, but you’ll never know, will you?

Anyway, I now hope I’m wrong again in my assessment that Johnson doesn’t have the policy chops or the diplomatic/political skills to be an effective mayor of Chicago. He’s a gifted orator, to be sure — that victory speech Tuesday night was mighty (though “The most radical thing we can do is to actually love people, and our administration will do just that” made me roll my eyes) — and filled with uplift and promise.

He sounded a lot like the Brandon Johnson who’d stood out as the most charismatic and visionary of the nine candidates on the ballot in the first round, the one who vaulted from 3% in the polls in December to a strong second-place finish and a spot in the runoff at the end of February.

But during the runoff race, I grew increasingly disenchanted with Johnson — the disconnect between political reality and his gauzy, grand visions for (say it with me!) “a better, stronger, safer Chicago;" his refusal to answer direct, difficult questions and his tendency to deny saying things that he absolutely did say. His campaign’s evolving, scattershot responses to little problems such as his unpaid water bills gave me little confidence that he would surround himself with good people if elected. See “Brandon Johnson is a gaslighter with a clumsy campaign staff, and that has me worried” in Tuesday’s edition for a more in-depth refresher on why I was and remain so doubtful that he’ll be a good mayor.

I no longer want to dwell there, though. I want to give Johnson the same chance I would have given Vallas. It’s what I usually do after elections: I set aside my reservations and give newly elected officials the chance to fulfil the best and grandest parts of their vision — unity, transparency, prosperity, liberty, safety, justice — while keeping a wary eye out for overreach and dishonesty, and for the promotion of initiatives I believe run counter to those overarching goals.

I’m particularly inclined to do so with liberal and progressive candidates, whose end games I tend to believe in. In other words, I’m wiping the slate clean today and hoping Vallas voters do the same. Johnson voters — many of whom I know had significant reservations — should hold him to the high standard he set for himself now that he’s more than just a bulwark against Vallas.

I voted and yet I didn’t

I was up for at least an hour in the wee hours of Tuesday morning trying to decide what to do when I went to vote. Running through my mind was the same thing that ran through my mind as I stood, felt-tip marker in hand, for a long minute at the voting carrell in the church gym two blocks from our house. There was just one question on the ballot in our ward — the 39th: Vallas or Johnson.

I couldn’t vote for Vallas. I’d been on the never-Paul bandwagon for months. I personally like the guy, but I’m not in favor of privatizing education and he struck me as not only too generally conservative for my tastes but as a bridge to the past.

But I also couldn’t vote for Johnson, for reasons I outlined earlier

Like any voter, I’m accustomed to casting a ballot for the least objectionable candidate rather than the ideal candidate. Seems like it happens more often than not, actually. But there is always that pang that comes from giving 100% of your approval to a candidate for whom you feel maybe just 55% approval. And as I stared at that ballot, I found I simply couldn’t register even that much approval for either of them.

I slipped my ballot back into its sleeve, walked it over to the counting machine and slid it in. The machine registered an undervote, which prompted a surprised precinct worker to ask, “You cast a blank ballot?”

“Yep,” I said and headed for the door.

I wanted to show up at the polls — as I always,do — if only to squeak out a tiny but distinct “none of the above” message. Did that constitute a vote? They gave me an “I Voted!” sticker, so I slapped it on my chest.

It didn’t feel quite right, though. What amounted to a “present” vote felt like a cop out, an abdication of responsibility and act of indifference to a cherished right. But my other choices didn’t feel good either.

Preliminary totals from the Chicago Board of Election Commissioners Wednesday afternoon showed that only 1,125 of 558,547 Chicago voters left the race for mayor blank. I can’t speak for them, obviously, nor can I speak for the roughly 1 million registered voters who didn’t come out to vote at all (estimated turnout was about 35%).

I’m a “go vote!” guy in general and am critical of political apathy. But my experience Tuesday has left me with new appreciation for those who might make the considered decision not to vote and to leave the decision up to those who have strong feelings one way or the other.

Two shining moments: The past year’s winning tweets

Tweet Madness, my now-annual bracket competition in which readers pick the best of the winning tweets from the last 12 months, concluded with an epic Final Four battle with this coming out on top:

Dan Regan responded to an query for biographical details with this:

I'm 52 and live in New Jersey. I’ve been a comedian/comedy writer for over 20 years. My full-time job is in engineering.

I did my first (unplanned) stand-up at 10 years old at a dinner honoring my great-grandfather, and I’ve been in love with comedy ever since.

You can find me on all social media apps (Instagram, Facebook YouTube Tik Tok) under Dan_Regan_Comedy.

I announced the winner of Tweet Madness’ visual tweet competition in Tuesday’s issue. I had to disqualify the top vote-getter for having used a photoshopped image. Read all about that controversial decision here. That leaves this entry as the champion. The source is @MaryPatBoyd1 of Mandarin, Florida:

Here are this week’s nominees and a few other Twitter-related notes. Here is the direct link to the new poll.

The epic concession speech in the Wisconsin Supreme Court race

Defeated conservative candidate for the Wisconsin Supreme Court Dan Kelly did not hold back when addressing his supporters last night when it became clear that he’d lost by some 10 percentage points to liberal candidate Janet Protasiewicz.

I wish that in circumstances like this I would be able to concede to a worthy opponent, but I do not have a worthy opponent to whom I can concede. This was the most deeply deceitful, dishonorable, despicable campaign I have ever seen run for the courts. It was truly beneath contempt.

Now I say this not because we did not prevail. I do not say this because of the rancid slanders that were launched against me — although that was bad enough. For that is not my concern. My concern is the damage done to the institution of the courts. My opponent is a serial liar. She has disregarded judicial ethics. She has demeaned the judiciary with her behavior. And this is the future we have to look forward to in Wisconsin. 

I have been committed to the rule of law my entire career. I understand this to be the most fundamental, basic promise of civilization, and in its heart it lives in the judiciary. And if not there, nowhere at all. We had this laid out plainly for us. We could have the rule of law or the rule of Janet. And the people of Wisconsin have chosen the rule of Janet.

It’s surprising that more post-election speeches aren’t this bitter given the tone of so many campaigns. And once you edit out the butt-hurt vitriol, Kelly does have a point in arguing for judges remaining above the partisan fray, but he’s not exactly the one to make it, as Wisconsin Public Radio noted:

As a private attorney in 2012, Kelly defended Wisconsin's Republican-drawn redistricting plan in federal court, clearing the first major legal hurdle for maps that would entrench Republican majorities in the Legislature for the next decade. …

Kelly served on a litigation advisory board for the Wisconsin Institute for Law and Liberty, known as WILL, a conservative group that regularly appears before the court defending Republican policies, and trying to overturn Democratic ones. …

His application to the governor's office included a writing sample that likened affirmative action to slavery. It also referenced a blog he wrote between 2012 and 2015, in which Kelly gave his personal opinions on a range of political issues. In one blog post, Kelly said the goal of anti-abortion groups was "to preserve sexual libertinism," leaving little doubt about his own views on the procedure. …

When Kelly ran for election to the court in 2020, he based his campaign at the headquarters of the Republican Party of Wisconsin. After he lost to now-Justice Jill Karofsky, Kelly returned to private practice and worked for a variety of GOP causes, including for the Republican Party of Wisconsin and the Republican National Committee.

Something tells me that, if he’d won, Wisconsin would soon be experiencing the Rule of Dan.

News & Views

News: First lady Jill Biden wanted NCAA Women’s Final Four runner-up Iowa to be invited to the White House along with champion LSU

View: It was a nice sentiment, but no, definitely not. At least not this time. Second place has not traditionally earned a trip to Washington, D.C., and, while it might be a nice exhibition of sportswomanship if it became a custom, the optics here would have made it a terrible time to start, which might have been part of the reason the first lady’s idea will not be pursued. These images should explain why:

this photo updated from earlier editions

I’ll just leave it there.

News: Texas State Senate to take up bill requiring Ten Commandments in every public school classroom

View: The argument favoring this theocratic nonsense goes something like this: The American system of laws is rooted in absolute moral truths as handed down by the Judeo-Christian God in the Ten Commandments. Therefore a display of the commandments is simply a symbolic reminder of the principles upon which our civic institutions were based.

But no. Taken as a whole, the Ten Commandments are explicitly based upon and reflect a particular — and, I might add, not very widely practiced — religious belief.

Just three of the Ten Commandments reflect actual laws.

Don’t steal. Don’t murder. Don’t bear false witness.

Another four — honor your folks, stay faithful to your spouse, don’t be covetous and refrain from profanity — are simply good ideas, not generally matters of law anymore.

The remaining three — keep the Sabbath holy, make no graven images and have no other God before the Judeo-Christian God — are religious proscriptions, plain and simple.

Making graven images may or may not be a good idea, but unless I misread my Constitution, we’re all free to do so and risk the consequences. Any sign in a public school classroom that implies otherwise is in serious error. And making graven images, or at least the freedom to do so, is precisely, exactly what America is all about.

News: Republican lawmakers in Kansas on Tuesday passed a bill that would bar transgender people from changing their name or gender on their driver's license

View: This is pointlessly cruel and illustrative of where the Republican Party is these days as it wages its culture war against a population that needs and deserves acceptance and understanding. CBS reports that the measure also bars trans women from women’s bathrooms and locker rooms and appears likely to have enough support in both legislative chambers to override the anticipated veto of Democratic Gov. Laura Kelly.

News: Arkansas Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders requests the federal government bear 100% of tornado recovery costs

View: Remind us again about the horrors of socialism and “the meddling hand of big government” you so recently deplored

News: Starting with 2024 models, Ford will join some other automakers in phasing out in-dash AM radios

View: I hate this idea. Yes, most stations will be available for streaming, and the cars’ audio systems will be optimized for streaming, but talk/info programming on the AM dial, while fading along with all other legacy media, is still an important part of our ecosystem.

Ford isn’t the first company to exclude AM radio in its vehicles. Tesla, BMW, Mazda, Polestar, Rivian, Volkswagen, and Volvo removed AM radio from their electric vehicles.

I’m sure many people hated the idea of getting rid of car cassette and CD players too. And we survived. But those moves helped marginalize cassettes and CDs, just as this move, as it spreads, will further marginalize AM radio.

News: The next in-person pretrial court date for Donald Trump is Dec. 4

View: The gears of our justice system grind too damn slowly. Eight months between court appearances? Come on!

Land of Linkin’

• Great news! The brilliant columnist Steve Chapman is coming out of retirement to write occasional columns for the Tribune. “Political convention sites simply don’t matter on Election Day” in Thursday’s paper marks his return

• Patrick Smith of Chicago Public Media argues that “Chicago’s next mayor needs to change this police PR strategy.” He writes of the “longstanding practice by (the Chicago Police Department) to restrict (journalists’) access to the people actually doing police work. The result is a fundamental lack of understanding of what police officers do on a daily basis and what might cause acts of misconduct or abuse. It also means over the past few years, the only police voices the public heard regularly were the politicized statements of the controversial CPD Superintendent David Brown or the conservative firebrand police union President John Catanzara.”

• Sam Hyson has updated his analysis of how ranked-choice voting might have changed the shape of the first round of mayoral voting in Chicago Compelling stuff, and good background for when the new mayor makes good on his campaign promise to boost ranked-choice voting. Which he will, right?

• Graeme Barrett’s new comedy skit about LARPers finding a dead body is hilarious. Even better, some people are taking it seriously online!

• The New York Times’ Wirecutter product evaluation team did a taste test to select “The Best Creamy Peanut Butter.” Spoiler alert: “Of all the ‘regular’ peanut butters we tried (oil added, super-creamy, and homogenous), Skippy was a standout favorite.”

Laurie Higgins, a strong contender for Illinois’ most batty conservative, is at it again, arguing against allowing for “human composting” as an optional method of burial in an essay on the Illinois Family Institute website. Higgins writes, “Isn’t recomposition what the trans cult believes they can do? … Human composting will be voluntary at first, but how long will that last? ... And what comes after non-voluntary human composting? Mandatory human composting. How long before cannibalism of recently deceased humans is legalized? After all, why waste all that good meat. Maybe we could call it Soylent Green.”

• The Chicago Reader’s Best of Chicago issue is out with the results of its audience polls. “The Mincing Rascals” finished third in the contest for best podcast, and panelist Brandon Pope finished second in the contest for best beard. I finished second in the rankings of best Chicagoans to follow on Twitter (which is preposterous), and the Picayune Sentinel came in third for best blog but did not place for best email newsletter. Since I did not win, I must say this was the most deeply deceitful, dishonorable, despicable contest I have ever seen, with the surveys infected by rancid slanders. (reference link)

• The Picayune Sentinel preview: Tuesday at 11:30 a.m. I talk with WGN-AM 720 host John Williams about what’s making news and likely to be grist for the PS mill. The WGN listen-live link is here.

Mary Schmich: ‘Wanted’

My former colleague Mary Schmich posts occasional column-like entries on Facebook. Here, reprinted with permission, is her most recent offering, a timely entry into the series of rhymes she calls “TrumPoems”

I’m making headlines once again—
A hero always does
Who cares if I’m indicted?
I am getting major buzz.

I’ve raised 5 million buckeroos
To help with my defense
My weakling rivals bow to me
Including weasel Pence.

My headlines are ginormous!
(Like my ego and my id)
Who cares I broke some stupid law?
(If that is what I did.)

Today I flew aboard my plane—
Farewell to F-L-A!—
I’m off to kick the hiney of
That NYC D.A.

I paid off Stormy Daniels?
(What a stupid porn star name!)
I cheated on my taxes?
(Michael Cohen is to blame.)

The law is meant for losers
And I always, always win
And even when I’m losing
I can give it Trumpy spin!

So let ‘em take my fingerprints
And put my hands in cuffs
I’ll hold my head up proudly
Watch—I’m gonna call their bluffs.

Yeah, let ‘em take my mug shot
I’ll just make some “Wanted” signs
And sell them on the Internet
And mount them in Trump shrines.

I am a very wanted man
The ladies tell me so!
And so do my supporters
They will never let me go.

Arrest me if you wanna, folks
It looks great on TV
And guarantees my stranglehold
Upon the GOP.

—Mary Schmich

Minced Words

Tribune City Hall reporter Alice Yin joined host John Williams, Brandon Pope, Austin Berg and me to discuss the result of the mayoral election in this week’s episode of “The Mincing Rascals.” Subscribe to us wherever you get your podcasts. Or bookmark this page. If you’re not a podcast listener, you can now hear an edited version of the show at 8 p.m. most Saturday evenings on WGN-AM 720.

Re: Tweets

Hey Elon, get rid of my blue checkmark! It was supposed to go away Saturday, because no way am I paying $8 a month to help you cover the $44 billion you paid for Twitter. And now it looks like I am paying you, which is very embarrassing!

Confusion reigns as impostors are now free to purchase blue checks.

Liberal Limericks @Libericks

@Limericking So if while on Twitter you spot A check mark within a blue dot, It’s now guaranteed The author, indeed, Is just who it seems. Or it’s not.

Ah well, it might not matter for long if Natasha Lomas at TechCrunch is to be believed in her essay, “Twitter is Dying.”

I’ve been avoiding putting politically themed tweets into the general contests — they skew the votes away from pure comedy — but I wanted to pass this one along:

via Twitter, origin unknown

Here are the new nominees for Tweet of the Week, a particularly fine set:

• Asked a dog, “Who’s a good boy??” and he got so excited. Didn’t have the heart to tell him it was me. I am the good boy. — @TheAndrewNadeau

• If I was a clown I would simply not ride with that many clowns in one car. It’s just unsafe. — @StruggleDisplay

• Don’t much care for Pez dispensers. I keep my Pez loose in a tin. — @camerobradford

• If you made a song about it then you ABSOLUTELY care about the corn that Jimmy cracked. — @OrdinaryAlso

• It’s weird that George was so curious but literally nobody else was. If I lived near some dude that dressed like a banana and had a pet monkey I’d be asking WAY more questions. — @TheAndrewNadeau

• God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think? Angel: It's cute. But what's it for? God: *creating furniture* You'll see … — @karanbirtinna

• When I go to IKEA to purchase a table, I ask the sales associate which models will support frequent and vigorous lovemaking. — @SaltyMacTavish

• DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you'll be spending eternity in. ME: Actually we're underground so it would be magma. DEVIL: This is why you're here you realize. — @ThomedySci

• Sometimes I have to remind myself to get off the internet, go outside and judge people in person. — @Tbone7219

• Doctor: Your parents were in a car accident. Me: How are they? Doctor: They're extremely critical. Me: So they're awake, that's good. — @Browtweaten

Vote here and check the current results in the poll. This week I have altered the platform to discourage multiple votes from the same user. Not very Chicago of me, I realize. For instructions and guidelines regarding the poll, click here.

Tune of the Week

This week I’ve invited Nancy Nall Derringer to nominate a song. She’s a former columnist for the Fort Wayne News-Sentinel and now freelance writer and editor based in Grosse Pointe Woods, Michigan. I consider her newsy, chatty blog “Nancy Nall” a must-read and was glad to meet her for lunch last month in Ann Arbor.

She submitted “Radiant Hue,” a brand-new single by Shadow Show:

She wrote:

Of course I like it because my daughter (bassist Kate Derringer) plays on it, but I’ve been listening to it a lot in the last few days, and I love the way it evokes the ‘60s psychedelic era in a modern way. There are a lot of sonic layers here; put on your headphones and check it out.

Consult the complete Tune of the Week archive!

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