ericzorn.substack.com
4-30-2026
This week:
News and Views — Hot takes, fully baked
Land of Linkin’ — Where I tell readers where to go
Squaring up the news — Where Charlie Meyerson tells readers where to go
Media notes — Paris shuts one door and another opens
Quotables — A collection of compelling, sometimes appalling passages I’ve encountered lately
Quips — The winning visual jokes and this week’s contest finalists
Good Sports — In the long run, this marathon record deserved more attention
Green Light — For the alarming documentary “The Grab”
Allow me to explain the jokes to the obtuse, vindictive Republicans
Donald Trump and his allies are once again calling on ABC to fire late-night talk host Jimmy Kimmel because he joked last week that Melania Trump has “a glow like an expectant widow.”
The political right — which barely showed a glimmer of concern or outrage when a MAGA nutcase murdered Minnesota House of Representatives Speaker Emerita Melissa Hortman and her husband, Mark Hortman, and stalked and shot Minnesota state Sen. John Hoffman and his wife, Yvette Hoffman — got the vapors over Kimmel’s joke, saying it was a call for Trump’s violent death.
But, no. See, the point of the joke is that Trump is a manifestly horrible human being. He’s truculent, cruel, vain, narcissistic and amoral. He openly celebrated the death of Robert Mueller and attacked Rob Reiner as “deranged” shortly after Reiner and his wife were murdered.
You wouldn’t want him as a neighbor, an employee or a friend, and the joke presumes that he’s therefore a horrible husband. Melania is 24 years younger than he is and likely to live many blowhard-free decades in wealth and comfort after her dreadful husband dies.
Granted, she may not be looking forward at all to being a widow. She may truly love the guy, not for his money or the status he affords her, but for his personality. The idea that she secretly loathes him as so many of us openly do and is not displeased by signs that, at 79, he is in failing health is the point of the joke, not that she or Kimmel is wishing upon him a violent end.
“That’s not funny,” you may say. And the truth is that very few jokes sound funny after they are logically explained.
You see, when I asked you, “Why do birds fly south for the winter?” you focused your attention on the directional aspect — south — instead of the mode of transportation — flying. So my answer, “Because it’s too far to walk,” upended your expectations and caused you to think of the absurd notion of birds walking any distance at all. They walk very slowly. Get it?
Also …
Though former FBI Director James Comey’s controversial Instagram post showing seashells in the sand that read “8647” was not exactly a joke —
— it was an oblique and arguably humorous way to use slang to suggest that we should throw away or discard (the dictionary definition of 86) our 47th president (Trump).
The U.S. Department of Justice got the vapors over this message — which Comey merely chanced upon, photographed and posted — and this week charged Comey with “knowingly and willfully (making) a threat to take the life of, and to inflict bodily harm upon, the President of the United States.” That’s the real joke here. And it would be hilarious if it didn’t amount to such an ominous assault on freedom of political expression.
Throw away Trump! Toss him now onto history’s garbage heap where he will inevitably end up! Remove him from office and send him waddling away in disgrace!
Those are the dreams and hopes of millions. They are not threats. Any doofus who’s not a member of the Trump administration can see that plainly, and even many of them probably know that no jury will ever convict Comey on this absurd charge on the off chance that a deranged partisan judge lets it come to trial.
I never once considered the social media posts below to be threats to our 46th president, Joe Biden, or references to death:
And this merch, still for sale on Amazon, was plainly a call for Biden’s impeachment, not assassination:
Federal prosecutors might want to take note that Trump haters can purchase numerous “8647” products on Amazon. Meanwhile, Etsy offers a large array of similar garments.
The Lawfare blog explains why “8647” is clearly legal:
The statute at issue, 18 U.S.C. § 871(a), criminalizes the act of “knowingly and willfully” making “any threat to take the life of, to kidnap, or to inflict bodily harm upon the President of the United States.” (A broader prohibition, 18 U.S.C. § 875(c), criminalizes making threats through interstate communications.)
The law requires an actual threat—“a serious expression conveying that a speaker means to commit an act of unlawful of violence”—not some cryptic statement about the desirability of harm befalling the president. Nothing in the picture supports the existence of such a threat—certainly not one made knowingly and willfully. … Indeed, interpreted in the light least favorable to Comey, the mollusks in question don’t even make out a threat. They make out a request: Will somebody please 86 the current president? Interpreted as violently as possible, that translates to: Someone please murder Donald Trump. That’s arguably a call to violence, but it isn’t a threat.
And this brings us to the bigger problem for a potential United States v. Comey: that pesky First Amendment, which sets an extremely high bar for prosecuting speech as either a “true threat” or an incitement of violence and does not, last we checked, have an exception for presidential egos.
Prosecutions for threats against the President played a substantial role in developing the First Amendment doctrine of “true threats,” which separates bluster and rhetoric from actual threats to do harm. In Watts v. United States, 394 U.S. 705 (1969), the United States Supreme Court took up the conviction of an 18-year-old man who said this during an anti-draft protest during Vietnam: "They always holler at us to get an education. And now I have already received my draft classification as 1-A and I have got to report for my physical this Monday coming. I am not going. If they ever make me carry a rifle the first man I want to get in my sights is LBJ. . . . . They are not going to make me kill my black brothers." The Court articulated the core of the “true threat” doctrine, noting that political rhetoric, hyperbole, and robust debate that does not convey an intent to do harm is protected by the First Amendment.
The purpose of the Comey indictment is the same as the attempt to get Jimmy Kimmel fired and the coincident investigation into ABC’s owned-and-operated station, a move that’s too much even for Trump sycophant Sen. Ted Cruz.
No, the purpose is to attempt to silence criticism of the most thin-skinned, vain, repulsive president in history, an attempt we must fight on principle, no matter how we feel about Trump. I’m hoping for an “I am Spartacus!” moment in which those appalled by this indictment post this image to their social media feeds. (more than 80 shares so far!)
The feds can’t prosecute all of us. At least not yet.
Judge Lyke’s fatal error should cost him his seat on the bench
This may strike a reactionary tone to some of you, but Cook County Circuit Court Judge John Lyke Jr. needs to retire or be voted off the bench for the dismaying decision that allowed alleged cop killer Alphanso Talley to be out of jail on home monitoring even though he’d been for armed robbery and carjacking in April 2025 when on electronic monitoring on charges of possessing a stolen vehicle and battering a correctional officer. These cases were before Lyle, who was well aware of Talley’s long record of predatory crimes.
Here’s WGN-TV’s Ben Bradley:
“Presumably (Talley) would have had a minimum, collectively, of $1 million bail, and he would have needed $100,000 to get out,” Lyke told the court in December. “Our esteem(ed) Legislature says, ‘No, we’re not going to do that anymore. We’re going to make judges take a critical look at it.’”
The judge noted prosecutors’ objections to releasing Talley on electronic monitoring and their concern that the community’s safety couldn’t be guaranteed if he was released. A prosecutor told the judge the charges Talley was facing in that case were detainable under the Pre-Trial Fairness Act.
“The mere fact that he has four pending cases is egregious in and of itself, and it may in certain instances shock the (conscience),” Lyke said during the hearing, while also noting Talley has been in trouble with the law since he was roughly 12 years old.
“When you look behind the numbers about his criminal history, all of those convictions (are) when, from a physiological standpoint, his brain wasn’t fully developed,” Lyke said.
“That (doesn’t) excuse any type of criminal behavior, nonetheless, in this court’s opinion. He was 22, 19, 18, 17, and then as (a) juvenile, 12 or 13,” the transcript quotes Lyke as saying.
The judge then noted Talley had family members supporting him in the courtroom and a recently born child, and that he had completed anger management and other courses during his time in jail while he awaited trial.
“It appears his mind is finally developing and he may be on the path to making better decisions,” Lyke said.
I wasn’t at the hearing, but the reference to “our esteemed legislature” sounds sarcastic, as though he disagreed with the Safety, Accountability, Fairness and Equity-Today Act (SAFE-T) that eliminated cash bail in 2023. Fine. He’s entitled to be snide. But his acknowledgment that the indigent Talley would have had to come up with $100,000 (on a bail amount of $1 million) under the circumstances reflected the gravity of the need to keep him locked up.
“‘We’re going to make judges take a critical look at it’” was exactly right and on point. Lyke was fully empowered under the law to consider the totality of circumstances and decide whether Talley posed “a real and present threat to the safety of any person or persons or the community, based on the specific articulable facts of the case.”
Prosecutors said he did, telling Lyke “The fact that the defendant has four cases does lead the state to believe that there are no conditions or combinations of conditions that can guarantee the defendant’s compliance with any other form of pretrial release, including electronic monitoring.”
Against this recommendation, Lyke decided Talley did not post a threat, basing his ruling on the flimsy, squishy, naive reasons articulated above. And all the evidence suggests his mistake cost at least one police officer his life.
Talley allegedly shot and killed Chicago police Officer John Bartholomew and gravely wounded his partner Saturday morning at Swedish Hospital shortly after allegedly robbing a Dollar Store and pistol-whipping an employee.
“What is clear from publicly-available information is that there was absolutely nothing in the law that prohibited the detention of Alphanso Talley while he was awaiting trial, said a statement from the Illinois Network for Pretrial Justice arguing that the tragedy did not implicate the SAFE-T Act. “Any statement to the contrary is manifestly false.”
Lyke will be on the judicial retention ballot in November 2028, and I will be neither surprised nor disappointed if voters remember the dreadful events of Saturday and send him packing.
I’ve been around long enough to remember 1986 when voters turned out Criminal Division Judge Lawrence C. Passarella, now deceased, after he acquitted Michael J. Colella, of attempted murder. Here’s columnist Mike Rokyo (gift link), who helped lead (gift link) the successful campaign to oust Passarella:
Colella was stopped for a traffic infraction. That made him angry, so the hulking weightlifter beat Police Officer Cathy Touhy so viciously that she had to undergo extensive plastic surgery.
Tell me, if there’s no doubt that you beat a policewoman almost to death and are charged with attempted murder, what do you tell the judge?
Colella said he was drinking in an Old Town bar. Sitting next to him was a mysterious stranger with tattoos. And for reasons unknown, the stranger must have slipped a drug into his drink. And this substance is what addled Colella`s brain and caused him to almost kill Officer Touhy.
Upon hearing that story, a judge might be expected to laugh and wheeze, then say: ”Nice try, fellow, but it is off to Stateville with you.”
But, no. The story made sense to Judge Lawrence Passarella, and he sent Colella back to the streets.
Maybe Lyke is a fine jurist, and he simply made one big mistake. Yeah, well, otherwise fine people get bounced for making one big mistake all the time, and those big mistakes are seldom as ghastly and consequential as this one.
Last week’s winning quip
Every ceiling fan I’ve ever used has five settings: 1. No, that’s the light. 2. I think I turned it off?? 3. No, it’s still going. 4. Okay, it finally stopped. 5. Apache war helicopter. — Mistermassey
“Mistermassey” is the first ever winner from the Threads platform, which I don’t check often enough for entries. If you’re on Threads and know of some consistently funny people I should follow, let me know!
Here are this week’s nominees and the winner of the Tuesday visual-jokes poll. Here is the direct link to the new poll.
News & Views
News: Lincolnwood Town Center mall closing prompts wave of nostalgia, Water Tower Place mall is downsizing and Ford City Mall likely to be converted to warehouses.
View: I’m part of the problem. On inclement days, we used to take the kids to the Lincolnwood Town Center seven miles from our house just for something to do, but I haven’t set foot in that mall — or Water Tower Place or Ford City — for decades. Malls feel passé to me — generally more expensive, more prosaic and less convenient than neighborhood or online retailers and a place to socialize and people-watch rather than make purchases.
CapitalOne Shopping Research reported last fall:
While mall foot traffic is up over the short-term (2.12% year-over-year*), 25% of the nation’s 1,200 malls are expected to close by 2028. … From 2016 to 2024, a net 18,730 mall stores closed. … In 2018, 20% of people preferred to shop online as opposed to in-store; by 2025, 70% of people preferred online shopping. … No indoor megamall construction has been completed since 2006.
News: A Tribune poll shows Secretary of State Alexi Giannoulias the best regarded potential candidate in the 2027 mayoral field.
View: It’s early, but these favorability numbers (gift link) ain’t terrible for Hizzoner who had dipped into the single digits early last year.
So though he’s still underwater, he’s trending in the right direction. And if he decides to run again and if he’s the only major Black candidate, smart money will have him in the runoff election.
News: “NFL draft in NIL era includes players taking a pay cut to go from college to the pros” (gift link)
View: Either way, I remain glad the athlete/performers are getting paid. The amateurism train has left the station, and it was high time.
Land of Linkin’
I have updated my post about the wrongful death lawsuit filed by the family of Adam Toledo, who was slain by a Chicago police officer. The update features portions of the officer’s sworn testimony about the events of that night, which highlights some of the issues likely to come up at trial.
Associated Press: “About 70% of college students see AI as a threat to their job prospects, according to a 2025 poll by the Institute of Politics at the Harvard Kennedy School, while recent Gallup polling finds U.S. workers are increasingly concerned about being replaced by new technologies.”
We are now less than 1,000 days from the scheduled end of the Trump presidency. Follow the countdown here.
On this week’s episode of “The Mincing Rascals” podcast, Austin Berg, Jon Hansen and I joined host John Williams to talk about the slaying of Chicago police Officer John Bartholomew, the attempted assassinations at the White House Correspondents’ Association banquet, Jimmy Kimmel’s joke, James Comey’s indictment and the Supreme Court’s ruling on voting rights. Some spirited disagreements! Our green-light recommendations are here. Subscribe to us wherever you get your podcasts. Bookmark this page. If you’re not a podcast listener, you can hear an edited version of the show at 8 p.m. most Saturday evenings on WGN-AM 720 look for the YouTube version that will be posted later in the week.
Down an internet rabbit hole last week, I chanced upon “The First Jewish President,” a comedy routine performed by Mike Nichols and Elaine May (both Jewish) at Jimmy Carter’s inaugural aala in 1977:
The average national price of regular gasoline was $4.23 a gallon on Wednesday, up $1.07 from a year ago. In Illinois, it was $4.53.
“Cancel the White House Correspondents Association banquet forever,” I wrote in Tuesday’s Picayune Plus.
Big game hunters: The public hates you.
Squaring up the news
This is a bonus supplement to the Land of Linkin’ from veteran radio, internet and newspaper journalist Charlie Meyerson. Each week, he offers a selection of intriguing links from his daily email news briefing Chicago Public Square:
“Two kings”: As President Trump hosted King Charles at the White House, his administration posted a picture of the two of them with that caption …
■ … which makes Friday’s “May Day” general strike—sequel to the “No Kings” rallies—all the more poignant. The Tribune spotlights what’s up for the day in Chicago.
■ A body language expert says Trump’s handshake welcome for the king played out like “a battle” and “a stare-out.”
■ One of those in the room during the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner shooting—puppet-American Triumph the Comic Insult Dog—reviewed the night’s events on Monday night’s “Daily Show.”
■ Washington Post columnist Monica Hesse (gift link) on Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s wife getting left to fend for herself in the evacuation: “We are all Cheryl Hines … watching the important people be whisked away.”
■ CNN and WXRT News alumnus Charles Jaco on the shooting suspect’s “manifesto”: “What he did was wrong … but his observations are 100% sane.”
■ Former Politico editor Garrett Graff: “A central point of the government’s case doesn’t add up.”
■ Trump made the same joke about his longevity that he and his wife want Jimmy Kimmel fired for.
■ Moral High Ground columnist Evan Hurst: “Trump Reading Bible Aloud Is Exactly The Asshol-ish Behavior Jesus Was Talking About.”
■ Pulitzer winner Mary Schmich’s out with a fresh TrumPoem.
■ A veteran Illinois Republican strategist tells Politico why he’s quitting the party.
■ Still have an AT&T landline—or know someone who does? Check your mail.
You can (and should) subscribe to Chicago Public Square free here.
Media notes
Paris shuts one door, and another opens
Political reporter Paris Schutz, 43, is leaving Fox 32 to join the NBC 5 news team. His move comes just two years after he jumped to Fox from WTTW-Ch. 11, where he was a co-host of “Chicago Tonight.” It’s a good bet that he will eventually succeed the station’s veteran ace political reporter Mary Ann Ahern, who is in her early 70s.
RIP Jeff Carlson
Great copy editors are the unsung heroes of newspapers, and the Tribune’s Jeff Carlson, who died last week at 68, was one of the greatest. From the Tribune obituary (gift link):
Carlson handled copy editing duties for nearly every major investigative and enterprise project published by the Tribune in the past six years. Most recently, he had overseen copy editing for many of the Tribune’s stories about the U.S. Department of Homeland Security’s Operation Midway Blitz.
Those stories about Operation Midway Blitz were honored Monday with the Batten Medal for public service Monday. That medal is awarded by the Poynter Institute and “recognizes exceptional journalism that makes a difference to the lives of people and their communities,” as the Tribune reported.
Chicago’s newsrooms did excellent work across the board in covering the rampaging of Border Patrol and Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents though our communities, thanks in part to the steady hands and keen eyes of copy editors like Carlson.
RIP Pete Kastanes
Though Pete Kastanes was not part of legacy media, his “Vanished Chicagoland” blog, Facebook page and podcast were gold mines of local nostalgia and exhibited relentless reporting skills. Kastanes, 62, died of prostate cancer Saturday at age 62.
Shameless Tribune Publishing raises the price of ‘Premium Issues’ to $19.99
I received a postcard in the mail Wednesday informing me that the Tribune had raised the price of my digital-plus-Sunday-home-delivery subscription price by 58%. The postcard didn’t tell me this, of course — all it said was that I would be charged $45.89 for 13 weeks, without mentioning that my previous rate was $29.
I had actually already called customer service — 312-546-7900 — on Monday when my credit card company alerted me to the $45.89 charge, and complained that the newspaper hadn’t warned me of this price increase. The operator agreed, after some jawboning, to giving me the old price back, but she would not agree to refund the $16.89 they’d imposed, since the charge had already gone through.
It’s such a shitty way to do business — sneak price increases past loyal customers (I’ve subscribed for well over 45 years), make it hard for them to learn what they are paying (the online portal won’t tell subscribers their current rates) and simply hope they don’t notice as their bills get bigger and bigger.
Also shitty is the whole “premium issues” scam, wherein the paper charges Sunday home delivery subscribers extra for occasional special supplements unless they call to opt out. That charge was $6 (actually $5.99) per “premium issue” when I first called out this shady practice in November 2021; now it’s $20 (actually $19.99). If that price had kept up with inflation, it would be a shade over $7. Further, the paper now reserves the right to insert up to 17 such supplements a year into your Sunday paper (up from a dozen five years ago).
That’s $340 a year for a bunch of magazines you may or may not want.
Meanwhile, I continue to get letters like this from a PS reader in Naperville:
My wife was told that we could have the trib for $4.50/week for a year.
After the year was up they said that because of fuel surcharges of $8.01 per week, which they had added at some point, that we owe them $69.69 and that it was a “grace period” that was the reason they didn’t just stop delivering when the money ran out.
They sent me to collections. I let this company know that I will not be paying anything and will not be subscribing again.
This is how they treat a 25-30 year customer.
In fairness to the Tribune, other companies are similarly shady. I spent hours on the phone earlier this week with Xfinity when I realized they had been charging my late father nearly three times the going rate for home internet plus landline telephone service.
I have a standing offer to anyone at the Tribune to contact me to defend how they do business. My previous emails to the editor and the publisher have gone unanswered.
Quotables
A collection of compelling, sometimes appalling passages I’ve encountered lately
Unknown — Kash Patel = J. Edgar Boozer
Melania Trump, unironically, about Jimmy Kimmel — His words are corrosive and deepen the political sickness within America.
Jimmy Kimmel, addressing Melania Trump during his monologue Monday — I agree that hateful and violent rhetoric is something we should reject, I do. And I think a great place to start to dial that back would be to have a conversation with your husband about it.
Margaret Sullivan on the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner — If this is really about celebrating the First Amendment, free expression and press rights, don’t invite people who stand in clear opposition to that. Yes, for starters, do not invite Trump, Pete Hegseth, Brendan Carr or Stephen Miller. Their anti-press behavior is disqualifying and there’s no need for “unity” with them. On the unity topic, be sure to read the former Chicago Tribune editor Mark Jacob’s post: “The press isn’t supposed to seek unity with politicians. It’s supposed to seek the truth. That’s easier to accomplish – and to get the public to believe – when you’re not clinking champagne glasses with the people you’re reporting on.” To those who think it’s essential to observe longstanding tradition and invite the president and other prominent government officials, think about a couple of analogies before things move forward. Here’s one from Oliver Darcy, who publishes the Status media newsletter: It’s “akin to a fire department inviting arsonists to a gathering aimed at celebrating firefighting.”
Dumb Beezie — Trump has the worst polls ever, and I haven’t even been asked yet.
Former U.S. Rep. Adam Kinzinger, R-Illinois, on the response of previous presidents who were subjected to assassination attempts — They did not call for restrictions on speech. They did not blame their political opponents for the actions of an unstable individual. They did not retreat into self-pity. They did not seize on a near miss as permission to consolidate power, settle scores, or remodel the residence into a personal monument. Compare that to what we are watching now.
Allen Clifton —When Donald Trump publicly mocked the killing of Rob Reiner, Melania stayed silent. When Donald Trump publicly celebrated the death of Robert Mueller, Melania stayed silent. When Donald Trump publicly, and repeatedly, called Marjorie Taylor Greene a “traitor,” triggering death threats against her and her family — threats that the former representative said the president blew off and dismissed when she asked him to stop — and continued his public attacks against her even after she informed him of those threats, Melania stayed silent. When U.S. intelligence essentially confirmed Donald Trump’s war against Iran mistakenly hit a school, taking the lives of nearly 200 children — while her husband refused to acknowledge the mistake, take responsibility, or even apologize — Melania stayed silent. When Donald Trump and his oldest son publicly mocked the attack on Nancy Pelosi’s husband, a senior citizen, with a hammer by a fanatic who had supported Donald Trump’s lies about the results of the 2020 election, Melania stayed silent. When a Donald Trump supporter hunted down Democrats, taking the lives of two while shooting two others in an act of horrific violence in Minnesota last year, and Donald Trump didn’t even reach out to the governor of the state to offer help or condolences, Melania stayed silent. When Donald Trump chose to attack and criticize Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer after an attempt to kidnap her by far-right radical lunatics was thwarted, rather than simply expressing relief that these lowlifes who were plotting to do so were stopped, Melania stayed silent. She’s married to one of the worst human beings on the planet. An absolute lowlife piece of garbage who’s among the most disgraceful people to ever be allowed to call themselves “president” — who spends hours every single day lashing out and attacking others with some of the most vile statements imaginable — and Melania stays silent. Oh, but when Jimmy Kimmel makes a joke about her husband’s age in a comedy sketch — now the thin-skinned, easily triggered snowflake … has something to say.
Economist Paul Krugman — How long will it take before Trump accepts the reality that he doesn’t have the cards, that in the end his Iran venture will be resolved in a way that leaves Iran stronger and America weaker than before the war? … Trump is clearly dissociating. His fragile sense of self-worth depends on constantly believing that he’s a winner while others are losers. Now he’s faced with the reality that he, more or less single-handedly, led America to humiliating strategic defeat. … So Trump is coping by tuning out the war he started, focusing on a grandiose, ego-boosting project that lets him assert dominance over servile Republicans and businesses that are footing the bill
Dump Trump
Donald Trump never crosses his legs when he sits, so he always appears to be perched on a toilet. This is evidently rooted in the belief that crossing one’s legs is effeminate — in a widely shared post, right-wing comedian Adam Carolla referred to “leg-crossing pussies.” Fox News host Jesse Waters has listed “You don’t cross your legs” as one of his rules for men.
From a 2024 post in Real Men, Real Style:
When men sit with their feet planted on the floor and their knees 11-24 inches apart, it exudes power. Not only is it more comfortable (more breathing room for the groin area), but it is also a modern-day marking your territory. This gives you a great first impression. When we look at people with power – they’re typically seen to take up more space. Kings sit on giant thrones. CEOs sit by the short edge of the table while everyone else has seatmates. But there’s another trait that men who sit like this give off: being open to discussion. When the body “opens up,” the mind does the same.
So it’s more manly to look like you’re squatting on the potty? I don’t think so, but I’m curious if this opinion is widespread, so to speak.
Quips
In Tuesday’s paid-subscriber editions, I present my favorite tweets that rely on visual humor. Subscribers then vote for their favorite. Here is the winner from this week’s contest:
The new nominees for Quip of the Week:
I’m at the age where I know more medications mentioned on “The Pitt” than I do musical guests on “Saturday Night Live.” — erik.hernandez78 (Threads)
Nextdoor is what a social network would be for dogs if they could type. Every post is like “Who is that stranger?!” and “What’s that noise?” — papalawn (Threads)
Me: He’s a glove that sells Hamburger Helper. Girl looking at the posters in my room: No, I get it. — @cornonthegoblin.bsky.social
In retrospect, naming our band Sold Out was a terrible idea. — @johnlyon.bsky.social
Dentist: Have you been flossing? Me: Have you? Dentist: (sweating) THIS ISN’T ABOUT ME! — @tommytoughstuff.bsky.social
Me: [on a second date, eager to show off my new tattoo] Remember how you said you liked garlic bread? — @cornonthegoblin.bsky.social
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in and fill out paperwork. Me: *sigh* FINE. Where are you located? — @emceekayvee.bsky.social
My town also has a plesiosaur swimming around in its loch, but we just don’t make a big fucking deal about it. — @markleggett
Just once I want to hear the coach of a losing team say in the press conference after the game, “First, all blame goes to Jesus. He really failed us on this one.” — ohthatsrich (Threads)
This is the first administration with enough disdain for health and safety regulations that Willy Wonka’s factory could actually exist. Literally the only obstacle is the undocumented staff. — @TheAndrewNadeau
Vote here and check the current results in the poll.
Good Sports
Taking notice of a major sporting milestone
Yes, the media took note of the first-ever sub-2-hour marathon time last weekend, but it should have been bigger news. This was a mark once thought impossible.
It was just over 100 years ago, in 1925, that the 2:30 mark was broken, and it was another 27 years, 1952, that the 2:20 mark fell. The first sub 2:10 marathon occurred in 1967, and ever since, the world’s elite runners have been inching up on the two-hour mark. Eliud Kipchoge ran a 1:59:40 in controlled conditions in 2019, but since it was not an official race, the time didn’t count. Kelvin Kiptum finished the Chicago Marathon in a record 2:00:35 in 2023 and was the best hope until he was killed in a car accident the following January.
Sunday, then Sabastian Sawe of Kenya won the London Marathon in 1:59:30, 65 seconds faster than Kiptum’s time. Ethiopia’s Yomif Kejelcha came in second in 1:59.41. And even the third-place finisher, Jacob Kiplimo of Uganda, beat the previous world record with a time of 2:00.28.
A vote against “walk-off” singles
John Lynch — When did every bottom-of-the-last-inning win become a “walk-off”? It’s become an overused cliche that is starting to grate. I’m OK with the “ walk-off” home run. A game-winning homer in the bottom of the 9th (or an extra inning) was exciting enough to have its own moniker. But a walk-off single in the 9th? Or a walk-off sac fly in the bottom of the 10th? I say nope.
Zorn —Agreed. I always thought walk-off nodded to the idea that no one had to run or expend any particular effort --- singles and sacrifice flies aren't walk-offs, though bases loaded walks might qualify. This makes me wonder why it is that home runs in stadiums require a runner to trot around the bases. It's unnecessary, pure symbolism, no doubt a holdover from the days when there were no outfield fences and the batter had to traverse the bases while the hapless fielders chased after the ball.
I can’t think of another sport in which a player must perform a gratuitous act after having accomplished a goal during the course of play.
Green Light
Green Light features recommendations from me and readers not only of songs — as in the former Tune of the Week post — but also of TV shows, streaming movies, books, podcasts and other diversions that, with only rare exceptions, can be enjoyed at home.
Sunday, Johanna and I went to see “The Grab,” a 2024 documentary being screened here as part of the Doc10 festival, which runs through Sunday. It follows Nate Halverson, a journalist with the California-based Center for Investigative Reporting, and his colleagues Mallory Newman and Emma Schwartz over six years as they attempt to track the powerful, shadowy international forces attempting to take control over the world’s water and food supplies.
The filmmaker and Halverson’s team ably support the notion that the wars of this century will be fought not over oil but water and arable land, and that if we don’t look out, the sway of those who capture those resources will be daunting and perhaps catastrophic.
It’s not a perfect movie by any means. It jumps around in time, and experts pop in and out when it’s not clear how they know whereof they speak. Reviews have been mixed:
Variety calls it “astonishing, eye-opening” and adds that is “unspools like a thriller in one sense and a dystopian science fiction movie in another.”
But in a two-star review, RogerEbert.com critic Simon Abrams says the film “often resembles an overstuffed pilot for an over-ambitious new series. … Rather than focus on three or four specific organizations, individuals, or countries, ‘The Grab’ veers from one sensational and/or unsettling talking point to the next.”
Critic Peter Laarman at ReligiousSocialism.org writes:
It would have been helpful to see even slight acknowledgment that an emergent Western capitalism, along with its imperial-cum-settler-colonial auxiliary, launched the resource wars as far back as the 16th century. It started with spices; then gold and silver; then sugar and cotton; then oil, bauxite, rubber, etc. And now it’s the very building blocks of life itself. Leave aside the politics. The film’s intention was to find and name bad actors. Its makers found a few, and it’s all quite entertaining. But with the survival of billions of people at stake, more rigor would have been welcome.
Hollywood Reporter critic Daniel Fienberg calls it “gripping” and adds:
Its topic is unquestionably a crucial issue for our age and its approach to that topic both has journalistic rigor and represents a thoroughly admirable depiction of journalistic rigor at a moment at which we put too little value on such things. … “The Grab” is here to make it clear just how close we are to various catastrophes of scarcity and how we got there, connecting the dots between those Chinese-purchased pigs or a drained aquifer in rural Arizona — stories you might not have even heard about — and the Arab Spring or Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. Some of the connections are obvious, some astonishing in their layered complexity and some would sound straight out of a conspiracy rant if Halverson and his team didn’t have the receipts and didn’t take viewers through those receipts in such varied ways.
Where to rent/buy/stream online.
Green Lights from The Mincing Rascals panel:
John Williams — Bill Bryson’s 2013 book “One Summer: America, 1927”
Jon Hansen — Author Erik Larson’s 2015 book “Dead Wake: The Last Crossing of the Lusitania”
Austin Berg — The 2014 movie “Force Majeure” (where to stream/buy online)
Eric Zorn — “The Pitt” podcast, a companion to the great HBO series.
Info
I am a former opinion columnist for the Chicago Tribune. I began publishing the Picayune Sentinel on Sept. 9, 2021, roughly two and a half months after I took a buyout from the newspaper. This issue exceeds in size the maximum length for a standard email. To read the entire issue in your browser, click on the headline link above. Paid subscribers receive each Picayune Plus in their email inbox each Tuesday, are part of our civil and productive commenting community and enjoy the sublime satisfaction of supporting this enterprise. Browse and search back issues here.
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Thanks for reading!
I loved the First Jewish President bit by Elaine May and Mike Nichols. I will be forwarding that to friends.
The NextDoor quip is spot-on! I had to quit it because it was just garbage. I refuse to join my neighborhood Ring group for the same reason.